How to Deal with an Emotionally Abusive Mother?

[sherborne16]

Hi there. I've been fighting with my mother for as long as I can remember... really, it's been hard, and I'm at the end of my rope. I need help.

A little background: I'm fifteen and the eldest child (I'm also a girl) in my family. I have 2 brothers and live with my mother, who is a schoolteacher. My father died when I was six and my mother has since brought us up by herself, with support from her parents (my grandparents.)

I really appreciate all my mother has done and I do understand that her life has been hard as a single mother with three kids, but unfortunately the emotional abuse she suffered at the hands of her own mother has translated into how she treats my brothers and I. She yells, screams, swears, and tears apart our bedrooms (even threw half of my closet's contents on our front lawn because I had not folded my clothing exactly how she likes it). She gives the silent treatment and refuses to explain her actions and what we have done to make her so angry. When we were younger, she used to be a little more physical with us (slapping, hitting, and in my case, hair-pulling) but since we've grown up a little that has been replaced with more verbal/emotional abuse. She flips from a normal, relaxed state to full-out rage in under a minute, and quite frankly, it's getting harder to manage her emotions all the time.

She's a perfectionist and likes things to be done her way. If she does not get her way, or if something in the house becomes damaged (such as dents in the wood floor, broken plates, even just silverware being dropped on the kitchen floor) she will be consumed by her anger and will not cool down for several days. Even if she is just mad at one of us, her anger will be taken out on every member of the family. She is also a workaholic and spends a great deal of time marking or working on the computer, and always gets very stressed because of her job and/or co-workers.

I'm not going to say I'm perfect either. I have lied to her. I've cut class, I've not done assignments for school and I've brought home below-average marks (In math and science. I have over 90% in every course except science (78) and math (62), but I re-did my credit for the latter in summer school). I'm aware that what I have done is wrong, and I've apologized and accepted the consquences for my actions. However, she does not trust me any more and goes out of her way to bring up all of my wrongdoings in the past (including incidents that happened when I was very young). This of course blows whatever she was mad at me about initially out of control and she works herself into a rage thinking about it.

I've been in a relationship with an older guy (he turned 20 in July, while my 16th birthday is in September). She knew I was dating him and forbid me from seeing him, but she is unaware that we are still together after her "intervention". He has constantly urged me to call child services and has even gone so far as to phone the services himself and ask about my current situation. He has also helped me scare my mother into toning it down a little (the day she threw my clothing onto the front yard, he phoned my grandfather and posed as a concerned neighbour, which prompted my grandfather to rush over and talk to her. Since then she has been hesitant to raise her voice because she is paranoid that the neighbours are watching and that someone will call the police, even though nobody knows what goes on in our house excepting the four of us, my grandparents and my boyfriend.)

She also seems to like tearing me down because of my physical appearance (I have been struggling with my weight since elementary school. I'm currently 5'5" and 136 lbs). Recently she announced to my family that she was "washing her hands" of me and "{when I} get fat enough to qualify for "the Biggest Loser"" she will not say a word to me.

It hurts me when she says such mean things and when she takes her temper out on our family for every minute thing we do. Her anger and rage is not only straining our relationship with her, but with each other and with our friends and extended family. We've run out of things we can do, and we can't live in fear and dread of coming home anymore.

Any advice? I'm running out of ideas and I don't want to have to call child services on my own mother. I've tried talking to her but every time she promises "to change" it only lasts so long. The only noticeable change is what occured after my boyfriend called my grandfather, but I really don't want to have to do that kind of thing to rein in my mother anymore.

[hurst]

Only solutions are to call a relative and explain to them, live there.
Same with friends.
Or child services.

It is your pick.

[herald]

Only solutions are to call a relative and explain to them, live there.
Same with friends.
Or child services.

It is your pick.

You need to put her down like the dog she is.