How do I tell my Mother in Law I find her difficult?

[hyun-su]

So.. I have this problem where I find my Mother in Law very difficult to talk to and can feel myself about to snap!
She is a lovely lady but I find she is very opinionated and she will try to impress her opinion on me too much, like her way is the best way of doing things or she will frankly speak to me like I'm an idiot or have no life experience, always stating the obvious but saying it in a way that its like she is teaching me how to do something. (eg: when I move house I need to make sure I tape up the boxes underneath with brown tape & giving me a step by step flipping guide as to how to do it!)
Its getting very repetitive and annoying and she will sometimes repeat herself to the point where she has told me the same story at least 5 times, I will say something to sound interested like "oh yeah I remember you telling me that before" in other words, please dont tell me again! I feel she has a way of manipulating situations to her own advantage and have caught her out lying a few times. I sense a bit of jealousy between myself and her, probably because she wants to be the only woman in her son's life! Having said this I do think she has a good heart and can be very caring too.

My most recent problems with her are that I find it difficult to be able to have a conversation, as the conversation has to be about her, her life, her problems. In my opinion when you have a conversation you allow the other person to speak, make suggestions, ask questions and share your own stories etc. Last week I told her about a situation I was in as a teenager that was quite distressing and worrying for my family, she nodded along as I was telling her but never really said anything. Its like I'm talking and she is just waiting for me to finish talking. Then she looked at her hand and said "Have you got a nail file I can borrow?" Nothing further was mentioned about what I told her, she didnt ask me any questions about it or indicate she was interested.

Do I take it with a pinch of salt? Or say something to her?

[chika]

Your mother in law (from here on in MIL), has either a narcissistic streak (more common in people than you might expect. My brother's MIL is a very good example), or is not comfortable talking about subjects outside her scope of experience and/or interest (my own MIL is a good example of this, bless her heart). She is undoubtedly a bit jealous of your relationship with her son, but that is only natural.

Before the rest of this answer, I recommend you train yourself in the noble art of Mental Teflon. Anything annoying, derisive, belittling, patronizing or hurtful your MIL says to you, you must learn to recognize whom it is coming from, and based on that know when to just let it slide off of you. Open your ears and heart only to the positive, and ignore all the negative. It is tricky, but it can be done.

When your MIL tries to control, correct and/or question you to the point where you start having difficulties staying polite and friendly, try the following: with a genuine friendly and respectful smile, do exactly what you want. If that is not what she wanted you to do, say: "I am going to do it this way, but I love you anyway." Be mentally prepared for the fall out if it turns out you really should have listened to her after all.
When your MIL's instructions are superfluous, as soon as possible, try saying in a friendly and respectful manner: "Yes thank you, I already know how to do this." (a polite and friendly smile always helps in these cases). Under no circumstances explain yourself, or your actions. It will only give her fuel to continue.

When she keeps repeating herself, start keeping count and as friendly and politely as you can, tell her: "Yes thank you, you said that already " + " twice, three times, four times", etc, as many times as it takes. At some point this will become just as annoying to her as her repeating herself is to you (a passive-aggressive form of Pavlovian learning). Be aware though, that if she really does this a lot, it might just be a symptom of early onset Altzheimers, or dementia (you can't hear my intonation in written language, so please know that I do not say this flippantly or jokingly).

As for the difficulty having a meaningful conversation, unfortunately there is no help here, because your MIL does not listen, does not care, or simply is incapable of comprehending or dealing with the subject. Whichever the case, there is nothing to be done about this. Save worthwhile conversations for your husband, kids, other family members, friends and colleagues.

[bedyw25]

TMI

[drystan]

confrontation time is now ! tell her exactly what you think and its up to her what she does.

[roche]

Boy is she lonley. But also self centered! If you don't have to see her often then take it with a grain of salt, if she is a constant person in your life then have a heart to heart talk. You can learn to be sly and outsmart and still be nice.

[tate8]

Boy is she lonley. But also self centered! If you don't have to see her often then take it with a grain of salt, if she is a constant person in your life then have a heart to heart talk. You can learn to be sly and outsmart and still be nice.

If you speak to her make sure its in a calm way, no shouting and screaming.
She may not realise there is a problem, she does sound a bit self centred.
Try explaining how you feel, and why you feel that way. For example about your situation as a teenager let her know that your upset that she didn't appear to be listening to something that is a big deal to you and your family. Because you tried to open up to her and she seemed to ignore it, most people would be upset by that.
Try and get her to see it from your point of view.
Their is probably a bit of over protectiveness because her little boy has gone and left her but make sure she knows that you would never get in the way of their relationship.
If nothing works just be friendly to her.

[ricki]

You may as well clear the air now. If you let it fester year after year it will only get worse. Set her straight right now, she'll get mad not speak to you for a while, appeal to your husband. But eventually she'll come around. She needs to learn that you're not her child and that you did not steal her son, and that she needs to learn how to share him with you and respect you as a woman.

[starling]

how you going to change a woman that old? why do you think there are so many mother in law jokes? because they are mainly true! only way out DIVORCE. sorry,it's terminal

[barnett]

Start crying. Let her get curious about your bawling. Let it pique her interest. Tell her your worried about your husband. You love him greatly but you'll never be as good a mother or a wife as she is. Was she always such a good mother? Did she ever have problems when she got married! Don't make it about you and her, make it about taking care of him. Be respectful and let the bonding begin.