In-law issues with wedding?

[ned]

I'll start off by saying, before we got engaged, my fiance's mother was begging for us to get engaged; now she's turned into a monster. Our original wedding plans included a tent reception on my fiances' parents property. When she started trash talking me to the best man (told him our reception would be boring, my dress would make me look like a cake), nagging my fiance until he was forced to change the wedding date to something she liked better (date has since been changed back to the original) I decided that having our reception on their property would be playing into her hands. She's already tried to dictate many wedding details and thinks she's some sort of expert on weddings because she planned her wedding in 3 weeks. I know what I'm doing as far as the wedding planning goes, and I'm starting to plan now, 1 year ahead because I'd rather have my ducks in a row than be scrambling a few months before. She's gone nuts. She's angry that I've been looking for other venues, she's mad that I didn't ask her b**** of a daughter who doesn't give a rip about me (excuse me for asking my BEST FRIENDS) to be in my wedding party and that my fiance didnt ask his lazy, inconsiderate brother to be in it either. Every day she demands to know what my mother's dress color is going to be so she can pick a color for hers. My fiance has sat down with her 3 times now and told her she's in the wrong and that what she's doing is rude, childish and unfair. He's even repeatedly told her that if he had to, he would choose me over her. It stops for a few days and starts right back up again! Nothing I do is ever right in her eyes and I honestly have no idea what to do. Am I justified in changing my reception venue from their property, or am I just being as childish as she is? And am I being even more childish for no longer involving her in the planning? I feel like they should have little say at all, seeing as my fiance and I are footing the entire bill. Please help!

[troyes]

I'll start off by saying, before we got engaged, my fiance's mother was begging for us to get engaged; now she's turned into a monster. Our original wedding plans included a tent reception on my fiances' parents property. When she started trash talking me to the best man (told him our reception would be boring, my dress would make me look like a cake), nagging my fiance until he was forced to change the wedding date to something she liked better (date has since been changed back to the original) I decided that having our reception on their property would be playing into her hands. She's already tried to dictate many wedding details and thinks she's some sort of expert on weddings because she planned her wedding in 3 weeks. I know what I'm doing as far as the wedding planning goes, and I'm starting to plan now, 1 year ahead because I'd rather have my ducks in a row than be scrambling a few months before. She's gone nuts. She's angry that I've been looking for other venues, she's mad that I didn't ask her b**** of a daughter who doesn't give a rip about me (excuse me for asking my BEST FRIENDS) to be in my wedding party and that my fiance didnt ask his lazy, inconsiderate brother to be in it either. Every day she demands to know what my mother's dress color is going to be so she can pick a color for hers. My fiance has sat down with her 3 times now and told her she's in the wrong and that what she's doing is rude, childish and unfair. He's even repeatedly told her that if he had to, he would choose me over her. It stops for a few days and starts right back up again! Nothing I do is ever right in her eyes and I honestly have no idea what to do. Am I justified in changing my reception venue from their property, or am I just being as childish as she is? And am I being even more childish for no longer involving her in the planning? I feel like they should have little say at all, seeing as my fiance and I are footing the entire bill. Please help!

She has no right to dictate anything, for several reasons.
1: She's NOT paying for any portion of the wedding.
2: It's YOUR choice who you have in your wedding party.
3: She's being a bully, and extremely childish.

My best advice is to avoid her as much as possible. Don't have any communication with her, unless it's absolutely necessary. You're 100% correct in telling her to back off. It's NOT her wedding it's your, and you keep reminding her of that.

[bachir93]

Thankfully your fiance is standing up for you. So long as he continues to do this, you will be ok.

Changing the venue is a great idea. When you have it on her property, she is subsidising the wedding and (in my opinion) then has every right to have at least some say in what happens. Get your fiance onside. Book a different venue and make sure he, not you, breaks the news to his mother than you've chosen a different venue. Use the excuse, and it's a truthful one, that it's easier for everyone if it's not at one person's house.

p.s. The mothers don't need to match. Tell fiance's mother that both she and your mother can choose whatever outfits suits them.

[vaiveatoish]

You could always move 2000 miles away. That's what we did.

Seriously though, you need distance! Difficult people are so much easier to deal with when you take them in small doses. Don't make her such a big part of your lives. Don't answer the call every time. Don't invite her over regularly. As far as the wedding goes, don't accept a dime and don't have it on their property-that's just asking for trouble! Limit the opportunities for her to give input.

Good luck!

[coinleain]

Boy...is this a sign of things to come! You need to work through this and in a good way because this
is only the beginning. You have to get a handle on how to work with your mother in law...or...decide
you will never be able to work with her and figure out how...after you are married..you are going to do that...because don't think this is the only time this will occur.

You and your fiance need to be a united front. Now that you see what problems are happening. sit down together and decide what you will put up with...and what you won't.

Since you are footing the bill for everything....it is your decision for everything. Together you need to say "This is what we have decided....without getting mad...just that after thinking things over, this
is what you want to do".

Now...you are adult enough to get married...you are also adult enough to realize you will probahly always have this woman in your life....so you need to think about things also from her angle.
If you have everything decided....then she can complain...but it is your decision...both of yours.

She is being reasonable to ask what color to wear...she wants to fit into the wedding pictures...and you should want her to. So, knowing what you do about weddings...her dress should compliment the colors of the wedding...and you should tell her...the colors the girls are wearing...the colors of the flowers...the color your mother is wedding and ask her to find a dress in a color you would like her to wear...or give her a choice of two or three that would work. Don't sound like it doesn't matter to you because as the mother of the groom, she has a place in your wedding.

Instead...compliment her by saying you would like to know what color of flowers she would
like to go with her dress and for her to let you know what color she has decided on....and offter to go help her find a dress if she wants you to....try to make her feel included...but be firm about what you want.

If having the canopy in her place has become a problem...just make a decision to do it somewhere else where she has no control of it. You can just say we have decided to do something different.

As the groom's mother, usually the groom's parents plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner. which you should allow her to plan and do. She should get together with your fiance and plan it...and you should let her....that gives her a traditional part of the wedding...then she should come to the rehearsal with everyone...is part of the wedding party....but has no other control of planning the
wedding.

One other thing. I learned the hard way that planning a wedding for a year has some unexpected problems. We did that, planning every detail. What we didn't expect was for florists to forget what the original details were...so some things we wanted very much got forgotten. Because of this, go back a month before the wedding and re-go over every detail to get what you are expecting.

Many mothers want total control of a wedding. You need to learn how to handle it tactfully....
but be aware. This is not the end of her wanting to control things. Be sure you and your fiance
are a united front.

[darik2]

Tell her to fck off.