Is this a good paragraph?

[bronsin]

I wrote an opinion on this article:

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/edmonton/story/2010/12/15/edmonton-legal-bus-crash-charge.html
-----------------------

MY OPINION PARAGRAPH:

I feel sympathy for the two young children injured at the cost of a mans carelessness. School bus drivers should be screened more and more safety precautions should be met in order to prevent accidents like that happening ever again. I do agree that this is not an age issue though. The issue here is the driver, and that they're often not in control of the bus, or neglect traffic laws. Obeying traffic laws and insuring the safety of the children aboard is the drivers responsibility. People over 70 that have good health and insure the safety of the children, are capable of driving buses. Obeying traffic laws is a driver's responsibility, and endangering kids should be the end of job.

------------------

[cleirach70]

I think it's really good!
You stated a couple of opinions and supported them. Well done. Interesting article by the way.

[avikar76]

The first thing I've noticed is your verbs: try to use good language, eliminating linking and "be" verbs (am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been) as much as you can. While not informal in casual talk, be verbs are considered taboo upon literary experts. It's only 8 verbs to avoid, so eliminating them should be no sweat! Hope this helps :)

[wal49]

You have some minor errors and things that i shall fix. All my comments will be in [brackets] (:
I feel sympathy for the two young children injured at the cost of a mans carelessness[awkward sentence to start out. Try something like, "I feel complete sympathy for the two children who lost their lives due to a mans wreck less driving]. School bus drivers should be screened more and more[more and more unnecessary, just need one more] safety precautions should be met in order to prevent accidents like that happening ever again[say, "...safety precautions should be met in order to prevent such accidents, like the one in the article, from ever happening again]. I do agree that this is not an age issue though. The issue here is the driver, and that they're often not in control of the bus, or neglect traffic laws. Obeying traffic laws and insuring the safety of the children aboard is the drivers responsibility. People over 70 that have good health and insure the safety of the children, are capable of driving buses. Obeying traffic laws is a driver's responsibility, and endangering kids should be the end of job.[your second half of the last sentence doesn't quite fit. try something like "Obeying traffic laws is a driver's responsibility, endangering kids is not an option.] hope i helped!

[ludano17]

Overall, the paragraph is good.
However, there are a few spelling and punctuation mistakes to take care of.
Proof reading is key.
Check your commas, lack thereof, apostrophes, etc.
Good job and good luck!

[orlondo100]

As it stands now..it is lacking a little background detail. Like...Describe the incident briefly, and state that it resulted in the injuries (add if they were life-threatening if applicable) of two young children. Give their names and ages if you know them. Then state your opinion (I believe that the driver of the bus was at least partially responsible for the tragedy due to (his or her) carelessness. I question if he was screened properly to operate a school bus safely. I do not believe his age ( state his age or approximate age here) was a factor in the crash; I think people over the age of (---) are fully capable of operating a bus safely. It is my opinion that he loss control of the vehicle. Control of the vehicle was his number one priority,as well as to obey all traffic laws, and he failed to do so, in my opinion.
(what traffic law(s) do you think he failed to follow?) It is the driver's responsibility to operate his vehicle, obey all traffic laws, and have his vehicle under control at all times. Two children paid a big price in this accident, and I hope that people have learned from this.

I am not sure he lost control of the vehicle though...he disobeyed a yield sign and put the bus in the path of another car). Losing control would be like swerving to avoid hitting that car but crashing into something else.
But you could certainly put it in the end paragraph where you state a driver's responsibilities.
You wrote a good opinion!

[roche]

I wrote an opinion on this article:

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/edmonton/story/2010/12/15/edmonton-legal-bus-crash-charge.html
-----------------------

MY OPINION PARAGRAPH:

I feel sympathy for the two young children injured at the cost of a mans carelessness. School bus drivers should be screened more and more safety precautions should be met in order to prevent accidents like that happening ever again. I do agree that this is not an age issue though. The issue here is the driver, and that they're often not in control of the bus, or neglect traffic laws. Obeying traffic laws and insuring the safety of the children aboard is the drivers responsibility. People over 70 that have good health and insure the safety of the children, are capable of driving buses. Obeying traffic laws is a driver's responsibility, and endangering kids should be the end of job.

------------------