How Do I Get My In-laws To Stop Playing Favorites Between My Two Children?

[eamonn]

I have two kids a 4 year old boy and a two year old girl. My in-laws often play favorites with my son. My daughter is to tiny proper now to know the distinction but she will in the not to distant future. I don't want my daughter to be hurt due to the fact of her grandparents behaviors(not to mention that it annoys my husband and me) My in-laws are not really approachable, they have a tendency to be really passive aggressive, so how do I deal with this with them.

[Faerrleah]

I realize how this can be an specially hard method in your scenario, but your in-laws are adults and they can realize what they are being told. They will not like it, but they'll recognize it. Certainly, the speak requirements to come from your husband. If you speak to them they will resent it much far more. But you can go with your husband to back him up, but you should be pretty clear that you want them not to show favoritism when they go to, and if they continue to do so then you will not let them pay a visit to with either of the kids any longer.Oh, it will be hard. And they may get angry. But as extended as you can go over factors in a calm, rational and open manner, you will eventually enhance your situation. In addition to, I'm certain they enjoy their granddaughter. They possibly don't recognize they are displaying favoritism, so by pointing this out to them they might be quite willing to modify their behavior.Excellent luck!!

[Frang]

I think being direct and discussing the issue is the best way I understand how this can be an especially difficult approach in your situation, but your in-laws are adults and they can understand what they're being told. They won't like it, but they'll understand it. Obviously, the talk needs to come from your husband. If you talk to them they will resent it much more. But you can go with your husband to back him up, but you should be pretty clear that you want them not to show favoritism when they visit, and if they continue to do so then you won't let them visit with either of the children any longer.Oh, it will be hard. And they may get angry. But as long as you can discuss things in a calm, rational and open manner, you will ultimately improve your situation. Besides, I'm sure they love their granddaughter. They probably don't realize they're showing favoritism, so by pointing this out to them they may be very willing to change their behavior.Good luck!! Sources: My Opinion EddieNygma 81 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[Forster]

You make things even when you can and, when the children are a little older, let the grandparents explain it themselves. First, I want to say that you may have to let some things go a little bit.  I spent too much time in the beginning trying to make my in-laws the even, fair grandparents I thought they should be.  What I learned is that once people are older, it is very unlikely they will be doing any changing at all, so spare yourself the aggravation and disappointment.  I finally realized the bottom line is these people(whether I am fond of their actions or not) are my children's grandparents, and I can be aware of their faults and do what I can to support a good relationship between them and each of my children, for my children's sakes.  So first thing to do(if you are doing it) is stop talking about the in-laws in front of your children and stop trying to change them if it is not working.   With that said, here are some things I did.  My in-laws(mother-in-law specifically) clearly favors our first born daughter.  The second child(a son who looks exactly like me and not anything like their side of the family) tends to lose out with them.  For example, they give all of their grandchildren savings bonds for their birthdays.  So after three years of uneven gift giving(first year daughter got $100 S.B., son got nothing; next year daughter got $100 S.B., son got $50; third year daughter got $100 S.B., son got $50), I decided I would put an end to this.  My husband had mentioned it to his mother(whose response was that my son's birthday just happened to fall during the same month they like to travel so they can't do as much for him) and told her it was important to us that things be kept even. (This was after the second time.)  Even after mentioning it to her, she still did the same thing the next time.  We also found out that he was the only grandchild of theirs that did not get $100.  So I wrote them a letter explaining we were very grateful for all they do for the children, but it was very important to us that they keep things even when giving the children gifts.  I went as far as to say that we rather them all receive nothing if money was tight for them, then one receive more.    So the next year neither received anything.  They never discussed the letter with me, but I felt better knowing the message had gotten to them.  However, mother-in-law started sending holiday cards(like Easter or Halloween) with $5 or $10 in my daughter's card, and $2 in my son's.  So what I do now is open the cards before I give them to my children, and even the money out before giving the cards to them.  I know it is pointless to discuss the issue further with the in-laws, so I have decided that evening things out on my end is the best way to handle it.  If my mother-in-law has figured out I am doing this, she has not said anything.   As far as being with them and favoritism going on, when your children get old enough to realize it, all you can do is tell them you don't know why that happened and they should discuss it with their grandparents if it is bothering them.  For example, when my son was 4 and he would ask why his sister got to do something or why she received something from Nana and Grandpa when he was there too, I would just explain to him that his grandparents are older and sometimes forget, but they love him too.  Now he is 6, soon to be 7, and I simply say to him "I don't know why Nana gave your sister that and not you.  Why don't you ask Nana about it?"   I think this is the best way to handle it, as you won't be able to protect your child forever from it.  If YOU say something, it will probably make your in-laws defensive and perhaps even make them be more blatant about the favoritism.  But if their grandchild approaches them and asks why something happened the way it did, then the hope is that by the grandparents having to explain their actions to their grandchild, it may make them more aware of the other child's feelings and take that into consideration the next time.   Bottom line, you can't change them at this point, so don't try or it will probably make matters worse.  Do what you can on your end to make up for it.  Try once to discuss it with them or correct it(like I did with the letter), but if that does not go well, don't bother trying again.  Let your child work out their relationship with their grandparents.  BUT, if the favoritism becomes blatant and hurtful, then let the Mama Bear out!  Be firm and tell them they cannot have a relationship with any of their grandchildren if their actions are hurtful or destructive to any one of them.    One thought about your particular situation to share.  It could be it is just easier for them to interact with the four year old than the two year old.  So it may get better with time anyway.  If this is the situation, you don't want to make a big deal of it now with your in-laws and create defensive grandparents to deal with in the future.  At this point, I would just give it time and maybe set up playdates with just the two-year-old and the grandparents without big brother around so they can get to know and appreciate their granddaughter a little more.  If you get to the point that your daughter is older and it is still going on, then try what I mentioned above.   From a mother who has been there... good luck!     shel 81 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. 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[Colson]

First, I want to say that you may have to let some things go a little bit.  I spent too much time in the beginning trying to make my in-laws the even, fair grandparents I thought they should be.  What I learned is that once people are older, it is very unlikely they will be doing any changing at all, so spare yourself the aggravation and disappointment.  I finally realized the bottom line is these people(whether I am fond of their actions or not) are my children's grandparents, and I can be aware of their faults and do what I can to support a good relationship between them and each of my children, for my children's sakes.  So first thing to do(if you are doing it) is stop talking about the in-laws in front of your children and stop trying to change them if it is not working.   With that said, here are some things I did.  My in-laws(mother-in-law specifically) clearly favors our first born daughter.  The second child(a son who looks exactly like me and not anything like their side of the family) tends to lose out with them.  For example, they give all of their grandchildren savings bonds for their birthdays.  So after three years of uneven gift giving(first year daughter got $100 S.B., son got nothing; next year daughter got $100 S.B., son got $50; third year daughter got $100 S.B., son got $50), I decided I would put an end to this.  My husband had mentioned it to his mother(whose response was that my son's birthday just happened to fall during the same month they like to travel so they can't do as much for him) and told her it was important to us that things be kept even. (This was after the second time.)  Even after mentioning it to her, she still did the same thing the next time.  We also found out that he was the only grandchild of theirs that did not get $100.  So I wrote them a letter explaining we were very grateful for all they do for the children, but it was very important to us that they keep things even when giving the children gifts.  I went as far as to say that we rather them all receive nothing if money was tight for them, then one receive more.    So the next year neither received anything.  They never discussed the letter with me, but I felt better knowing the message had gotten to them.  However, mother-in-law started sending holiday cards(like Easter or Halloween) with $5 or $10 in my daughter's card, and $2 in my son's.  So what I do now is open the cards before I give them to my children, and even the money out before giving the cards to them.  I know it is pointless to discuss the issue further with the in-laws, so I have decided that evening things out on my end is the best way to handle it.  If my mother-in-law has figured out I am doing this, she has not said anything.   As far as being with them and favoritism going on, when your children get old enough to realize it, all you can do is tell them you don't know why that happened and they should discuss it with their grandparents if it is bothering them.  For example, when my son was 4 and he would ask why his sister got to do something or why she received something from Nana and Grandpa when he was there too, I would just explain to him that his grandparents are older and sometimes forget, but they love him too.  Now he is 6, soon to be 7, and I simply say to him "I don't know why Nana gave your sister that and not you.  Why don't you ask Nana about it?"   I think this is the best way to handle it, as you won't be able to protect your child forever from it.  If YOU say something, it will probably make your in-laws defensive and perhaps even make them be more blatant about the favoritism.  But if their grandchild approaches them and asks why something happened the way it did, then the hope is that by the grandparents having to explain their actions to their grandchild, it may make them more aware of the other child's feelings and take that into consideration the next time.   Bottom line, you can't change them at this point, so don't try or it will probably make matters worse.  Do what you can on your end to make up for it.  Try once to discuss it with them or correct it(like I did with the letter), but if that does not go well, don't bother trying again.  Let your child work out their relationship with their grandparents.  BUT, if the favoritism becomes blatant and hurtful, then let the Mama Bear out!  Be firm and tell them they cannot have a relationship with any of their grandchildren if their actions are hurtful or destructive to any one of them.    One thought about your particular situation to share.  It could be it is just easier for them to interact with the four year old than the two year old.  So it may get better with time anyway.  If this is the situation, you don't want to make a big deal of it now with your in-laws and create defensive grandparents to deal with in the future.  At this point, I would just give it time and maybe set up playdates with just the two-year-old and the grandparents without big brother around so they can get to know and appreciate their granddaughter a little more.  If you get to the point that your daughter is older and it is still going on, then try what I mentioned above.   From a mother who has been there... good luck!