Is it common for a family to be uncomfortable with one person because their parent, not them, has done wrong?

[gwen]

My mother, a good person, hurt some family years back by backstabbing behind people's backs (they would find out) about an alcoholic father-in-law who later got better. The father-in-law, my grandfather, as well as my grandmother have been great to me and the grandfather lived 10 years clean before he died of a stroke 3 years ago. My aunts-uncles on that side of the family though have mixed feelings about me because I am the son of my mother. They don't hate me or anything but they are very uncomfortable when I invite myself to family events when all my cousins are welcome so their not adult-only events. Yet, I am not asked because I am the son of this woman who was mean to her in-laws and my Dad defended his wife and when a kid we were often alienated from that side of the family. It is a quiet family where feelings are not shared much at all, good or bad feelings, and so I cannot go to them to say "I am sorry my mother did this to you all". Also, my mother sometimes may have had legit concerns about us seeing someone intoxicated, though other times she was just using us to get back at her in-laws. After my grandfather died my father admitted some things my mother told me, he didn't know she had said them until I told him, were not even true even though there was alcoholism.
So are there ways that people would have ideas to show my independence from my mother to these family members so they know I am not on my mother's side. It is very hurtful to me when I am alienated from family events and at the same time it was hurtful when my mother alienated me as a kid from that side of the family as the grandfather I didn't know until I was 15 other then had been a little bit before age 7. After age 15 my grandfather meant the world to me and lived until I was 26 and I remain very close to my grandmother who we sometimes missed out on time with before I was 15 because of the alienation others were doing though she has been very close to me since age 15.
I am not looking so much for a blame here but to see if this is normal of "he is "so and so's" grown kid so I cannot trust him" or if this is rare. Also, how to reach out without being too nice. Right now I reach out alot, but sometimes too much where I am fixated on this half of the family and recently angered people when I showed up at a party that my grandmother had asked me to but those who set up the party (my 2 uncle's and their wives) had not.
The time of year this hurts me the most is Christmas. I end up having to just see the grandparents or do individual visits to accommodate the aunts-uncles need for the invited family only and to accommodate my mother's belief that her family and her parents are the ones we see and not her in-laws. I am in counseling for OCD and anxiety and the subject of Christmas and other family times has long been an OCD subject. I used to all it "being held back by Mom" but now I realize the fear is being alienated from either group, Mom alienating me from the family or the family alienating me because I am Mom's son.
Everyone is nice to each others faces but it is clear there is bad blood and my mother played a large role in the isolation when there was an alcoholic. Only occasion we are invited to is if my grandparents host something, usually only on 4th of July for fireworks.

[andor25]

family dynamics are always very complicated and things can become very bitter. its difficult if you end up in the middle of the whole sorry mess.

[artek57]

It happens a lot, and it's a disgrace.

Basically it put you in the bad position, to HAVE TO CHOOSE.

Now, before you choose realize 2 things.

1. Your Mom seems to be only guilty of something in the past, and hasn't done anything since, so I wouldn't classify her as 'holding you back', she's in the dog house, just like you are. She's just as stuck as you are.

2. Your Family has decided to beat up on you, by lack of another 'whippingboy' which is an absolute disgrace.
And should tell you something about their personality, which isn't good.

Now what to do with that info ..... CHOOSE YOU.

Seriously, all this stress obviously left it's mark, because the OCD, and Anxiety show that it's breaking you, you just can't take that pressure anymore.

So get active with it, if you think your family is reasonable, talk to some people in-charge, and explain how bad it makes you feel, that people are judging you, for something that happened a LONG time ago.
And how you'd really like your family to be one of FORGIVENESS, and POSITIVITY.

If it turns out, or if you don't think they're that reasonable, block 'em out, you don't need to seek out a posse that is so against you, that seems set to break your spirit, because of something you didn't do.

So talk to them if you think they're open to reason, if they're not, say goodbye, don't look back, there's plenty of positive, open-minded people that will love, and respect you, for who YOU are.

Don't keep doing the same thing over, and over again though, because I'm pretty sure, your mental issues are founded in taking the abuse from your family, and not being able to react to it.