I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. My hubby is a gem of a person for the rest of his family.?

by **torran** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:17 am

He grew up as an ignored child, with his younger bro given more attention. My husband had been unwell as a child. We stayed overseas and his brother and his wife resided in the very next building. I attribute my husband's abuse to the fact that he could not handle and balance things as he had a lot of responsibilities from his parents. He would get frustrated and pour it on me at times. The initial abuse started because of a discussion on his brother.

His parent's interfered a lot in our daily affairs (They stay in India..but had a say in most things we would do) The younger son wouldnt listen to them and so the in-laws controlled us even more! The younger brother and his wife are the most selfish people I have seen, but my husband keeps changing his opinion on them. I stood up for my husband's respect, but that acted against me. My husband does not acknowledge this. We were asked by our in-laws and abided by that, we generally had to do things together with my brother-in law, like...picnics, shopping, visiting friends. There has been no space for us. I am being told that I didnt take them with us on our honeymoon!

I faced a lot of verbal and emotional abuse, and also some physical abuse. We are married for a yr and now separated and i am back in India. My husband only yells and shouts at me on phone There has not been a proper conversation for 2 months now.

I am in my 30s. well-educated but come from a traditional family background. I cant decide for divorce coz this was my first relationship and I still cant digest this happened to me.

I have been thinking if we didn't stay close to my bro-in-law things would have been better. I want to convey this to my husband, but cant. My husband is totally influenced by my in-laws and this suggestion could put in in more bad light. Do you think it can work after this suggestion? I would appreciate if Indians reply on this, as they might understand the situation better.

by **ruddy** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:20 am

See Sneha...I do not really have time to go through your stuff but all i can say in short is divorce himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

by **cruz50** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:23 am

Your ethnic background is not the issue here. Any form of abuse should never be tolerated. If counseling is not an option, then it's time to consider ending your short marriage. Was this an arranged marriage???......??

by **jabarl** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:30 am

You will be better off without your husband. You are only 30 and well educated, so please don't
waste your life, you deserve better than this.

by **madison86** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:46 am

You will be better off without your husband. You are only 30 and well educated, so please don't
waste your life, you deserve better than this.

You're not his therapist. You're not his whipping post. Leave while you're still young enough to have children with someone else. Please.

by **zadok** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:55 am

Honey, It honestly doesn't matter what "race" of people ans. your question. IF he's an abusive person, he is going to remain the SAME without a Professional advising him on anger management. People with anger situations are filled with anger. They are controllers with low self esteem. I've lived with EVERY type of abusive anger to getting Restraining Orders. Am VERY familiar with the whole situation. He would first need to find out why/where his anger is coming from. Then attempt to get rid of it. It all could take a good while to resolve an anger issue, sometimes never. Lots of anger filled folks come from families of anger problems themselves. Your husband IS verbally, emotionally & mentally abusing you. IF it is not treated, there is NO hope of it ever changing regardless of what you do, how badly you'd like it changed. He's a sick person & NEEDS treatment just as any other "sick" person does. Without it, you are NOT going to hope to have it chged. unfortunately. The one thing I would suggest is IF IF he's willing to work on himself. Willing to change himself. Without it, you don't stand a chance I'm sorry to say. Just hope at some time in his life he'll be willing to get the help he needs. What you now have you'll ALWAYS have without treatment. Think about it in ALL seriousness as to if you want to live with this the whole rest of your life, OR would it be best to put him in your past & go forward with your own life. Your past would be forever gone, your future would still be your own. What is YOUR choice is the MOST IMPORTANT thing. Do as you must do, honey...the best to you...:)

by **max** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:57 am

He is what he is and nothing will change that, with any degree of permanence. Next time before you marry someone, you need to date them long enough to see all sides of them. We do not yell at or verbally abuse those which we are supposed to love. Unless you are or possibly consider yourself as some kind of chattel, I would not ACCEPT his abuse ever. Find your dignity lady. He may dish it out, but you do NOT have to accpet it..hang up..walk out...just don't accept it.

by **lathrop** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:59 am

He is what he is and nothing will change that, with any degree of permanence. Next time before you marry someone, you need to date them long enough to see all sides of them. We do not yell at or verbally abuse those which we are supposed to love. Unless you are or possibly consider yourself as some kind of chattel, I would not ACCEPT his abuse ever. Find your dignity lady. He may dish it out, but you do NOT have to accpet it..hang up..walk out...just don't accept it.

Sneha, I think Your Husband is not abusive , he is Defensive when you talk about his family.
i really don't know how bad the situation was but leaving each other is not a Solution it is just an option (an easy Option), This world is full of pessimist people who will tell you to be separated but can you think of beautiful time spend with him (which i am sure you did), what i think the best way is just call him and ask him to sort out the things between you two , i mean try your level best to save this relation .last thing you do in a relation is a divorce and you should not regret your decision ever in your life...and remember no body will leave their parents for you. because they are the one who has given him birth and he has spend most of the time with them only . Marriage means adjustment .

by **ear** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 3:07 am

I take slight offence to your request that 'Indians' reply to your question as they understand your situation better. If I asked whites only to reply, I'd get done for 'abuse.'...

anyway. I am aware of what goes on in Indian families. I do read. And I do know some people who are Indian and know the dynamics of it all, including arranged marriages... so, i hope you dont mind me replying.

first, your husband will NEVER put you first. he's made that quite clear. do you want to be with someone like that forever, or can you live with it, given you are Indian and understand this better than I do.

I wouldn't put up with that sort of thing myself.

Family can wreck relationships, and in any culture, if the family is suffocating, or interfering, or always there, then you cannot have any kind of relationship with your man. ever.

so, unless you face physical threat if you leave him, i'd say pack your bags and go. and if he's shouting at you on the phone, what's he gonna do to you in person?

by **zacchaeus21** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 3:13 am

I would move on... You are away from him and I think that's great.. Many women are STUCK in bad marriages with no way out.. Besides, what makes you think 'things' will be better? He will still listen to the in-laws over you.

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