Disobeying

[Abban]

Hey I was wondering about collaring...

See I'm in a Master/slave relationship with my girlfriend and have been for about 6 months(we've been going out for 2 years but only recently got into the lifestyle. Our whole relationship has been online but we are moving to see each other very soon. I have sent her a "collar" already to wear constantly as it is a beautiful necklace-looking collar and passes with complete ease in vanilla situations.

I now want to get her a new collar to wear around the house when we are together and when she is alone, a more "slave-looking" collar, but reading so much information on collaring I have become so confused.

I have the problem that there's different types of collars I like, such as ones with 3 rings and ones with spikes, etc but the most attractive ones to me are the leather ones with a single ring to attach a leash to. This is the type I would most like to see her wearing often.

My main question is should I get as many collars as I feel like? Or should I limit my collars to only a few? Or should I limit how many proper slave collars(as in ones she will wear constantly eg. her public collar and actual slave collar) and then have as many as I want for play?

I ask because while of course as a Dominant I want to make the decisions of what I do with Me and My slave, it is My decisions to ensure she feels properly owned, and to make sure that the collar feels like the symbol of ownership that it should. I feel like too many collars would make each collar seem like just another toy or an accessory that has no more meaning than a pair of sexy panties.

Thank you very, very much for your help.

Warmest regards, Laurence.

ANSWER: Hi, Laurence...

There are really two worlds of "kinksters" out there.  There is the world of BDSM(which was an outgrowth of the swinging movement in the '60s and '70s) and the "Leather" community that was virtually all Gay men until about a decade ago.  In the Leather community, Master or Daddy gives slave or boy a collar.  Period.

Now, the BDSM community tends to by leather wear without realizing that in the "Leather culture" all pieces leather(boots, pants, vest, etc.) are earned for service or for other reasons.  That is, one "earns one's leathers" rather like a military person earns rank.

Some of this now applies to your confusion about collars.  I've heard of blue collars as training collars, another as a collar of consideration, another as the permanent collar.  I'll admit, when I entered this confusing lifestyle, I simply bought collars for my now-slave because they were pretty and could be worn under different circumstances.  Once I gave her her permanent collar, though, the other collars became surplus.  We live down in Panama, now, and I've discovered that she's brought about seven collars with her.  She hasn't had any of those on for years.  I presume it's for sentimental reasons.

Oh, and her permanent collar is a Gorean affair often referred to as an "eternity collar," should you wish to look it up on the Internet.  And she doesn't have the allen wrench that opens it.

Bottom line: A collar has exactly the amount of meaning that you give it.  As you're starting out in the M/s structure, you may wish to look at some of the very few books available on that topic.  Really, there are only three authors: Guy Baldwin, Jack Rinella, and me.  I found Guy's book to be transforming.  It helped me tremendously when I was starting out.  

By the way, are you aware that there are five regional and one national conference on Master/slave relations?  The next one up is Great Lakes Leather Alliance in Indianapolis in August.  Right after that -- over Labor Day -- is the Master/slave conference in Washington DC.  I'll be at that one with slave Mindi.  The DC conference workshops are ALL on aspects of the M/s relationship dynamics.

Hope this helps.  If not, write back and we can continue the discussion.  Oh -- there are as many M/s structures as there are people practicing M/s.  Every relationship is slightly different.  Don't try to conform, it goes against the nature of Mastery.

Bob

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

Hey,

Everything was going great in my M/s relationship. My slave wanted nothing more than to please me. She lived for me and only for me. She loved obeying me and would do anything for me.

But

She recently wanted to do something she enjoys that I hate her doing. I told her it wasn't allowed and explained my reasons why. I explained her place again despite the fact she is very well aware of it already.

She has now directly disobeyed me and is telling me she will do things despite knowing(with me even telling her) that it's more to me than disobeying. It's hurtful and would upset me whether she was my slave or not. She ignores me and won't talk to me properly(as in won't converse with me).

She says she still sees herself as mine and still wants to be mine.

What should I do about her disobeying me? I don't want to just have fights with her because I truly care about her and our relationship. Should I be stricter in punishing her and be really dominant over her if she's like that? Is it better to let her get it out and calm down then correct her? And as for disobeying is that something I have to correct in her? Or is it my place to correct myself only?

Basically I'm asking what should I do with a slave who directly disobeys after so much time of dedication and service?

Please help as soon as you can.

Warmest regards, Laurence.

[Andwele]

Ooh, ooh, icky.  Serious problem, Laurence.  I'm sorry.

OK, I'll apologize up front for writing so much, but your question is actually complex.

The core nature of a Master/slave relationship is this: the slave pledges to serve and to obey Master, and Master pledges to work for the slave's spiritual, emotional, health, social and financial well being. That means that to override the slave's request has to be seen by you as being related to your responsibilities as a guide/mentor and be in her long-range best interest.  Of course, you can simply say "No, I don't want you to go there or do that."  You do not need to justify your decisions in this kind of structured relationship.

So: the quick answer is... Upon a direct defiance of a clearly stated order, the slave has just ended the relationship.

Next question: have you or she done some research about M/s relationships?  You seem to know what you're talking about, but I wonder at her behavior.

If my slave were to take off her collar, I would not put it on again.  She's left the relationship.  If I found my slave had done something  behind my back, I would remove her collar on the grounds that she had broken the sacred trust that binds you together.  After all, if you can't trust her in one respect, how can you trust her in any action?

The problem you have posed has nothing much to do with you that I can see.   This has to do with your girlfriend understanding what a relationship with you requires.

Now, here's the longer answer.

I make a distinction between "correction" and "punishment."  Correction occurs when the -slave violates some sort of protocol.  You have a preference, it's written down in your Protocol Manual, the slave violates it.  Correction.

Punishment, in my world, only occurs when there is a direct violation of the contract between you two in your Master/slave relationship.  The only time my slave actually said "no" to me I removed her collar for 24 hours.  (In our relationship, my slave has surrendered authority over herself to me, and part of that is that she may not actually say "no" to me.)

In my world, punishment would take shape something like this:

1) Withdrawal of time together.  She will have strictly limited access to you or no access at all.   She may have to sleep on the floor in the living room, for example.

2)  Shock removal of her collar to observe how she reacts.  If there is not much reaction, then I'd wonder whether the slave has the appropriate understanding of and respect for the M/s structure.

Now, in my own relationship(and discussed over and over in my books) there are:

Requests

Orders

Instructions

"slave Mindi, would you please straighten up your side of the closet?"  Not a big deal, and the slave is left to figure out what you mean because she knows your likes and dislikes.

But the job doesn't get done.  Level two.

"slave Mindi, I've asked you to clean up your side of the closet and that has not been done.  This is an order.  By 5pm this Sunday, please clean up your side of the closet so that nothing is on the floor, all surfaces above the clothing are neat and orderly, and arrange your clothing so that they are not all bunched up together."  In this structure, you state the request, the time frame, and the degree of satisfaction -- what "finished" looks like to you.

Nothing happens.

"slave Mindi.  I've now asked you politely to clean up your cupboard.  Nothing happened, so I gave you an order, clearly stating it was an order.  What I'm now giving you is a permanent instruction that by dinnertime each Sunday your side of the closet...."

Why am I running you through this?  Because not following an instruction(which is what you gave your slave) you have to ask yourself and your slave a series of questions.  I strongly urge you to do this in a structured setting using "talking sticks."  That is, the two of you sit down with some symbolic thing between you on something that makes this discussion appear different from other discussions.  I use a rabbit pelt.  Put the stick down.  The first person who wishes to speak picks up the stick.  The listener may NOT interrupt the speaker.  When the speaker is finished, the stick goes back down.  You are not to hand the stick to the other person.  Now, the prior listener must repeat what he/she hard the speaker say.  At the end of your repetition, you then ask whether speaker had been correctly understood by the listener. Put the stick down.  The prior speaker either says yes or no.  If it's "no," then the prior speaker must explain the part of the message that was missed.  Etc.

In your case, I would think that some of the questions you need answered in this way are these(not in any order).

1) "I'm confused.  The entire basis of our M/s relationship is that you have turned authority over yourself to me.  In that light, it is my decision who you spend time with and the activities in which you participate.  First, is there something I'm not getting about why you are refusing a direct instruction from me?"

2) "Please explain to me what I am offering you as your Master and what  at you bring to me as a slave?  (Skills, talents, money...)

3) If you were completely loyal to me and said I wanted to be around you and stay in this relationship, but then went out and had an affair behind your back, how would you react?

4) If this entire situation were reversed, how would you deal with me?

Let me know how it turns out.  I wish you the very best,

In Leather Heat and Spirit,

Bob