I am not sure I want to be married anymore?

by **hillocke** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:48 am

My life haas had more than small ups and downs. I am a survivor of clergy abuse. My husband still attends the church that has the person that hurt me in 2001. I have tried my best to live thorugh the years and try to keep up a brave face despite post traumatic stress disorder from the assault.

My husband's feelings towards me have changed over the years. He put me on a very strict budget so that I can barely live financially. I got a job that helps not only to fill my expenses but fills in the blanks. He has moved the savings to another account in another bank that doesn't have my name on it. We still live in the same house that this happened in. A long time ago he told me "why did you let this person do this?" I never forgot that statement.

I know there is a person inside of me that is worth living for, and that I bring value to this world, but quite simply, what I want most, the compassionate and present love of my husband, I don't have. When he sees I am sad or struggling, he will take me to a local bar for pizza and alcohol to ease the pain. I cannot be on antidepressants due to severe apnea. I can have a surgery that would widen my airway and allow me to take antidepressants. My husband told me that funds are tight this year and that I need to wait til January to have that surgery. Then, our adult daughter couldn't pay her rent and he gave her $900 and is paying the rent for our son who also is in college. Both kids are a bit lavish with their spending...tablet, drums, bass guitar, laptops, with their student loans and then turn to dad when they run out of money.

I know this sounds like a feel sorry for me thing, but I am looking for ideas on how to validate myself because my husband is not doing it. He is getting a new kitchen for the house, but insists on putting him in himself and I know that it is to increase the property values so he can finally sell it.

What hurts me the most is when I have a relapse of post traumatic stress disorder and start crying, he never comes over to put his arm around me or tell me things are going to be okay or that he is here for me. He views me as I am the problem, I feel. That is howt he church viewed me before they went silent on me. I don't go to church, but do believe in God. So I need to find a way from this very sad day in my life, to happiness. I am thinking about going ahead with a divoice. He said that if that is what I want he will go along with it. He puts no caring emotion into our life. He gets the minimum material needs and stays away from me for the rest. Works long overtime hours, and is compassionate and loving to our children. However, I do not feel that he is to me. Right now I am crying as I type this and he's up in his room, and that's how it is. He is very disconnected from me. I treated him to lunch yesterday with some farmers market earnings. I have, with my earnaings, purchased him things like a grill, I buy things for the home like a much needed vacuum cleaner since the $12,000 per year I live on budget wise from him ust cover our food and food assistance to our daughter who is not making ends meet. she comes to our home and takes half the food that I buy. I shop at thrift stores for my clothes with money I make at the saturday market selling my handmade items.

I have never been lower in my life. Right now, my wedding pictures are in front of the fireplace. I was thinking about burning them, but I can't. I asked him, if he cared, to come and talk to me. he's still upstairs. I really don't think he cares about me. I am simply the puzzle piece he put in his life many years ago and then all of a sudden I don't fit. Especially after the abuse. he continues to practice his catholic faith in ffront of me and attends mass every sunday, and has created a life without me.

Now I have to have the courage to leave and rebuild my life. Please help me. I have given a lot of answers on here and they are usually picked as best answers because they are literally carved from understanding that comes from deep pain..however, I am struggling with the answer for myself.

by **ryscford** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:56 am

Hi there, Im sorry for what you are going through. Let me tell you something, my dad was divorced and it wrecked his life for a long time. He got into depression and he tried everything to ease his pain. Many Children have been so broken after a divorce. But here is the deal, If you do believe in God, my advice is to pray for him. No matter what situation you are in, thank God for it. Let me tell you, you'll see changes immediately. Let me encourage to go into a good church. They can help you out in these times. I may recommend a movie which is called "Fireproof". Please do go and watch it for it really helped so many couples. Find the love again. Many people will never tell you this but Divorce is so strong that it eat into your soul for life. Find the love again.

by **bercnan72** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:02 am

oh my

by **yago** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:09 am

Dear dear dear! I absolutely agree with the last two answerers and have more to add. Yes, it's obvious that he does not care about you or your feelings. Not only that, he is also blaming you for letting him do this to you??????????? I don't really know what happened but I am guessing it was sexual assault? Oh, and he still goes to the same church where his wife was assaulted??? Does he have no dignity???? Is he so brain washed with religion?!! In this case, your husband is blaming you!!!!!!! How caring! Also, he told you that he will give you a divorce if that is what you wanted!!! Gee, what a fighter!!! He is really willing to fight for your relationship together isn't he? But let me ask you, have you talked to him about any of this? Also, how do you know you have PTSD? Did you see a psychologist? I am asking because I am a PTSD patient myself and received therapy for it. What helped me most actually was cognitive behavioural therapy. But how can you even start building your life when you've got a husband like this? We normally expect love and support from our partners and certainly do not expected to be treated like an object or even -- and please forgive me, -- less than that. Also, it seems to me he has somehow spoilt your children but this is his own business. Also, you certainly are being verbally and emotionally abused. You still have your life and future ahead of you. Stop neglecting yourself and letting yourself go and living for other people's needs even if those people were your children. earn to love yourself. Please take care of yourself and do what you have to do in order to feel better. Take control of your life before it becomes really too late.
All the best

by **cadby** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:10 am

If you are now courageous enough to make a change, please take yourself into personal therapy with a good therapist. It could be you need to shake this man. However, it could also be that a change of perspective will change everything else in your life. The kids are gone. Something new needs to move into your life. You seem to think that getting rid of your husband will make you happier. My suggestion is that you put your effort into expanding your financial situation, into therapy for yourself, into finding new and rewarding things to do with the time you used to spend mothering, and really recognize that your sadness is something you own and it is not a gift your husband gave you. Look to investigating what is happening to you with a therapist so that you build a happier life and not just a sad one minus husband.

by **akule76** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:19 am

Sorry to hear about all this. You sound for sure..like a victim of domestic abuse in many ways. This so called husband of yours and I use the term loosely has lowered your self worth and respect. You need to make arrangements ASAP to live with your parents or a parent. Move out when he is not there. He does not 100% care about you . You need to file for divorce. Borrow this money .. make a payment plan if you have to. You need to go back to school to become an RN. You also need to join a gym where you can swim and get yourself moving again and motivated. Perhaps go to your local shelter and get a dog or puppy to care for. I am not sure if you have kids. If not that is a good thing there.
Your life will continue to sink if you don't do these things. You need to get away and soon. You need to get your hair done, nails, pedicure.. get some highlights.. etc. You need to care again about you. It is your fault... that you stayed. We can feel badly to an extent. But.. when a person does not choose their own happiness first and allows the abuse to continue.. it is then time for counseling. Seriously. You can't become well and whole again until you leave. You are in a co dependent marriage. You are enabling this man you call your husband to keep on treating you badly. He has no love or respect for you and you have no love and respect for yourself. So you stay.. thinking your deserve this OR it will get better and it won't! It is a done deal with him. It should have ended when the abuse happened. But.. you chose to stay. No one can help you if you choose to stay. Seriously. You can't change him. You do deserve better and to be happy. Your health can and will improve once you leave.. and not unless or until then. Don't use your health for sympathy or as an excuse to stay. Because it has not worked for you all this time. You are in charge of you and your own happiness. Until you love yourself some day again.. you are no good for anyone else. Your allowing this abuse to continue.. and this disrespect. You need to break free. You have been a prisoner in this life... your choose to stay in. You can talk all you want and cry about this.. and we can listen.. but this is doing you no good staying and is all a waste of your time.. unless you pack up when he is at work and move in with your parents. Go back to school be a nurse and your medical bills will be covered. You will be self supporting. Your life will improve. Also.. match .come has meet and greets when your whole and ready. Don't make any more excuses. You sound like your justifying the reasons you have stayed with him all this time. That is not justifiable. It is now long past due to leave him. "God Helps Those Whom Want To Help Themselves" You can continue to be the victim and continue to find comfort in the victim role and make others feel badly as you vent and do nothing about it. OR.. you can take this and your life seriously and want more for yourself and do this.Do tell family and friend and seek out the help you need to do this. Good Luck!

by **forde** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:31 am

First, you should know that sleep apnea can be deadly (increased risk of heart disease, car accidents, etc.) and that it also increases your PTSD and depression by interrupting your deep sleep cycle. Deep sleep is what helps your nervous system to heal so that you can recover from your PTSD and maybe your depression, too. Treatment for your sleep apnea is not optional, it is what you need.

Other treatment options include sleep apnea machines and custom made mouth pieces but I'm suspecting your doctor advised you that the best option for you would be the surgery...or maybe your PTSD makes the machine uncomfortable.

Isn't a Christian husband supposed to love his wife like Jesus loved the church...wholly and sacrificially? Yet, he's buying a new KITCHEN??? A kitchen????????

You do what you need to do to take care of you. If he refuses to do more to help you then you need to help you, even if that means leaving your home and rebuilding your life.

I am curious, though. Why has he made all the decisions in your relationship thus far? Why does he control even your money? Do your kids know that they are taking money and food you NEED? Have you ever told them? And did you ever tell your husband how much it hurt you when he blamed you for the abuse?

It sounds to me like perhaps you have become a doormat and let people walk all over you...and that needs to stop. You have rights and needs too, just like any other human being. Would you treat someone else the way you treat yourself? Or the way he treats you? I suspect not, you sound like a kind and loving woman. Share some of that kindness and love with yourself.

It sounds like the two of you would have benefitted from going to marriage counseling together years ago when the attack happened...or that you might still benefit as a couple now. You could also go on your own to help you work through things. And I think the movie Fireproof might be a good awakening for your husband! The husband in that movie wants to buy a boat instead of medical equipment for his wife's mother. Sound familiar? It's a great movie for Christian men who have checked out of their marriages as your husband has. But your husband would still have to be willing to change.

Bottom line: If your hubby won't care for you now...If he knows that sleep apnea is dangerous but puts a kitchen first then by all means TAKE CARE OF YOU. Leave, get that surgery, do what you need to do. Imo abuse is a deal breaker in marriage and not having access to medical care is abuse imo under the circumstances you describe.

Best wishes to you. Remember, you are much stronger than you know. There is a whole world of beauty and strength within you.

And good for you for being courageous! That's certainly the first step! Leaving may be what frees you from many of your problems as you will finally be standing up for yourself! <3

by **sheridan93** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:33 am

Sad to hear this Lilian , i think that asshole could be cheating so he has changed his attitude . Men are usually stupid and quick to let us know what they are up to . Try to be strong , get an old or ex boyfriend who may be single and pour it all out just to get some attention. Pls be good to the kids and don't take the pressure out on them . You deserve to be loved so find love , change the way you dress and attitude, spice up your life and make that stranger feel less important.Since you are working and capable of taking care of yourself , stop giving him so much attention . I had a similar experience......this man eventually turned me into dressing up like monk only for him to start staying out late after work and verbally abusing me , i quickly switched back to how i was dressing nd acting before i met him , i went clubbing with friends and making new friends then i realised how beautiful i am .THE guy has always regretted what he did to me.

by **akule76** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:34 am

You've got a lot of problems, many of which you're responsible for yourself.

Divorce won't get rid of your problems, but maybe it will help you face them without the excuse of your husband.

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