Grammar & sentence question? for a cover letter?

by **flannagain** » Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:17 am

I'm applying for a shipping coordinator for a winery. Its all about having a knowledge about shipping liability & state laws & permits... Which sentence makes for sense to you? And if they need better wordplay?

"I am convinced that a Wine Club Administrator, being well-informed of the current state laws, as well as recognizing any future changes will provide a larger range of consumers to have access to our wines. Thus promoting the wine club for out-of-state shipping."

OR...

"Since I am well-informed concerning current shipping laws and have a strong familiarity on changes by the state, I will ensure a greater number of out-of-state consumers to have access to our wines as well as our wine club."

Any advice is appreciated! Thanks in advance!

by **victorio83** » Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:30 am

I think the second is better, since it makes it clear that *you* are that well-informed person.
I'd tweak it a little, to:

Since I am well-informed about current shipping laws and very familiar with changes the state plans* to make to them, I will ensure that a greater number of out-of-state consumers have access to our wines and our wine club.

*I'm not 100% sure this is what you mean. Maybe it's "familiar with recent changes the state has made to them"?

by **devon** » Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:35 am

'I am well informed about current shipping laws and have a sense of the importance of keeping in touch with changes in state laws concerning out of state consumers and other relevant matters. Thus I consider myself well equipped for ensuring that as many out of state consumers as possible have access to our wines and our wine club'.

by **shaddoc98** » Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:37 am

I made some changes to both. Words in caps are the ones I inserted, I also deleted some of yours. I prefer your second option. I hope you get the job. Good luck!!

"I am POSITIVE a Wine Club Administrator, WHO IS well-informed WITH current state laws AND WHO RECOGNIZES future changes, will ALLOW a larger VARIETY of CUSTOMERS TO have access to our wines. THIS WOULD PROMOTE out-of-state shipping FOR THE WINE CLUB."

"BECAUSE I am well-informed concerning current shipping laws and have a strong familiarity WITH changes by state, I will BE ABLE TO ensure a greater number of out-of-state CUSTOMERS have access to our wines as well as our wine club."

by **jacobs8891** » Tue Oct 09, 2012 12:19 pm

[quote="flannagain"]I'm applying for a shipping coordinator for a winery. Its all about having a knowledge about shipping liability & state laws & permits... Which sentence makes for sense to you? And if they need better wordplay?

"I am convinced that a Wine Club Administrator, being well-informed of the current state laws, as well as recognizing any future changes will provide a larger range of consumers to have access to our wines. Thus promoting the wine club for out-of-state shipping."

OR...

"Since I am well-informed concerning current shipping laws and have a strong familiarity on changes by the state, I will ensure a greater number of out-of-state consumers to have access to our wines as well as our wine club."

Any advice is appreciated! Thanks in advance![/quote]

In my suggestion, I would suggest you to go with the second alternative,as it is good in language and more promising.

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