A couple questions about writing?

[blaeey]

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I protested. "We could go to jail if were caught."

"Of course it's a good idea," My friend Will reasoned. "The family that lives here left for the weekend. They're getting back tonight, so we have to do this now. And quick."

"Whatever. But don't blame me if something goes wrong."

"Nothing will go wrong. Stop acting like a baby and come break this window."

Slowly I crept forward, very aware of the bright, revealing sunlight. I tentatively hold a baseball bat in my right hand, the wooden handle slipping under my sweaty grip.

"It really is bright out here," I said slowly, each word carefully formed in my mouth.

"Hey," said Will. "I am not forcing you to do this. If you want out, leave. Just don't come to me when I'm rich and your broke."

"My family needs the money," I said. "But I'm not sure the end justifies the means."

Silence followed as I reached the lower window of the remote two-story house. Looking behind me, all I can see is farmland. The sprawling hills are littered row after row with wheat and corn soon ready to be harvested. The occasional green pasture is obvious next to the tan and grays of the crops. Cows and horses graze on them, unaware of the world around, there only intent to periodically nibble on the grass.

The view made me feel peaceful, yet saddened at the same time. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I wish I could be a farm animal, living my days without the stresses of the real world. My mother works four jobs in a desperate attempt to support me. We live paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes can't even afford to buy groceries. This life is hard on me, but harder still for her.

But now that I'm 14, It is my duty to help. My mom has given her life to support me and it's time I give back to her. Whatever it takes, even if it meant breaking the law.

With this burst of confidence I raised my bat up to the window, and swung. With a loud "thwack!" the bat finished its arc and reached its destination. Glass sprayed five feet into the house and settled on the shag carpet.

"Damn!" Will exclaimed in shock. "I didn't think you'd actually do it!"


OK. First of all, I'm 14. So if this isn't good.. that has a little to do with it.

Here are my questions- Is everything written in past tense? There are a few things I am not sure about, like "hold" vs "held" and "follows" vs "followed" and "makes" vs "made"

Second question- Is it strange that I give away so much information so quickly? I immediately give away his families financial situation. Should I only hint at it, and let the reader figure it out?

Finally, I just want input on anything I didn't do correctly. For example, do I have to put "? said" for the 3rd and 4th lines of dialogue? or is it a given because they are having a conversation?

Thank you!

[delron72]

Hi,

No, not everything is written in past tense. You started out well, but you switched to present tense in the line "I tentatively hold a baseball bat in my right hand, the wooden handle slipping under my sweaty grip."

Yes, you should only suggest it. Remember this: good writing makes the reader think. Never feed the reader.

That's the biggest problem with this piece: you're giving too much away too easily. Other than that, it's quite fluent and enjoyable. But you've used a lot of adjectives, especially after speech. "Damm!" Will exclaimed in shock' is an example of this; let the reader decide for themselves that he exclaimed it in shock.

Best of luck :)