I need some grammar assistance, please? (For a Cover Letter)?

by **hewlett** » Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:17 pm

Hi,
I'm preparing a cover letter. And there's just one sentence that I can't seem to perfect. It sounds strange to me... Moreso the first 8 words. So I'll just post what I have so far...

"I am convinced that as a Shipping Coordinator, being well-informed with the current laws as well as recognizing any future changes by state will provide a larger range of consumers to have access with our wines. Thus promoting the wine club for out-of-state shipping. "

I'm NOT a shipping coordinator yet, but does the first 8 words sound like I'm promoting I am?
I was trying to say anything along the lines of 'as any Shipping Coordinator...'

by **mate** » Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:19 pm

i cant understand your means

by **stein74** » Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:27 pm

Since I am well-informed concerning current (shipping?) laws and stay up-to-date on changes by the state(s?), I will ensure a greater number of out-of-state consumers have access to our wine through the wine club.
Something for you to work with. As you have it it's way too wordy.

by **chason58** » Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:31 pm

If you're worried about the first phrase, just say, "I am convinced that a shipping coordinator..."

Other thoughts:
1. You cannot be informed WITH a law. You are informed OF it.
2. The phrase "changes by state" is unclear. What is changing?
3. You do not mean "access WITH our wines," you mean "access TO our wines."
4. The last sentence is not really a sentence. It is a phrase.

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