I can't forget the pain of my wife's extra activities back when we were dating?

[ealahweemah72]

Back when my wife and I were dating, there were several instances where she strayed outside our relationship. A couple of them were with her soon-to-be ex-husband, she fessed up to two times saying that she did it to make sure there marriage was dead. Another one she admitted to was a 'booty' call from a friend of a friend during one of our 'breaks' in our relationship and I was with a gal that she actually set up for me. Although finding out about these hurt me, I was able to forgive them. But I also know of at least two other very suspicious times that she strayed, one was with a maintenance man at her apartment complex, which was set up by one of her girlfriends who just couldn't stop talking about his incredible body. She asked me not to come around for a few days and that she would call me when she wanted to see me again. I overheard several pre-affair conversations and several other post-affair conversations about that night. All of which would abruptly stop when they girls realized I was within earshot. But the most painful of her strays was on a night she went out with one her her best girlfriends. This girlfriend was also recently divorced and was doing a lot, a whole lot of tramping around. Sometimes several times a night with several different men. I was working that night in a bar and they did stop by, although they didn't talk to me. They left, before I was able to get off work, to go to other bars. I was tired and had to work very early the next morning and not knowing where they were going I just had a beer and went home to get some sleep. Except I couldn't sleep because all I could think of is how this girlfriend acted in the bar scene and was scared that her, and some alcohol, could somehow coerce my girlfriend to have some fun, too.
Long story, short...I left for my job earlier than normal because I was so jealous, I decided I had to drive by her apartment to make sure she was at home. Her car was there, but I felt compelled to walk in to the building and past her door. As I entered her building, her apt. was a half a flight up stairs and visible from the door, a man walked out of her apartment. My heart ripped from me, I started to boil inside, wondering how she could do such a thing. He left the building, I decided to confront her. I went into the apartment and her girlfriend met me at the end of the entry. I asked her what the hell was going on, she said that her teenage kids were staying at her place so my girlfriend let her bring this guy over to her apt. They did their stuff in the livingroom. The bedroom door was closed and I asked her who was in there with my girlfriend as I started toward the bedroom. She insisted no one was with her, but was very insistant that I not open the door. I went into the bathroom as I was starting to feel a bit ill. Our birth control consisted on condoms for me and she was on the pill and used a diaphragm. While in the bathroom I checked her diaphragm case and found it empty. My heart sunk again realizing that there was only one reason the case would be empty, and thought again about going into the bedroom but as I opened the bathroom door her girlfriend met me and insisted that I leave literally pushing me toward the door. Which I did and went to work even though I was a total wreck. Her girlfriend was a 'class A' bullshitter and would lie on the drop of a pin. I could tell she was lying by her actions and what she said. Anyway, my girlfriend calls me at work later that morning, sounding very guilty and was fishing to see how angry I was, what I knew, etc. She denied having someone that night and basically mimicked the story her girlfriend. She invited me over when I was done working which I did and she tried to make me forget about the night before. We went on dating, getting engaged and marrying. That was over 22 years ago
I had pretty much buried this night until recently when we were back in that town for a friend's wedding. We did some driving around seeing everything that had changed over the years and drove by her old apartment complex. Several nights later I started having nightmares about her straying and this night in particular. I can still recall the extra jacket and shoes at her place, her missing diaphragm and the lies from both her and her girlfriend. This has dredged up all the old jealousy and anger issues I thought I had discarded years ago. We have talked about the nightmares, that they were about her being with others while she lived in that town. I haven't been specific with any of the identities. She has been very supportive and concerned. She has been faithful during our entire marriage not ever giving me any reason to think otherwise. But I need to get this one terrible night out of my head for good and I don't know how I can?
Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.

[gofraidh34]

I'm surprised you were able to marry someone that hurt you so badly.

You need to remember why you got married. Obviously something convinced you that all of that pain was worth while. You had to believe she was remorseful. You had to believe that she would stay faithful in marriage, and like you said she has. She has been faithful to you for 22 years, she has more than proven she loves you and only you. She has more than proven she didn't enjoy that lifestyle and prefers a life with you. She has more than proven she has grown, her priorities have changed, and she's not the party girl she once was.

People make mistakes when they're young. It sounded as if she was unhappy in her first marriage and had a lot of sexual energy to get out of her system around the time she was dating you. Its common for someone coming out of a divorce to make sure they aren't settling or making the same mistakes they made before. Its unfortunate that you got hurt during the process.

Talk to your wife about that night, ask her to be honest with you now if she hasn't been. If you feel its necessary, couples counseling can help tremendously. Communicating how you feel without holding back can be difficult but it has to be done sometimes in order for you to completely move on.

[favian]

you will probably never be able to forget the pain shes caused you as it seems to have hurt you so much but the best thing you can do is confront her about the night in question and tell her everything you think and feel, it probably wont do wonders for your relationship but you cant keep things bottled up or 1 day theyll all explode out at once! im not experienced in this sort of thing so i cant give a complete answer but i know what its like to be messed about and its not a nice feeling, 1 question though... why did you marry her if she cheated on you? because even once is one time too many.

[victorio83]

The reason there are still lingering thoughts in your head is because you have unresolved feelings. You have unresolved feelings because you have unanswered questions. You need to ask your wife everything that's on your mind. Whether she replies honestly or not, you have to use your best judgment and decide whether or not you choose to believe her. Overall, ask yourself this. If she had in fact been unfaithful to you with another man inside her apartment that night, would it matter today? Would it make a difference today? Would it change the last 22 beautiful years of marriage you've had? If your answer is no then I strongly suggest that you let this go. If you feel you need to seek professional help or go to your local church leader for advice then do so but please don't put this burden on your marriage, and don't make your wife pay for a mistake she may have made over 20 years ago. We were all young and dumb at one point in our lives. Your wife loves you and chose you! Best wishes to you!

[ruelle]

What a story. I know people on Yahoo answers are reluctant to read through and answer such long questions so...

I can see why it all came rushing back to you as you re-visited the area, it sounds like a really horrible experience. I think it will be extremely hard to forget that again but I think if you focus on having her now and not what she did in the past and it will blow over in a few weeks. It must have taken A LOT for you to move on all those years ago and forgive her and for how long you've been together I think you can survive what you're feeling at the moment. I think the best way to get it out of your head is to concentrate on the wonderful 22 years i imagine you've had together. It doesn't do you any good to think about her past since you've been able to move on - now that you've vented all of what you've been thinking it's best to look forward and not back. I can't tell you 'just don't think about it' because I know it's not that easy but I will say try to redirect your thoughts of that terrible night to more positive things about your relationship - to what beautiful thing you were able to pull from a nasty situation. I hope it will pass soon and you can soon move your thoughts on and get back to ordinary.. good luck with it all.