My daughter is dating a former drug dealer, I'm very worried, What can I do? Im concerned for her, please help?

[jorian23]

About 4 months ago my daughter Olivia met this man named Lucas. She is 20 years old and he is 28. Olivia just graduated high school this year and has decided to take a year off before heading to college which I supported at first, but now I'm very worried about her dating this Lucas.

At first I didn't really notice anything wrong with him, he is very polite, seems like he comes from a good family and everything checked out. Until I ran a background check on him.

It turns out Lucas has quite a criminal record at his young age- here's what was on his record and the sentences given which I read on the public court records website: Minor in Possession of Alcohol (3 times- a fine on 2 occasions, 30 days in jail once), Disorderly Conduct (twice- a fine once, and 10 days in jail another time), Disturbing School (4 Days in Jail), Drinking in Public (a fine), DUI (License Suspension, 21 Days in Jail, and a fine) and here come the ones that really worried me- Trafficking Cocaine (dropped with plea bargain), Distribution of Cocaine (2 years probation), Distribution of Marijuana (2 years probation), Distribution of Ecstacy (2 years probation), Possession of Marijuana (2 years probation), Possession of Cocaine (2 years probation and 90 days in jail).

I was stunned, by my calculations this guy has spent a total of 155 Days in jail! thats almost 6 months, and with those charges, he was obviously a drug dealer. So I checked up some more online, and it turns out it even made the news at one point and it even said he was facing up to 20 years in prison for selling drugs. Apparantly, he was selling drugs in college, and got caught. Now this was a few years ago but I'm still worried.

I asked my daughter about it and she told me she knew and said that he completed his probation early and has been out of trouble since then. But then I looked at the court records again and his arrest for drinking in public was just last year. So he's not staying out of trouble.

I was obviously very concerned about this and had a long talk with my daughter, she's never been a trouble maker and has never been one to date "bad boys" although this guy doesn't seem like the typical bad boy, I mean that's why I was so surprised, he dresses pretty well, he's well groomed, and he's got a job, and his apartment although small is actually nice, so all that bafffles me, I swear if I hadn't checked his records, I would have never guessed, but I don't know what to do. I fear for my daughter's safety.

What should I do here? Should I have a talk with this guy? Should I try to break him and my daughter up? Should I maybe contact the police and have them keep an eye on him? I honestly cannot sleep thinking about this, I mean just thinking about it makes me shiver, my daughter dating a guy that got arrested for drug dealing. My god! and the worst part is that he's actually a nice guy, but it still worries me, even thought it was a long time ago I don't honestly believe criminals can rehabilitate and thats what worries me.

Can I get some advice here? from parents or law enforcement? What are my options?

[laureano97]

im not a parent or a law enforcer . but if i was i wouldn't want my daughter be around bad influences, her life might change drastically if she loves him. sounds like he wont have a bright future, talk to your daughter about that. That might change her mind about him

[yago]

my dad was a former alcoholic (to the point where he almost died) before he met my mom..

don't judge from the past. she might change him.

[eadweald71]

As long as your daughter is giving him the benefit of the doubt, you have to also for the time being. You've brought it up with her, and she claims that she is aware of his problems and that they are behind him. Drinking in public may have gotten him into trouble, but it's a long way from drug trafficking and it doesn't sound like it happened yesterday. If your daughter is the sensible person that you make her out to be then she'll leave if there's something wrong. Either way that's her call, not yours. The most that you can do is be supportive when she needs you to be. Maybe offer your support to him too if he doesn't have the concerned father that your daughter is so lucky to have.

[curadhan74]

For a start, the police are hardly going to follow him around, are they? That isn't realistic.

You could ask your daughter why he prefers a much younger girl to someone of his own age, although very often men are well behind women in terms of maturity.

If he is still taking drugs and/or drinking to excess, he can't have much self respect or self discipline, and this wouldn't bode well.

If you criticise, moan, express fear and lack of respect for your daughter, she'll clam up. You do need to be more accepting and respectful of the woman you brought up. She is old enough to make her own decisions ans her own mistakes. It's a learning curve for you both, so please don't lose her by trying to change things. You really don't want to push her so hard that she goes off and lives with him, do you? You need to leave your door open, even if she does.

Maybe he has put his past behind him. Maybe your daughter can help him keep it that way. Remind her of this: people fall madly in love, but the ecstasy, excitement, strong passions and desires, and high emotion are very hard to keep up, so eventually we start to come down, typically after around 18 months to three years. If people have discussed their mutual values, shared ambitions, interests, etc., in some depth (obviously there will be some differences, which help make relationships interesting), and make plans, work on their personal development, etc., this can develop into a long and wonderful relationship. If one party feels insecure or low in self respect, that can make for a difficulties. It's easy to behave at our best when in love, but a marriage type relationship involves a lot of self discipline, sacrifice, compromise and flexibility.

Being in love is about the person who is in love, not the other person. It is about the subjective feelings of passion, desire, etc. It is a highly emotional state for the person in love. Naturally, two people may well be in love with each other, although very often one person is more in love than the other, which doesn’t really matter anyway. However, LOVE is a much higher state and comes from the very depth of the heart and soul, and is far more caring and considerate than the relatively self centered emotion of being in love. The emotions and desires are no less strong, as we all know, but they are temporary, because few people can remain in the high emotional state. In addition, the emotions can take over the intellect (logic) and practicality – and even the deeper love. Hence we say that love is blind, and we make decisions we really would not have made were we not in love. Very often this includes a decision to have children.

Sex is intimate and emotionally bonding, and so many questions here are about relationships that have gone wrong due largely to emotional confusion caused by casual sex. You don’t play about with fire without knowing what you are doing, and the same should be the case with sex. Certain consequences are irreversible.

I hope it goes well for you both (all!). Please be friends with her now that she is an adult.

[kimgoff]

From the looks of this post it was written a year ago. I am in the same situation except my daughter is 17 and her boyfriend is 21. We have been struggling to keep things together for a year now and it appears recently that it's slipping away from me. I mean that she is. I have chosen to fight it and to try and keep her from him, but it has only made her miserable and in my opnion weakened our relationship. I only have a few months until she is 18 and have had an awful feeling in my stomach for almost a year. Not sure what to do and was just wondering how your sitatuion is going. Some counselors tell me not to waffle on my boundaries, no drugs (she's smoking marijuana) and no seeing friends who do drugs. It is so draining. Some counselors tell me to focus on building her self esteem, I'm trying but there is so little positive going on (grades falling, she's being consumed by the conflict) that it's hard to build self esteem when she does so little besides sit around and leave in the middle of the night as the boyfriend still lives with his odd mother and she works nights. I've talked to her before and I think she's on pain killers or somethign because it was a wierd conversation. My daughter is a great person who has struggled with conflicts between other girls in high school as she was on a strong cheer squad, did well, but when she started smoking quit and was betrayed by her cheer friends anyway . . . so she's just been hurt, but seeing this has been devastating. I keep hanging on because in my heart I don't think she wants to get married or anything and I am hoping that it just ends up fading, and she just needs ONE decent guy to sweep her off her feet. Husband literally wants to blow the guy up. I'm rambling. Hows your situation??