My child who was adopted found me on Facebook! What do do now?

by **achimelech51** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:20 am

I have waited many years to make contact. I initially found her adoptive mother on FB a year ago, didn't send a request but watched the pics as time went by. Yesterday my child sent me, my mother, and my oldest daughters friend requests on Facebook- I was astounded! I lost her because before I got preggo I was using cocaine. I didn't know about recovery until after I used in my 9th month. I did one $10 bag my entire pregnancy (not minimizing the horribleness of what I did at all) and my water broke. I was 18, no family, friends, just the father. The system took my baby as was just at the time. They could have given me a mommy/baby drug program and a whole slew of other programs to keep us together but they place her immediately. They didn't even consider placing her with her father. Just took her. I then learned about NA/AA and began the road to recovery- and working on getting her back.

I did everything they wanted me to so I could get her back, fought and lost the case. She got adopted at 4 after knowing me all her life. Her foster mother is a wonderful Christian woman who has 2 sons but wanted a daughter. She's taken wonderful care of my baby to date. She was wonderful to me back when we were going to court. When I lost her I lost my youngest child as well. We reunited last year through her father. It was her father that gave my other daughter my facebook info.

In the interim I've assisted in the raising of 8 children (my 2 oldest, 3 nieces, 3 nephews) since her adoption. Of course I haven't used since the 90's, I'm married long term, sending my very oldest off to college this summer and I'm even assisting my oldest daughter's friend, a teen mom who's struggling, with her 2 year old daughter. I've trained formally in family reunification and made lots of ties in the community. I am a wife, a mother, a student (almost done in Health Information Mgmt) & just so, so far from the person I was 14 years ago.

We talked yesterday and today and I told her to go to her adoptive parents and talk to them. Tell them she wants to be a part of my life. that's what she told me as soon as she found me. It started with "hi mom, ,my sister told me she saw you and I want to know you for myself." In NYS the law is you have to wait until the child is 18 as a birth parent to make contact. I didn't make contact, she did. I asked her some things about herself, told her things about us. I plan to contact a lawyer and some of my old colleagues in the field for advice but there is no NYS statute on a child contacting you before legal age and how to proceed legally.

I want to run, jump and praise god with joy! I want to run to my baby, hug her, kiss her, tell her how much we've all missed her and wished her home. Show her pics , see hers, catch up, get to know who she is...but I know there are laws, I know the adoptive parent has the final say so.

She's expressed she's scared to tell her adoptive parents she found me and wants to know me. I told her to take her time, she knows how to find me and be honest with them. I don't know if it's even okay for us to be talking on Facebook. I explained all this to her and we chatted about her favorite things, her efforts in school and her sisters. Then I ended the chat because I had to help my oldest with some college comparisons (she's still trying to pick)

I know what choice I made 14 years ago, I've paid with the worst pain there is since-I lost two of my children forever. The time we've lost we can't get back.

Please don't reply to inflict more pain-you can't, your efforts are fruitless. I've come to terms with what I've done and I'm prepared to tell my child her own story.

I'm just curious if anybody out there has any suggestions on how to handle this? It's so confusing, such a wide array of emotions. FYI her father and i were married, we planned her and I didn't use when I was preggo on willpower-till that fateful day. I wish I did know about NA when I was preggo. She would have been raised by us and we would have never divorced, smh. He left when she was about 2 after refusing to comply with foster care to get her out. (which would have taken him 6 weeks had he complied, smfh)

by **crom** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:29 am

Take baby steps, first speak with the adopted mother privately, tell her about your recovery and that your daughter wants to know you, get this woman's blessings and then proceed. Don't put your burdens on your child when you see her, let her know you loved her and you been secretly watching her grow for years (through FB)

by **joachim** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:34 am

First off, congratulations. I'm so happy for you. Secondly, I don't think anyone on Yahoo can give you better advise, considering your current educational, and previous employment circumstances. You know better.
And, anyone who judges you on previous mistakes, is only an as*hole anyways. Everyone makes mistakes, not everyone rectifies them so well, like you did.

The very best of luck to you!!

by **ingel** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:36 am

I think you've done exactly the right thing.

I'm slightly confused about what your relationship is with her adoptive mum. I _think_ you're saying you know her and get on with her, and if that's the case I would tell her exactly what you just told us.

by **adusa37** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:37 am

The first thing you need to ask yourself is "is this legal?" Some adoptions, you can't meet the child until they are 18 according to paperwork you signed 14 years ago (can you remember the agreement? If not, contact an adoption lawyer) Since she is 14, still a minor, and if her parents are not open to her talking with you, you have to respect that until she is 18. I know how exited you must feel! My birth family found me on myspace (I was adopted, so the opposite happened to me) I was so psyched, but I was 16 at the time, my parents agreed to 18, (some how they found a loophole and I was able to meet my birth mom) But not all cases are like that, make sure you are not breaking any laws, and if you aren't, then I would just write back from your heart. Tell her why, I know as someone who is adopted my first question was why? I am so happy for you and I hope all works out! Good luck!

by **taillefer** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:48 am

i'd say first of all, make sure its legal, that way no one gets hurt!

then proceed from there! talk to the adoptive parents and talk to your kid! get to know her :]

you'll get the best of both worlds!

by **lazaro94** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:50 am

Your daughter is at a very impressionable age. You need to deal with this really carefully. Tell her you can't begin to explain how happy contact with her has made you, BUT she must tell her adoptive parents or you will. If you haven't heard anything within a week, then make that contact. Tell the adoptive mom your daughter made contact with you. Tell her how much this means to you, but that SHE must be the one to decide what and how much contact there should be. Keep to this. At least until your daughter is 18. Explain to your daughter you are doing this for her own good. At her age her life needs to be kept as simple as possible, adding all these complications could really mess her up. The last thing you want is to tip her over the edge so she starts taking drugs too (remember, she has your genes). So work with the adoptive mom, and at the adoptive mom's pace, to make this a positive experience for all of you.

by **gobrwy** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:59 am

Actually, I'm curious about this supposed NYS law that you claim states that biological parents cannot contact their children who were adopted. I question whether such a law exists. I wouldn't be surprised if it is a social services policy that they tell you to scare you into compliance.

As to how to proceed, I would tell her that it wasn't your choice to have lost her to adoption. So many adopted kids feel that they were thrown away, not victims of the system or victims of your particular circumstances at the time. Believe me, had you hired a lawyer, social services would have never placed her for adoption and you would have gotten her back.

by **achimelech51** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 4:06 am

Hi Lonnieslivinlife,

Congrats on being drug-free now & getting your life together! I am very sorry that you lost the chance to raise your daughter. That does not mean you lost your daughter forever though. No, you were not given a fair chance back then. The adoption system is not really designed to help prevent adoptions nor to eliminate the practice altogether. It's designed to find desirable young children and sell them to non-relatives who want them, while avoiding the obstacles, such as relatives who do want to keep the children in their own family.

I have to agree with CarbonDated. NY may require the parties to be 18 before THEY will assist you, however, it is not illegal for parties to do that on their own before then. The only way it would be a problem is if the AP's make it a problem. It's not illegal to contact anyone, no matter what their age. That being said, if the AP's tell you they do have a problem with you contacting your daughter for any reason, or for no reason at all, then they can make things difficult for both of you having a relationship with each other until she is 18. You mention that you used to have a good relationship with her adoptive mother. Did something happen? She used to be a foster parent, so supposedly they are trained to be aware of the importance of the relationship the child has with her natural family. I'd still try to have a chat with her adoptive mother so things will go more smoothly and to relieve any possible reservations she may have. Adoption is supposed to be about what is best for the child. You are obviously not a danger to her. This is what she wants, so everyone should try to accommodate a relationship between the 2 of you.

I know if anyone from my family had contacted me as a teen, I would have been very excited & happy! Social networking sites have opened up an entire new world where we (those who have been impacted by adoption) are no longer at the sole mercy of an agency social worker for reconnecting us again. I never thought intermediaries for relatives were necessary anyway, and in some cases they can be downright detrimental. Your daughter has reached out to you. That's a great fist step. I'm optimistic you 2 will be very close again someday. Lots of questions must be running through her mind. Please let her set the pace of how fast things will happen. Continue to be honest with her. We are all humans. We all make mistakes. I'm sure you have never stopped loving her or thinking about her. Let her know that.

You might want to save copies of the pictures now that you found online in case her AP's do decide to later delete them or block you from viewing them. Best of luck to you. Don't hesitate to come back to this section if you have more questions about adoption. So many of us have lived it and are happy to help with advice.

julie j
reunited adult adoptee

by **albanwr26** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 4:11 am

It sounds like you're already handling it beautifully.

If she's frightened to tell her adoptive mom, perhaps you could offer to do it yourself. With your daughter's consent, contact the mom and tell her what's going on. Thank her for being such a wonderful mom and for treating you so well back when your baby was in foster care. Assure her that until your daughter turns 18, you will only maintain contact IF the mom gives her full and free consent. Let her know that you're not trying to challenge her as a mom or replace her in any way.

If she's not ready to give consent, then lovingly explain to your daughter that you don't want to cause any problems in her family. You will be waiting with an open heart to welcome her as soon as she turns 18.

You really sound like an awesome person. I'm so glad your daughter found you, and I wish you all the best for the future.

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