5 STARS on someone that READS IT FULLY and CORRECTS my personal statement?!?

[chansomps]

Just need someone elses opinion on my personal statement. PLEASEEE GIVE OPINION and corrections. Make someone elses day feel good =). the question for the personal statement is:

Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

here's my personal statement:


It was the year 2000, when I was on the airplane looking out the window seeing how small Peru was getting the higher we rose to the sky. It was that year, that I reached California and I had sworn to my parents I would hate it here. But of course years went by, I made friends, I did great it school, and everything was going better than imagined. Until, I was about only eleven years old when my parents divorced. And as if that wasn't bad enough, my mother was already in her dress for her second marriage. Among these difficult circumstances, came the worst of all; I had to live in the house of the man with whom my mother had married. To me he represented a thief who had taken the place of my father and felt a hatred for him when he kissed my mother, because I could not see any virtue for I could only see flaws.
On the first occasion I was with my dad, I told him what I felt for this man, but my dad just looked at me face to face and said, "the greatness of a man is based on love. If you're patient, you will see what's beyond his cover." Then he continued to tell me, "and what's most important is for you to understand that your mother and I will always love you very much." I understood what he told me, but there was so much disagreement with what he had said, that it just didn't even process through my mind.
The days passed on, summer vacation of 2006 came, and suddenly we received a call that my Uncle, my dad's only brother and my only sibling in the US, was being hospitalized. My uncle was everything to me. He gave me love and attention which was what I needed at the moment, but uncle never survived that operation. He was a doctor and had hoped for me for one day to become the engineer I always wanted to be.
My stepfather, and my parents noticed how much this affected me and bought me a ticket to fly to Peru. The experience I had going back to my country was amazing. The family from both my mom and my dad were welcoming me with open arms. I got see the culture I had left behind, the food I had craved for, the wonderful people and they're way to greet a person. It was a new world and I was for one grateful it was part of me. But there were many times were I had stop, took a look around, and noticed how much I had taken for granted in the US. From the north to the south and to the east to the west, everyone, everything, was so different. The climate change because of all the carbon dioxide, the little kids sleeping outside with nothing to eat because they had no money, the drivers not following one single law, and many places where there just wasn't any water sewages.
When it was time to go back home, it had left me thinking so much even about the littlest things. As soon as I reached the airport, I had let go of the grudge that I had on my step father and hung out with him for the next six months after the summer of 2006. He had passed away three weeks after 2007, and I didn't realize how hard it would hit me letting go. But I looked back at my Christmas present and how he wrote to me on how I should keep on pushing forward no matter what obstacles get in the way, because if I wanted to achieve becoming an engineering I have to keep going.

[lintun]

This is a good personal statement. The episodes are well-chosen, and there is enough detail so that it does not sound generic.
I edited it for grammar as well as sentence structure and variety.
I also highlighted the drama and tension of the difficult experiences.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~…
I looked out of the window of the airplane, and the higher we rose, the smaller Peru got. That was the summer of the year 2000, and I was on my way to California. I had sworn I would hate California; but of course as the years went by, I made friends and did well in school, and everything went better than I had expected.

Then, when I was only eleven years old, my parents divorced. As if that weren't bad enough, my mother was already trying on her dress for her second marriage. Along with these difficult circumstances came the worst of all -- I had to live in the house of the man my mother had married. To me he was no more than a thief who had taken the place of my father. I hated him when he kissed my mother because I could not see any virtue in him -- I could see only flaws.

On my father's first visit, I told him what I felt for this man, but he said, "The greatness of a man is based on love. If you are patient, you will see what's beyond his cover." He added, "And what's most important is for you to understand that your mother and I will always love you very much." I heard what he told me, but I disagreed and did not accept or understand his council.

Then a disaster struck in the summer of 2006. We got a call saying that my uncle had been hospitalized. My uncle was everything to me. He showered me with all the love and attention I needed. He was a doctor, and he encouraged me to become the engineer I had always wanted to be. But he never survived that operation.

Because of how much this affected me, my family bought me a ticket to fly to Peru. Going back to my country was an astounding experience . My Peruvian family welcomed me warmly. I got see the culture I had left behind, and taste the food I had craved, and enjoy the wonderful people and their customs. It was a new world and I was grateful it was part of me. But there were many times when I noticed how much I had taken for granted in the United States. In Peru I saw little children sleeping outside with nothing to eat. Automobile drivers did not obey a single law, and there were many places where there was no sanitation or clean water.

This experience gave me a great number of issues to think over. By the time I reached the airport, I had let go of the grudge I had held against my stepfather, and we became good friends. He died in 2007, and I hadn't realized how much I was going to miss him. I treasure a note he wrote urging me to keep pushing forward no matter what obstacles get in the way. 'If you want to become an engineer," he wrote, "you will have to keep going."

Dear Student:
You might consider ending with one or two sentences stating your determination to become an engineer, and stating that you think it is an important and fascinating occupation.
Maybe you should say you want to do aerospace engineering, designing rovers and landing spacecraft. You can mention your interest in the Mars rover (named "Curiosity") we are launching today. (The idea here is to make yourself stand out from the crowd of people who also want to be "generic" engineers.)

[akule76]

Send me an email directly to my email address
[email protected]

~ Ann Worth

[dallen47]

It was the year 2000, when I was on the airplane looking out the window, seeing how small Peru was getting the higher we rose to the sky. It was that year, that I reached California and I had sworn to my parents I would hate it here. However as the years passed , I made friends, I did well at school, and everything was going better than I ever dreamed of. But then all changed when I was only eleven years old. M parents divorced. Not only that, y mother was already in her dress for her second marriage. Among those difficult times, the hardest part was having to n the house of the man with who my mother had married. To me he represented a thief who had taken the place of my father and felt a hatred for him when he kissed my mother, because I could not see any virtue for I could only see flaws.
On the first occasion I was with my dad, I told him what I felt for this man, but my dad just looked at me face to face and said, "the greatness of a man is based on love. If you're patient, you will see what's beyond his cover." Then he continued to tell me, "and what's most important is for you to understand that your mother and I will always love you very much." I understood what he told me, but there was so much disagreement with what he had said, that it just didn't even process through my mind.
The days passed on, summer vacation of 2006 came, and suddenly we received a call that my Uncle, my dad's only brother and my only sibling in the US, was being hospitalized. My uncle was everything to me. He gave me love and attention which was what I needed at the moment, but uncle never survived that operation. He was a doctor and had hoped for me for one day to become the engineer I always wanted to be.
My stepfather, and my parents noticed how much this affected me and bought me a ticket to fly to Peru. The experience I had going back to my country was phenonemal. Both my Mm and my Dad
were welcoming me with open arms. I got see the culture I had left behind, the food I had craved for, the wonderful people, thier way of doing things. I was for one grateful it was part of me. But there were many times were I had stop, took a look around, and noticed how much I had taken for granted in the US. From the north to the south and to the east to the west, everyone, everything, was so different. The climate change because of all the carbon dioxide, the little kids sleeping outside with nothing to eat because they had no money, the drivers not following one single law, and many places where there just wasn't any water sewages.
When it was time to go back home, it had left me thinking so much even about the littlest things. As soon as I reached the airport, I had let go of the grudge that I had on my step father and hung out with him for the next six months after the summer of 2006. He had passed away three weeks after 2007, and I didn't realize how hard it would hit me letting go. But I looked back at my Christmas present and how he wrote to me on how I should keep on pushing forward no matter what obstacles get in the way, because if I wanted to achieve becoming an engineering I have to keep going.



hope what ive done is okay! you have written it really well which makes it really engaging and interesting!