Proof reading and editing?

[eliot]

Hi, I have got a speaking and listening assignment on Monday and we had draft up a pitch for it. I wondered if it was any good. Are there any grammatical errors...if so what can I do to correct them and also I would appreciate it if you could help me include more sophisticated vocabulary. Also I am in year 9.

Good Afternoon, I am Aaran Karia from Learning the Easy Way and I am here today to pitch to you about my latest invention that is called My Portable Teacher. I am seeking 100,000 for 15% equity in my company.
We all know that teaching children new aspects of a topic can be stressful; especially for children. That is why I have come up with a unique product to solve this continuously increasing problem. I have created a fun, engaging and obliging product to help your child comprehend the key topics of the Pre-school or Primary Based elements for Maths and English. This stupendous product takes your child through trouble – free tasks which help advance their understanding of the topic. Once at the end of a unit – your child has the opportunity to achieve a certificate, with a mini-test at the end. The test is comprised of ten questions covering everything that your child has been taught … If they receive 10/10 they will receive an e-certificate which they can print or send; envision the concentration your child will put in to gaining, the superior and personalized certificate. From our market research, we know that 100% of teachers agree with the choices of topics we have chosen. 84% of schools say that they will buy the product for the whole off their kindergarten and 64% of schools say that they will purchase the invention for the whole off their Reception and Year 1 students. We have accumulated that the market for our gadget is growing every day. Children in Pre-school and Reception are assessed inversely to children in Year 1. Children in the Kindergarten stages are assessed according to the Early Years Foundation Stage Profile; which includes Counting up to 10, Phonics, Early Reading skills and even basic Adding and Take away. Whereas in Year 1 pupils are assessed, against National Curriculum Levels. Pupils are projected to achieve a Level 1A by the End of Year 1 – however some children struggle to even gain a Level 1C. They are predicted to know how to round to 10 read and write independently, fluently and confidently whilst also commencing to start multiplying with small integers.
If someone decides to purchase a Pre-school Maths gadget – they will have areas such as; lines and patterns, counting and recognising numbers and even adding and take away. Then in each of these topics there are seven mini activities, which they will complete to help them understand each unit. After all the mini activities are complete they will take the mini quiz to see if they can receive that anticipated certificate. On the other hand, if they were to buy an English gadget for 5-7 year olds they will witness topics such as: - What does this say, Quick Spelling, Story Writing, Vocabulary Builder and even Sentence Builder.
We are planning to sell My Portable Teacher for a Recommended Retail Price of £49.99 each because it costs us around £20 to make one. This gives us a healthy profit off £30 per product sold and a 60% individual profit margin. We have also licenced our product which means that is officially a trademark and there will be no tolerance of copyright.
If you were to invest in our product, I would like to open up a factory to make our product – as I think that our product will be ordered in vast quantities by schools. Alongside that, I would like to invest in a mass advertising operation to visualise the product in the educational market. To add, I think that you should invest in our product because I predict that my product will become successful worldwide in countries such as; China, Singapore and America because these countries are fighting and requesting for new technology and I think that they would want to purchase our gadget – to provide their country with a securer grasp of education.

[lathrop]

Better to do much more practice.practice make man perfect.If u will do more practice then you will surely get success.