Is it wrong to not go with my husband to sisters funeral?

[chason58]

because i blame his mother? My sister in laws body was found shot in the hand, leg and head last night. Her husband is on the run and is addicted to meth. I cant help but cry with anger as i type this. She started living with this guy in the first place to get away from her mother. Her mother is a narcissist and told her if she moved out shes NEVER allowed back and might as well go to a homeless shelter. She also told her she HATES her children because we wont let her control every aspect of our lives. Did i mention that this was his sisters SECOND husband? Her mother pressured her into marrying the first one at 18(who we all disapproved of) who turned out to be a rapist. I know its not about my feelings towards her right now but im the only one out of my SIL family that was there for her. Im the one working with police because i knew what was going on however as hard as i tried i couldn't get her to leave him. She told me if she could support herself she would have left. She refused to be a burden on me. Arent PARENTS suppose to be there for theyre kids no matter what? She wasnt welcomed really. They made her feel in the way to them. My fiances family has all turned against me for supporting her and truthfully i want to be there for my husband but im just not sure i can control my emotions right now or have the patience for them being rude to me. She wasnt my blood but i loved her too and it was ME who was there. The family doesnt know HALF the mean things her mother did and said to her and it breaks my heart to think she lost her life because she had nowhere to go. Nobody that made her feel loved anyway. Nobody should feel like that

[tupac]

You go to respect the dead not support the living.enough said. you cared for her. don't let anything else sway you

[urian27]

Yes, to not go for that reason would be wrong. You're going to comfort your husband for the loss of his sister. How she died is not germane at this point. Go for him; you don't have to show anything but politeness toward your mother-in-law.

[seager]

I'm sorry for the loss of your sister in law...

However -- The funeral isn't about you.... the situation isn't about you. Your husband might need you there to support him. You're an adult, and as such it's time to learn to control your emotions if he wants you by his side.

Perhaps ask your husband if he wants you with him. This is about supporting him in his time of loss,not about you or anyone outside of your husband.

I'm a bit confused as to why you are up in arms about his mother -- if she's a whack job it is about HER not you. It seems to me you're way involved with the issues/problems of others, and none of it belongs to you. If your sister in law didn't get along with her mother, that was between her and her mother.

If your sister in law didn't want to leave her husband, she didn't. There's nothing you can do about it. You can't control anyone but yourself.

Your sister in law had associations which were apparently unsafe for her on an emotional level. She chose to maintain those relationships, even so. It seems you loved her and cared, and she had you.. and i'd think your husband was supportive too?

This entire situation is sad and it sounds like there is a lot of mental illness in your extended family. I'm sorry for that.

[hewlett]

You go to the funeral to support your husband. Blaming her mother for something that she did not do (she did not shoot this woman).

Don't blame her mother for this situation. She is not to blame. Your SIL was an adult. Your SIL chose not to become a grownup-instead relying on unworthy men to care for her. There are thousands of women out there who are hated by their parents and thrown out the day they turn 18 or graduate from high school. Most go on to make wonderful lives despite their beginnings. She chose not to.

It's amazing. This woman died and this whole thing is all about you and how you feel? I can't see you as being supportive to your husband with your attitude. Don't let this become a wrench in your own marriage.

[gervaso81]

Do you want to look back and remember how you missed her funeral? Do you want to miss your chance to say goodbye?

Don't let those who weren't there for her in life prevent you from being there for her in death. If nothing else, it gives too much control.

A funeral is not the place for controlling emotions. Emotions will be high, that's just how it is.

Yes, your in laws were wrong. They may wish they could turn back time. Coulda woulda shoulda.... nothing can be done about it now. Now, it's time to begin the painful process of moving on.

[francisco]

Amanda, go for the memory of someone you cared about. GO to support your husband. Go for ALL the rite reasons you know in your heart you truly should go for. I believe if you don't in yrs. to come when it's too late you'll regret it. IF you want, just look at you M-I-L with pure pitty in your eyes. That will "speak" all you'd need to say for her. Regardless, she WILL feel guilt for all she's done, she WILL pay for her wrong doings. You go out of pure respect you KNOW in your heart you should be doing & feel better for it. Think about it in all seriousness & I KNOW you'll do the rite thing...the best to you, honey...:)

[gervaso81]

it is normal to try to blame someone tangible for the death of a loved one. I'm sorry your friend is dead.

Adult women who have had two husbands and have been out of their parents' home for years are responsible for themselves. It is not her mother's fault that your sister-in-law married a meth addict who killed her. She chose her associates. She chose to have children. She made her own choices. Which is the right thing for adults to do. It is not her fault she is dead. It is not her mother or anyone in her family's fault either.

They are all also grieving. In your need to make sense of this... please try to understand that your friend's death is not any one's fault except the person who pulled the trigger. Her death is no one else's fault. Only the murderer is guilty.

Please seek grief counseling. You're current line of thought will hurt you, your marriage, her children and the entire family. The person to blame is the man who killed her. No one else.