How's the beginning of my story?

[lalla3]

Life
Life is just a simple little word with a huge meaning. Life is when a human or any other living creature is born onto this earth for a reason. What is that reason? No one really knows and they spend their whole lives searching for the answer. That’s not something I can say. I was put here on Earth to fight. To kill. I am what some people call a monster, a demon, a mutant but to others I'm a moneymaker, a killer, a winner. I’ve been living a lie ever since I was born. I was told I would live a healthy life without any worry. I wouldn’t have to face my inner demon. No, they were wrong. My mother told me a lie. My brother told me a lie. I told myself a lie. Welcome to my war. Welcome to the insanity of the mutant’s mind. Welcome to Balisk Penitentiary.
My home
I paced in my darkened cell, awaiting the arrival of the guards. Tonight was a big night for my master. My keeper. My grandfather. Tonight I was going to take on the Terrible Three, three other mutants that came from Canada. Forcing mutants to fight is against the law. Does anyone enforce it here in Swallow County? Of course not. The idiots within this godforsaken city don’t believe rights for the mutants. No, we are the scum of the earth. We are the diseased beasts that take up human form. I was alerted to the clicking of my cell door unlocking. I stopped pacing and stared at the door. Its hinges creaked as a man dressed in black military attire pointed an assault rifle at my face.
The soldier stepped further into my cell as he was followed by two others who carried chains and leather harnesses. “Lyka, put your hands against the wall and spread your legs.”
I complied with the man and followed his orders. I turned to the wall, placed my gloved palms on the cold wall, and sprat out my long, slender legs. The soldier patted me down, making sure I didn’t make any makeshift weapons to help me in my fight. Why would I make some when I could conjure up some?
“She’s clean. Chain her up.” The man barked as I listened to his gear jingle as he stepped back. I felt chains wrap around my waist, legs and arms. The others slipped a harness over my small chest and connected it with more chains. As the one soldier finished checked the chains, the other placed a spit shield over my mouth. The guards ushered me out of my cell and down a large, white hallway. We passed many doors which housed mutants with a similar kill rate like me, but none of them made it passed 12 kills. I noticed and listened to the shadows within each cell as they told me who was here and what they can do. We climbed up at least 4 flights of stairs before stepping into a corridor with only metal bars separated each other. Most of them were drugged so they didn’t know where they were or is they were died and this is what hell was like. As we walked passed the prison cells that housed some new fighters, they all cowered as I was led out to the Pit. They sensed the darkness in my heart and the death that hung over me. One of the fighters threw a glass bottle of an unknown substance at the bars. “Demon! May the Devil take back its spawn.” It shattered and the mysterious liquid soaked my tank top and my hair. I backed up as I shook my head, flicking off some drops. I turned toward the scared man as he cowered to the back of his cell. He was around twenty- nine, a new mutant. I can sense he was a telepath. He would be used for tag team combat. An easier way to fight.
I raised an eyebrow to the man but I was jabbed in the back with the butt of the soldier’s rifle. “Keep moving, Lyka!”
We walked passed more mutants as they were awaking from their drug induced comas; I listened to the loud gasps and hard swallows as I walked past. I was feared here by everyone, including my grandfather who ran this illegal rink. No one wanted to be on my bad side. I was the darkest and deadliest fighter here. I survived many fights against many mutants from around the world. Russia, Iran, Cuba. Wherever the mutants were from I fought them. My nerves and powers surged through my body as I neared the infamous Pit. Welcome to my playground.

[melville]

For the sentence where you wrote, "the man barked as i listened to his gear jingle as he stepped back" you should instead write, "The man barked. I heard his gear jingle as he stepped back"

And by the way it's alright. Needs to be edited in areas but it's over all good.
Good luck :D

[chatima]

The writing is pretty good for the most part, but your paragraphs could be shorter. Also, even though it's intriguing and captures the reader's interest, it all seems a little too familiar. Maybe your opening could be a little more original and a little less melodramatic.

[geol19]

its really good

please answer mine - http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiSGc5r_AhzLBvTOa.5ktpTsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20120724161413AA3Txub

[melville]

To give the honest truth, I don't like it. It strongly reminds me of one of those teen age trashy books that everyone hates when they look back on. You picked a hard genre to write about. Supernatural things; especially now with the whole Twilight-hate thing, are really looked down upon. But I hate it when people just leave me hanging after telling me something like this so I'll list out a few..or more mistakes you've made..I sense this to be very long. Be prepared.

Your meaning of life contradicts with my meaning of life. I'd be already putting this book down if it really was a book. Don't put a confident definition of something so opinionated.
"No one really knows.." "That's not something I can say." Now, you're contradicting yourself.
"I was put here on Earth to fight. To kill." "I was told I would live a healthy life without any worry. I wouldn’t have to face my inner demon. No, they were wrong" I know I've seen this a lot and if it's used sparingly it can be a very useful literary tool but you just put a whole bunch of them (there might be another one) in one paragraph and it doesn't sound right. It's kinda like using too many commas and makes the story unappetizing.
"No, they were wrong. My mother told me a lie. My brother told me a lie. I told myself a lie. Welcome to my war. Welcome to the insanity of the mutant’s mind. Welcome to Balisk Penitentiary." Ah, again. You used the same literary device too close together in sentences that doing so, sounds bad. You do this one quite a few times and it sounds WAAAY too overused. Just connect them with commas already. They're technically run-on sentences but I think society lets them be used? Anyways, again, I think I know where you were trying to get at but it's not very good..
Other than that you're conversations was mediocre. I can't tell if you didn't press enter because you were trying to save space or you didn't know you're suppose to press enter every time a new person speaks.
Your vocab was also nothing special, nor was your style. It sounds like a story that one can be easily tired of. Oh, by the way, don't leave the last sentence like that too. You already wrote something like that a few paragraphs ago and although you may have spent a long time on it, it's really short for readers. The entire thing..you just seem to be exercising the word kill a lot which really doesn't have much meaning for the readers. There are thousands of books like that. Details can be your friend.
In conclusion: If I had to rate it 1 the worst 10 the best, maybe about 3.5? But if I was a 4th grader again, and I still had that regrettable obsession with these type of books then...maybe a 5?
Again, supernatural is a difficult genre to write about if you're targeting older kids.
Don't give up and good luck!