Attending Inlaw Functions

[Emmanuel]

Hello

I'm 52 years old and have been married to my second for 8 1/2 years.  I immigrated to the US from Canada to marry my husband.

When I was dating my husband(long distance relationship) my husband's brother's wife told my then fiance(now my husband) that he could do much better - marry a professional, it would be economically feasible to him to do so.  My husband is a professional.  I only have my graduation diploma but worked in offices all of my life.  This left a bad taste in my mouth.

Four years into the marriage I had told my mother in law about a family situation concerning one adult daughter back in Canada and the next thing I knew she had twisted around what I had told her and told the rest of the family members that my two adult daughters in Canada were into drugs.  To this day I have no idea where she got this idea from!  Her own adult granddaughter had been into drugs for many years, was running with a drug dealer and had a baby by this drug dealer in early 2007.  She was also up on charges of trying to sell drugs to an undercover officer. The family knew she had been living in a house with the baby where drugs were being bought and sold but did nothing yet the family members were all professionals in their occupations - supposed to be very smart.  AT one point my mother in law told the rest of the family members I had called police on her granddaughter.  Called police for what?  She had long been up on charges before I knew about it.  

Two years after this(2009) the family members - mother in law, her two granddaughters, her one son and his wife were all going on a cruise but the one granddaughter  didn't want to take her 2 year old.   Although it was never mentioned to me, they all expected that I would look after this little one for 10 days while they were on their cruise because I didn't work outside of the home. I did not offer.  The grandmother of the 2 year old had to pay for someone to watch the 2 year old and she was not happy.  Imagine that, I'm being badmouthed but they still expected me to babysit for them.  When they returned from their cruise, the grandmother of the child told my husband that I used menopause as an excuse not to do anything. The last straw was the day after Christmas. I come to find out that my husband's 24 year old niece had read my emails that I had accidentally left open on my husband's iPad. In return she sent me an anonymous email badmouthing me.  This supposedly coming from a well educated girl with a good job, one also spoiled by her parents.  MIL told this girl she didn't want to hear what she read.

I'm so tired of my MIL being two faced, I'm tired of being lied about and just in general the phoniness from them all.  I have told my husband no more - I will not attend any family functions but he is welcome to go since it's his family.  He just doesn't understand where I'm coming from and doesn't think that what has happened in the past is any big deal.

This is typical of this family though - bury their heads in the sand about everyting and pretend things are not happening particularly when it came to the girl running with a drug dealer.  I particularly became the black sheep when I wouldn't attend family functions with this drug dealer being around.  I just don't get it.

More and more I'm thinking of packing it in and returning to my homeland.  What are your thoughts? Thanks in advance.

ANSWER: Hi Margaret,

Will you allow a bunch of idiots to ruin your marriage? If you are in love and your husband is caring enough, why give up?  Yes, you have done the right thing by talking to him about it. Stick to your resolve and just assume that all that they say never reaches you. You don't need a certificate from this group to prove your worth.  A job is never a criterion to judge someone's capacity so take a chill pill.

I would recommend take to yoga or meditation to keep you happy and get busy with some hobby like music or gardening or reading. Regards,

Vani

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

Thanks for the great advice.  In the past when I refused to attend family functions because of the nonsense going on(drug dealer being present) unfortunately my husband was on my case about not attending.  I think he is slowly understanding that if he doesn't knock it off, I will be gone. I don't stop him from attending because it's his but whether or not I attend should be my choice don't you think?  I refuse to be two faced, go with a smile on my face just for my husband's sake, to be a people pleaser - not when I'm being treated badly.  I do volunteering with our local Police Department which I really enjoy plus am into reading and walking.  In the summer, I'm always out in the yard gardening.  Thank you again.  By the way I have none of my family members here for support, they live 2200 miles away.

[hackett]

Hi Margaret,

We all believe in the phrase that God helps those who help themselves. You are onto something good by volunteering, you can join an NGO and help those who are less fortunate or join a cause. If you can give me the city you reside in, can give you a list of the same. http://www.wango.org/resources.aspx?section=ngodir&sub=region®ionID=21&col=F8

As for support, please feel free to drop in a line whenever you miss a friend, am always there listening.

Regards,

Vani