How Do Ambiguously Gay Co-workers Make You Feel? Would You Feel More Comfortable If They Made It More Clear They Are Gay

[xing]

I never make an situation of my sexuality, but I never pretend that it's the world's very best kept secret either. I am particular there are perceptive co-workers there who can tell I am gay.

[Raja]

I'm curious, but polite I think I've got a fairly sensitive gaydar.  However, there are people who puzzle me.  I want to identify them, positively, if I can.  This is mainly because I don't want to make an incorrect assumption, and I don't want to make any fauxs pas.    The thing is, sexuality is not something that changes the way I treat a person.  Well, maybe I feel safer around gay men than straight men.  Although I've had my run-ins with really nasty gay men, in the past.  But that's a whole nother story.  Let's just say a former girl friend appeared to be using a liason with a gay man as a way to get back at me.  He ruined my records(yes, this was that long ago), and at one point burnt pine boughs in the oven in order, he said, to make the house smell nice.  Yeah.  Nice, if you happen to like the smell of burning down houses inside your house!   I digress, of course.  I'm trying to resist saying that some of my best friends are gay, but the fact is that my best friend is gay.  So's my second best friend.  Sometimes I wonder how come I'm not gay.  The point is that no one at work knows this about me.   My attitudes are not written on my face.  Well, this is not quite true, but I work and have worked at many very progressive places where every gay or lesbian was out.  No one was bothered by it.   But there have been situations in life where I've met people, and I didn't know, and it was ambiguous.   It bothers me not knowing, but I understand.  I used to worry for my best friend when he and his partner moved to a very redneck area.  It worked out fine, but there was a time when I thought they'd end up beaten or lynched.   I think safety is an important concern.  So if coming out could cause some of your coworkers to discriminate against you, or your employer to treat you differently, I'd not do it.  While we might wish it, not every community has a nondiscrimination against gays and lesbians clause, and for those that do, it only applies to government employees, or to any business that voluntarily subscribes to it.   However, if there are no safety concerns, I'd say you should come out.  I think people like to know about their coworkers.  It is important to know things about the personal lives of coworkers.  That's what makes workplaces work well.   When people have to keep secrets -- well -- that's not a place you want to work for very long.  It will be STRESSFUL!   In situations where it is ambiguous, I tend to just hang out, and wait.  I slowly build confidence and trust, and eventually, we might get to a point where the person will feel it is safe to come out to me.  Of course, I usually know long before then.  I've usually given lots of hints suggesting I know and I'm ok to tell.  Sometimes this works sooner, and sometimes not at all.  Sometimes it matters, and sometimes not.   So, there's no correct answer to this.   It depends on the situation.  Good luck. Zhop 69 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[Zeru]

It is up to you - if you are comfortable sharing your personal life with coworkers, then you should. I am a professional business woman in San Francisco.  Some gay people I work with, or have formerly worked with, are open about their lifestyle and speak about their partners or other aspects of their lives.  I have also worked with gay people who are reticent about revealing that they are gay and are careful about sharing anything about their lives that could provide clues.    Sometimes I have wondered about whether people I work with are gay, but it is just a point of curiosity and doesn't matter to my comfort level either way.  Whether I enjoy working with someone, or how comfortable I am with them is not reliant upon whether or not they are gay.  In fact, I'd have to say that it is sometimes more comfortable for me to work with gay men because there is no weird tension and I can just relax and be myself.     belamie 69 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[burhtun]

I am a professional business woman in San Francisco.  Some gay people I work with, or have formerly worked with, are open about their lifestyle and speak about their partners or other aspects of their lives.  I have also worked with gay people who are reticent about revealing that they are gay and are careful about sharing anything about their lives that could provide clues.    Sometimes I have wondered about whether people I work with are gay, but it is just a point of curiosity and doesn't matter to my comfort level either way.  Whether I enjoy working with someone, or how comfortable I am with them is not reliant upon whether or not they are gay.  In fact, I'd have to say that it is sometimes more comfortable for me to work with gay men because there is no weird tension and I can just relax and be myself.    

[Callum]

Shhhhh, be verwy verwy quiet.. I am Hunting Rabbit Just because you know, does not mean it is obvious to everyone else. My "gay-dar" works better than my partners. I also know that while I may be open where I work, not everyone wants to discuss their personal life or have it be open to public discussion. Privacy is a right, very little respected these days. If you feel someone is obvious then you can smile that you may not be. However, there are those men who are so queer, you feel it is clear, I have a few friends like that, they are straight as can be but they are just themselves and not subject to concern of what others might think or say. They are just happy. Bottom line, if they do not openly discuss that part of their life at work, that is their right, if you prefer to do so, that is your right. Just try to be considerate. The_Jester 69 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[Yule]

Personally, I would prefer to see my co-workers "be themselves" Rather than pretend to be straight if they are not. But I think the environment you are in will dictate how open you should be about your orientation. Of course there are laws protecting you from discrimination, but we all know that some people will not act civilized when they get wind that you are gay. You are probably the only one who can decide if the work setting you are in is going to be open to your being out. Every workplace has its own culture and most co-workers try to be on friendly terms so if you feel like your co-workers can handle it, go ahead and be yourself. If you describe yourself as ambiguously gay it is more than likely your co-workers are aware and would not be surprised. But it is also a good policy to keep the majority of your personal life out of the workplace. So while I am sure most mature adults don't mind knowing your sexual orientation, that is about all they should know about your personal life. I mention this because I have worked with many people(gay and straight) who can't resist telling their co-workers all kinds of details about their sex life. That more than anything is what makes people uncomfortable. If you maintain a professional attitude at work, there is no reason anyone should have a problem one way or another. Good luck to you! elphaba 69 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[Moises]

In my experience, I'd rather they made it clear ... I?ve a fair number of gay friends, but the person I?m thinking about was an un-out gay called Hilton who managed a team of about 12 people. He asked me to spend two weeks training his team; on the afternoon of the first day - once we?d got to know one another, set an agenda, etc. - three of the team came up to me and said ?Look, we like you, and we trust you, so we think you ought to know that we?re planning to kill Hilton on Friday and you?ve got the rest of the week to stop us.?(I suspect a little exaggeration, but there was certainly a huge amount of unhappiness within the group). So I worked pretty hard, and arranged an event for the start of the second week where I could preach on Personality and Relationships at Work - I was trying to address him but hide it in the larger agenda.   Then I made sure that he and I sat together for the meal that followed. Roughly speaking, here?s what I said: ?Look, you haven?t told me outright, but it?s obvious that you?re gay. And it?s obvious to the team too. But they feel that there?s a barrier between you and them. They can talk to one another about what they did at the weekend, but they can?t include you in the conversation. They can talk about friends they have outside work, but they can?t include you ... and so on. They don't want to know the details of your sex life, but as long as you put up this barrier they feel awkward in your company.'   Unfortunately, it didn't work. He was much too much of a control freak, and too hierarchical, to unbend.(He told me that he'd informed the only people who needed to know, i.e. his boss and his boss's boss. That says it all, really). One of the effects on his team was that there were three or four 'pretty boys' and the others didn't know whether Hilton had recruited them for their talents or for their looks - although no suggestion of relationships. In other words, it became the elephant in the living room: everybody knows it's there but nobody talks about it.   In case you want to know how it ended: well, they didn't kill him. I earned my pay for the two weeks I was there, teaching the team various techniques and sharing knowledge, etc., but on the last night they took me out to dinner and it became safe to reveal that I didn't have a very high opinion of him either(not just for failing to come out, but for his general control-freakery) and we nearly got thrown out of the restaurant as we came up with ideas to drive him bananas, such as:   if he's parked his car nose-in, steal his keys and re-park it nose-out; move everything on his desk by exactly half an inch; have a calendar printed with every day out by one date; change his sandwiches; and so on - I can't remember any more, we were laughing too much.   Anyway, Will: unless there are huge, pressing external reasons why you shouldn't come out, just do it. As you say, most people will have guessed; you wouldn't be working in a place that was gay-averse anyway; and I doubt whether there'll be any fuss at all and you can take your partner to the next team barbecue without comment.   I wish you well, but I don't think it'll be a struggle.   Lots of love. EnglishLady 69 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[Waite]

Rather than pretend to be straight if they are not. But I think the environment you are in will dictate how open you should be about your orientation. Of course there are laws protecting you from discrimination, but we all know that some people will not act civilized when they get wind that you are gay. You are probably the only one who can decide if the work setting you are in is going to be open to your being out. Every workplace has its own culture and most co-workers try to be on friendly terms so if you feel like your co-workers can handle it, go ahead and be yourself. If you describe yourself as ambiguously gay it is more than likely your co-workers are aware and would not be surprised. But it is also a good policy to keep the majority of your personal life out of the workplace. So while I am sure most mature adults don't mind knowing your sexual orientation, that is about all they should know about your personal life. I mention this because I have worked with many people(gay and straight) who can't resist telling their co-workers all kinds of details about their sex life. That more than anything is what makes people uncomfortable. If you maintain a professional attitude at work, there is no reason anyone should have a problem one way or another. Good luck to you!

[StancIyf]

I think I've got a fairly sensitive gaydar.  However, there are people who puzzle me.  I want to identify them, positively, if I can.  This is mainly because I don't want to make an incorrect assumption, and I don't want to make any fauxs pas.    The thing is, sexuality is not something that changes the way I treat a person.  Well, maybe I feel safer around gay men than straight men.  Although I've had my run-ins with really nasty gay men, in the past.  But that's a whole nother story.  Let's just say a former girl friend appeared to be using a liason with a gay man as a way to get back at me.  He ruined my records(yes, this was that long ago), and at one point burnt pine boughs in the oven in order, he said, to make the house smell nice.  Yeah.  Nice, if you happen to like the smell of burning down houses inside your house!   I digress, of course.  I'm trying to resist saying that some of my best friends are gay, but the fact is that my best friend is gay.  So's my second best friend.  Sometimes I wonder how come I'm not gay.  The point is that no one at work knows this about me.   My attitudes are not written on my face.  Well, this is not quite true, but I work and have worked at many very progressive places where every gay or lesbian was out.  No one was bothered by it.   But there have been situations in life where I've met people, and I didn't know, and it was ambiguous.   It bothers me not knowing, but I understand.  I used to worry for my best friend when he and his partner moved to a very redneck area.  It worked out fine, but there was a time when I thought they'd end up beaten or lynched.   I think safety is an important concern.  So if coming out could cause some of your coworkers to discriminate against you, or your employer to treat you differently, I'd not do it.  While we might wish it, not every community has a nondiscrimination against gays and lesbians clause, and for those that do, it only applies to government employees, or to any business that voluntarily subscribes to it.   However, if there are no safety concerns, I'd say you should come out.  I think people like to know about their coworkers.  It is important to know things about the personal lives of coworkers.  That's what makes workplaces work well.   When people have to keep secrets -- well -- that's not a place you want to work for very long.  It will be STRESSFUL!   In situations where it is ambiguous, I tend to just hang out, and wait.  I slowly build confidence and trust, and eventually, we might get to a point where the person will feel it is safe to come out to me.  Of course, I usually know long before then.  I've usually given lots of hints suggesting I know and I'm ok to tell.  Sometimes this works sooner, and sometimes not at all.  Sometimes it matters, and sometimes not.   So, there's no correct answer to this.   It depends on the situation.  Good luck.

[Berwyn]

I?ve a fair number of gay friends, but the person I?m thinking about was an un-out gay called Hilton who managed a team of about 12 people. He asked me to spend two weeks training his team; on the afternoon of the first day - once we?d got to know one another, set an agenda, etc. - three of the team came up to me and said ?Look, we like you, and we trust you, so we think you ought to know that we?re planning to kill Hilton on Friday and you?ve got the rest of the week to stop us.?(I suspect a little exaggeration, but there was certainly a huge amount of unhappiness within the group). So I worked pretty hard, and arranged an event for the start of the second week where I could preach on Personality and Relationships at Work - I was trying to address him but hide it in the larger agenda.   Then I made sure that he and I sat together for the meal that followed. Roughly speaking, here?s what I said: ?Look, you haven?t told me outright, but it?s obvious that you?re gay. And it?s obvious to the team too. But they feel that there?s a barrier between you and them. They can talk to one another about what they did at the weekend, but they can?t include you in the conversation. They can talk about friends they have outside work, but they can?t include you ... and so on. They don't want to know the details of your sex life, but as long as you put up this barrier they feel awkward in your company.'   Unfortunately, it didn't work. He was much too much of a control freak, and too hierarchical, to unbend.(He told me that he'd informed the only people who needed to know, i.e. his boss and his boss's boss. That says it all, really). One of the effects on his team was that there were three or four 'pretty boys' and the others didn't know whether Hilton had recruited them for their talents or for their looks - although no suggestion of relationships. In other words, it became the elephant in the living room: everybody knows it's there but nobody talks about it.   In case you want to know how it ended: well, they didn't kill him. I earned my pay for the two weeks I was there, teaching the team various techniques and sharing knowledge, etc., but on the last night they took me out to dinner and it became safe to reveal that I didn't have a very high opinion of him either(not just for failing to come out, but for his general control-freakery) and we nearly got thrown out of the restaurant as we came up with ideas to drive him bananas, such as:   if he's parked his car nose-in, steal his keys and re-park it nose-out; move everything on his desk by exactly half an inch; have a calendar printed with every day out by one date; change his sandwiches; and so on - I can't remember any more, we were laughing too much.   Anyway, Will: unless there are huge, pressing external reasons why you shouldn't come out, just do it. As you say, most people will have guessed; you wouldn't be working in a place that was gay-averse anyway; and I doubt whether there'll be any fuss at all and you can take your partner to the next team barbecue without comment.   I wish you well, but I don't think it'll be a struggle.   Lots of love.