Feeling depressed and alone, help?

[cadby]

I'm just a kid, really - I know. But I also know that what I'm feeling isn't normal for a teenager, because it's all the time. I don't want to hang out with my friends and they don't seem to want to hang out with me, anyways. I can't connect to kids my age, and I don't know why, but maybe it's because I feel years older than I am, and I have an easier time relating to people older than me (late teens). I want to have friends and do things, but I just can't seem to fit in.

Right now I live in a very small country town, which I hate so much. Only about a five hundred people live in it, most of which have lived here their whole lives. It seems very primitive, where only a small number of people have computers and the average age of pregnancy is 15-16. That's one reason I hate it here - people expect me to be a slut. I once heard a girl say, exact quotes, "It's better to be a teen mom than a thirty year old mom." My step-sister always talks about wanting to have a baby soon, and she's just 14, and she can't be convinced otherwise. All of the people in town are poor, have poor health, are unhappy, know almost nothing about the outside world... And they're content with unhappiness. I wouldn't care so much if they weren't just accepting it, when they could live much better lives. And I also wouldn't care at all if they didn't try to drag me down.

In my class, I'm the "smartest". The teachers adore me, I get straight A's, and I often help the other students (and even the teachers) with anything they don't understand. I don't feel challenged enough, however, and I feel like I'm somehow slipping. Like I can't do as much as I once could, because I'm used to having easy work. I don't want to settle down and have some kids before I even turn legal, I want to go and be the best at something. Honestly, I don't want children, at any point in time. Apparently I'm wrong, apparently I'm strange, apparently it's horrible to want to be an independent, literate, thoughtful woman without a man to control her every action and "serve" by having children. I'm not exaggerating, this is what other people TOLD me.

And I don't fit in because of other things. I wear black, my hair is dyed black, and those are the main things people comment on when they see me around here. So, because I wear black, I cut myself and want to kill myself? Because my hair is black, I'm mean and from a different species? Then, when I do open up, the other kids are appalled when I don't know every country song by heart. I mean, what kind of freak listens to Black Veil Brides? This freak does. Blood on the Dance Floor, that sounds creepy! They don't get that I want to have friends without changing myself. They won't accept me for who I am.

And my mom doesn't get me, either. She wants me to go and hang out with the same kids that bully me, and I know she has her heart in the right place. But they run from me because I'm different and they say I'm a lesbian because I don't constantly have a boyfriend. Oh, another thing - they're homophobic as hell. If you're not the perfect image of a straight, slutty Christian (doesn't Christianity go against whoring around?) then they WILL eat you alive. My mom thinks there's something wrong with me, and she's even told me she thinks that sometimes. I don't feel she's very proud of me, even if she says she is. I work really hard to try to make her proud, but I'm never rewarded and all I get is a "Oh, good work. Now go do the dishes." I understand she's very busy and often tired, but it doesn't take much energy or time to sit a person down and let them know they're loved. I feel disconnected from my mom, especially since she's hardly home and she didn't even raise me. My late great-grandparents did, and for the early years of my life my mom was too busy going through school in order to be a nurse. I know she had to do that, and I don't really blame her, but I still wish things had been somehow different. Now that my great-grandparents are gone, the only family I have is my mom, my grandmother, and an uncle I rarely see. Of course, there's always my step-dad, but I have a lot of trouble being emotionally close to people that are supposed to be father figures. Growing up, I never had a father figure, or they were horribly biased towards their own children and wanted nothing to do with me. Don't get me wrong, I trust my step-dad a lot, and I'm glad my mom married him. He's probably the best choice for us. It's just one of those things I can't help.

We're moving soon, to San Antonio, but the school I'll be attending is a conformist school and I'm worried I won't be able to connect to anyone there, either. If I'm a freak

[danil70]

Be happy and cheer up sometimes things do not go the way u want it but just be yourself and do not stress and try to hard it will be only a matter of time i am positive before u have a better connection and interaction with u already know your weakness now build on your strengths