Access To My Daughter

[Derryl]

hi me and my partener have just split up and we had agreed not to go to solicitors but she has! they are telling me that i can only see her every other weekend which is not the issue. they are telling me that i can only have her from saturday 12 noon till 6pm on sunday, now to me that is not a weekend. i just basically wanted to know what step to take next as i really miss my daughter, i am missing a vital part of her life as she is only 17 weeks old. me and my partener were not married and did not live together. I hope you can shed some light on this for me as its really hurting me, i look forward to your responce. kindest regards

[Dughall]

Dear Ross, I fully understand your sorrows as my daughter was about the same age. Indeed, that is not a full weekend and you can claim for more visitation. However, this is the very typical egoistic behaviour of so many women who see their children as their property and who abuse them to blackmail their partner, to make him pay whatever they want and to torture him the whole live. Even with all papers and court decisions in your hand, she will still find her ways to torture you. Now, I don't know you nor your wife and therefore just a few ideas and hints. Most women react like this at the very beginning. As both partners are hurt and women in western countries know exactly "that the children per definition belong to mothers" they abuse this situation. You say 'just split up'. So you might just wait 1 month to cool her down. Then tell her personally, very calm without blaming her(though you might be right to do so): "I would still prefer that we sit together and agree without involvment of solicitors". Avoid typical sentences like "YOU went to the solicitor,... that is not fair..." as this carries some blame with it. If you are a strong personality she might feel afraid to do that. Maybe you can suggest her to have a common friend with you when you talk, one that you both trust, so she does not feel "alone against you". There is also professional help of counselors or priest etc. If you cannot get her to talk with you, go away calmly and tell her to think about. Prepare yourself, that you really stay calm and that you appear "surprisingly" fair to her. If all that does not help, then there are two things to do: forget about your daughter(I VERY WELL KNOW what I say and how much it will hurt you) or go and fight. Unfortunately, these court battles hardly ever stop etc. especially if she is mean enough(and if that was the reason for breaking the agreement and go to a solicitor). If she simply felt in the weak position and therefore took a solicitor, you should be able to talk to her or even start a second round and ask your solicitor to find an agreement outside the courts. If it goes to court on both sides there will be a lot of pressure, dirty laundry and this doesn't make it better than trying to talk. In brief, the more you can agree without court and solicitors, the better for your daughter. Try yourself to get over the first anger so that you can be generous to her. We men sometimes tend to see little things like the car as an issue. If she wants it, give it to her. You can always work a bit harder to get another one, but working hard might not bring your daughter back(the car was just an example). Of course it is also a minor disadvantage that you were not married. But if your ex considers the baby as her property a marriage would not have helped you. I hope  this give you some ideas how to approach the situation.

Regards, Markus