Ending feud before family visit?

by **lundie** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:22 am

About 2 weeks ago my pregnancy hormones got the best of me and I jumped on my mother in law via text about his dad and grandpa disciplining him harshly about 15-20 yrs ago. My husband won't allow me to talk to his mother and at the end of the week we are having him a birthday dinner/party and she and I of course have to be at the same table. Should I just leave it alone and not say anything (then she and I will undoubtedly not speak at the table and it would probably bother him at his party) or do I call her up and be the bigger person? I've forgiven her because she did turn it all around on me and make stuff up/exaggerate. How do he and I solve this predicament before 2 days from now?

by **merla15** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:27 am

YOU'VE forgiven her? Really? You blew it by confronting your m-i-l. You put your husband in a terrible position, right in the middle between you and his mother.

Suck it up. Apologize. And learn to keep your mouth shut, especially when griping about something that happened years ago, well before you were in the picture.

by **devon** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:30 am

An excuse would be appropriate. In the future do not make judgments when your physical condition is less than adequate.

by **jamilah38** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:41 am

I think you should try and call her... It's not about your husband but about making your mother in law comfortable and yourself. Follow your heart... Plus, if you hash this out... it'll make the holidays so much more less stressful between you two. And I'm sure she will appreciate it. Even call her and ask her out to eat or have some girl time and just enjoy the company. I've had many issues with my mother in law and the best way to fix it... is to actually fix it. :]

by **teithi71** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:53 am

I know this is reverse psychology but what you do is apologies even though you dont really mean it. What your mother-in-law has learned out of this is that you have the potential and the force to be reckoned with. Best to just shoot out a card today and a short apology and mail it too her. As long as your at ease with her then everyone else will sense it and be at ease themselves.

by **rickie** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:59 am

I would try and call her if i was you and try and put things behind you, if that. But if that doesn't work. Leave the door open for her and just leave it alone until she comes to you. If you two aren't gunna be the best friends, you could at least be civil. Just try and not get on each others nerves :)

by **egan** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:12 am

I understand that you feel protective and maybe upset that your husbands dad and grandfather where harsh on him. Obviously it was hard on your husband and he shared that with you. He did not expect it to ever be brought up like that so now he is in a uncomfortable position.

Make it simple, a quick call to her about something regarding the dinner..see if you can sense any animosity..you can then tell her (even if its a lie) that you are looking forward to seeing them and tell her that your a little nervous because your hormones are making you emotional and can she offer any suggestions (even if you want nothing from her)

If she prefers to go to her kids games or sit home and do nothing..then so be it. Don't get all butt hurt. You sure don't want to go anywhere with you if she does not want to be there. Just thank God you have your own family now and you and your husband have each other and as long as neither in-laws live next door then you will be fine. Take care of your own.

by **egann** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:20 am

Sounds less like the oh-so-convenient pregnancy hormone excuse and more like immature bad manners. This is evidenced in the fact that you TEXTED her to chew her out. Good Lord. What grown woman does that sort of thing?

Of course, you call her up and apologize. Make it a real apology and nothing conditional.

EDITED FOR CLARIFICATION: "I've asked her countless times to hang out and she always blows me off for her pre teen kids football/baseball."

Isn't this what parents are supposed to do?

by **corcoran42** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:28 am

Call her up immediately and apologize. Hormones are an excellent excuse. Tell her you aren't the same person you were 20 years ago and you are sure that other people change a great deal in that amount of time as well. And that you are just examining parenting methods because you are about to have a baby and you and your husband have been discussing your childhoods a great deal in preparation. Share with her that you have been discussing ways your parents handled life as well and that you are sorry to have given her grief over something decades old that she likely handled, at the time, as well as she knew how.

Tell her you adore her son and know that she had a lot to do with how wonderful he turned out.

The two of you don't need to be "hang out" buddies. You are her daughter-in-law, not her girlfriend.

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