Can You Rate My Short Story?

[hewlett]

The room is dark, silent, and an icy chill hangs in the air. A man wearing a trench coat stands in the center of the room. The expression on his face bespeaks of pure insanity. Today he's planning to unleash his fury again. The man smirks as he puts a ski mask over his face.

For the last 10 years, Mark had been dismembering helpless people in his hometown. Altogether, the death toll was 60 women, all of whom were strangers to him. His trademark was carving an M into their chests. The M was a reference to himself since his name was Mark. Despite that doing that may have been incriminating, Mark didn't care. After all, he was so cocky that it would be inconceivable for him not to indulge his own ego after butchering someone. Even if it led to his downfall, it wouldn't matter. To Mark, it was impossible not to have that M chiseled on every last one of them.

At 31, he was friendless and hadn't been involved in a relationship for nearly 4 years. Indeed, Mark had been a loner for most of his life. That didn't bother him though as isolating himself from others made his life more bearable. Anytime new people entered his life, he struggled with urges to kill them.

As Mark walked out the door he grabbed his two weapons, a plain kitchen knife and a pair of razor sharp scissors. Mainly Mark employed the scissors as the instrument for killing. The knife was used just for embedding his signature M on his victim's bodies.

-Scene cuts to a park where Mark is lurking behind a tree, searching for a victim-

A twenty -something woman in a tracksuit jogs by. Mark considers making her his next sacrifice. Then he notices a man walking up to the girl and embracing her.

"Chelsea, what are you doing here?" the man asks enthusiastically.

"John! I'm just doing my daily walk. This is where I come everyday. Before I start my jog I like to feed the ducks. My favorite coffeeshop is right around the corner. Usually, I head there when I'm through jogging" said the woman, smiling.

"That's cool. You'll have to take me there sometime. Ever since my coffeeshop closed down, I've been looking for another one".

"Well actually I was on my way over there now. Why don't you join me? Today's Saturday and that means they'll be serving their Saturday Special. It goes so well with their Frapucinno."

"That sounds lovely. What are we waiting for?"

With that, the two walked away, leaving Mark flustered.

"Drats", he thought to himself. "Now that my prey has been saved, what am I to do? I can't go a night longer without executing someone. If I do, I'll never forgive myself. Besides, that girl getting reprieved really pisses me off. I was already feeling awful to begin with. But when I murder someone, it gives me such a rush! That rush is what inspires me to continue hunting for more victims."

To be continued

[augustus]

First off, you start explaining everything a little early. After the bit where he puts a mask on his face you should go straight to the part - 'As Mark walked out the door' as you end that with a reference to him cutting his initial into his victim, it would work better to have the second and third paragraphs follow on from that. (Hoping that makes sense) ^_^

Also you wouldn't have:
-Scene cuts to a park where Mark is lurking behind a tree, searching for a victim-
This is supposed to be a short story (albeit an unfinished one), not a play.

I'm afraid the dialogue between Chelsea and John is unrealistic, and needs completely revising. Where you have your internal dialogue by Mark, you don't need the speech marks, and the last two lines should be taken out. He's explaining why he kills, but why would he do that? He already knows why he does it. You don't need to blatantly state why for the reader's benefit. It's made obvious he enjoys it by the fact he carves his initials into them.

There could be more atmosphere to build the suspense and really draw the reader in. Other than that, I'd say you have a good first draft to work with here. Keep at it.

[zadok]

First off, you start explaining everything a little early. After the bit where he puts a mask on his face you should go straight to the part - 'As Mark walked out the door' as you end that with a reference to him cutting his initial into his victim, it would work better to have the second and third paragraphs follow on from that. (Hoping that makes sense) ^_^

Also you wouldn't have:
-Scene cuts to a park where Mark is lurking behind a tree, searching for a victim-
This is supposed to be a short story (albeit an unfinished one), not a play.

I'm afraid the dialogue between Chelsea and John is unrealistic, and needs completely revising. Where you have your internal dialogue by Mark, you don't need the speech marks, and the last two lines should be taken out. He's explaining why he kills, but why would he do that? He already knows why he does it. You don't need to blatantly state why for the reader's benefit. It's made obvious he enjoys it by the fact he carves his initials into them.

There could be more atmosphere to build the suspense and really draw the reader in. Other than that, I'd say you have a good first draft to work with here. Keep at it.

Here are some things that need improvement.
This sounds kiddish, not mature:
"John! I'm just doing my daily walk. This is where I come everyday. Before I start my jog I like to feed the ducks. My favorite coffeeshop is right around the corner. Usually, I head there when I'm through jogging" said the woman, smiling.


"Oh. I just came to feed the ducks before my walk... It's something I usually do, you know... when i'm kind of.. idle. And there's a coffee-shop right around the corner... I head there when I'm done jogging."

"Well actually I was on my way over there now. Why don't you join me? Today's Saturday and that means they'll be serving their Saturday Special. It goes so well with their Frapucinno."

"W-ell, I'm actually on my way there. You could join me if you like..."


And the last paragraph has to be edited. Add a lot of spookiness to it while you're working on it because he's supposed to be a killer.



Hope you make a successful story... Best of luck.

[camdin90]

sounds pretty good so far :) well done!
only constructive citicism i have is -
check your spelling, there are a couple of typos
'drat' sounds a little old fashioned and mild from such a killer
and check out your facts - depending on the size of his town, is it really possible
that he isn't a suspect yet? what kind of investigation has been carried out?
60 dead women is a bit unrealistic :)
i hope this helps and good luck with the rest of it :)

[denzell]

Not very good I'm afraid. For a story that involves the murder and dismemberment of sixty women it is not very dramatic. The story should should scream horror but you make it sound like a walk in the park on a Sunday afternoon. You also need to edit it too. You should never have a comma before the word 'and' because it is a conjunction and never use numbers unless it is the year so 31 should be thirty one. Keep writing though and you will improve. Good luck with your story.

[deangelo51]

I like it you should add more for me to read lol its very good

[demarco]

I like it you should add more for me to read lol its very good

could do with being a little more descriptive and you could do with building up the characters and atmosphere a little and not rushing straight to the point but an excellent plot idea and perfectly believable.

[ayize]

A serial killer who says, "Drats!" to himself??? Nah!! Your story sucks harder than a Polish hooker....i suggest you go out and kill a few women first then you can write from experience...or better still go out and find an IRL Mark to kill you and then send us the next installment from the afterlife...

[gowan]

I really love the first part. Really love it. There are a few corrections I'd made to the second half, however - to make a really good piece of writing excellent.

(1) You change tense in the middle. Despite the fact that I don't often like present tense writings, I think it really works here - so it shouldn't be "the two walked away", it should be "the two walk away", and so on.

(2) Punctuation with regard to speech marks is sometimes a bit dodgy; it should be full stop/comma and THEN the close speech marks, i.e. "Drats," he thought to himself. No correction on the writing, but it helps if you're looking for a publisher.

(3) Personally, I'd put the last paragraph in indirect speech rather than direct, for example, "Mark thinks that this and this and this" rather than "Mark thinks "this and this and this"". Only personal opinion, though!

Lovely writing, however. I hope to see it on a bookshelf someday. Contact me when it comes out, I'll buy the book!

[jarel]

It's good. A little bit of grammar errors but otherwise it's sound. The only part I find a little queer is when Mark is thinking to himself.. A little bit of an over-explanation. I would read the full book if you made one. It seems interesting 4 out of 5 : ). I envy your skills! for I wish I could write a book. And yes, I know I don't have the best grammar either :P.