My daughter does not want to see her mother..?

[bing49]

Long story short the mother of my child Stephanie abandoned her and left her with her step dad and moved to South Africa. My daughter then came to stay with me as this is what she always wanted. My daughter is 11 year old and understands what is going on. Her mum returned home unexpected 3 weeks ago. 2 days after she had been home she sent me a text asking to see Stephanie. I spoke with Stephanie to see if she wanted to see her mum or not. She decided that she did want to see her as she had questions she wanted answered from her. I arranged to take Stephanie to see her mum at a local restaurant. She spent and hour with her and then she came back out to me to return home. She said she was not sure if she wanted to see her again as she felt she was still lying to her. I told her to think about it and she didn't need to make a decision straight away as it was a big decision. She thought about it for two days and I spoke with her and asked her if she wanted to see her again. Stephanie and her alone decided that she did not want to see her any more as she felt that she did not need her in her life as even when she was in her life she never done anything with her apart from continue lie to her and break promises.
3 days after she had seen Stephanie she texted asking to see her again. I texted back and said that Stephanie does not want to see her any further as she does not want hurt and lied to anymore. I never received no further text.
I have since received a letter from her lawyer saying to start contact again or go and see I lawyer.
Now my questions are these
1) Can my daughter be made to see someone that she does not want to and who has been out her life and abandoned her for a whole year.
2) Should she be getting legal aid to fight me through court. I can not afford to go to court as it cost me £16000 the last time when stephanie was only a baby and that was just to get parental rights.

Now I know a lot of people will say that at the end of the day she's still her mother but thats not the case. She left her and moved to South Africa and did not even bother about her for the full year that she was away.
I only want what is best for my daughter and that means her not getting lied to and hurt any longer. Stephanie has come on leaps and bounds since she has moved in with us and is loving her life here. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading..

[curadhan74]

Who has actual legal custody of this girl? I know you say she lives with you but did custody change hands? It matters.

She is certainly entitled to pursue visitation, she has rights. If this child was truly abandoned (which is open to interpretation) the court will consider the reason for that abandonment and the likelihood of a recurrence when making a decision on visitation. The court might also consider what Stephanie wants, although at 11 the entire decision won't rest with her.

Get a lawyer. Yes, it's expensive.

[favian]

Even if you have sole custody, the non-custodial parent has rights to see the child. The only way to waive those rights is to go to court if the non-custodial parent wants to see the child. And unless the mom physically abused your daughter, you won't get those rights waived. If you refuse to let the mom see the child, you could face charges. You would be better off talking to your daughter and making her see that it is in everyone's best interest she see her mom. It doesn't have to be a long period of time. As long as it looks like you are not impeding the mom's desire to see her daughter, you'd be better off. I know that's not the answer you are seeking, but it's the legal one.

Research the law in your state or country and see what the age of your daughter should be to make the decision to no longer see her mom. I think here it is 13. Even so, if the mom continues to push it, you could still end up in court.

[barend31]

Go apply for custody asap, visitation is also set up through that.Your daughter is just about old enough to make her own decisions. In NY, the child is assigned a 'law guardian' whom speaks on behalf of the child at court. I don't know your state laws etc, I would do some research. You will need to go to court...

[leland]

No-one can force your daughter into seeing her, she is old enough to make up her own mind and the courts will respect her choices. Even if they could rule that there be visitation rights, what are they going to do, bring some burly men round to your house to drag your daughter out to see her mother?! She can simply say no, and as long as those involved (the courts and the lawyers) know that this is her choice and not you speaking for her, then they will accept it.

I think the only problem here is that it's you that has spoken and not her - so I think you should first contact the CAB to see if you need legal representation, but then contact this lawyer and say that you are more than happy to co-operate and discuss it, you are not trying to hinder anything but are simply passing on your daughter's wishes. Then ask exactly what you need to do to make sure her voice is heard - do you need this lawyer to do a home visit so he can speak to her himself and get her to confirm that this is her informed choice? Or maybe you need to wait until the court process has begun and she can write a letter to the courts? When these things go to court the mother is usually favoured (but only because they are less likely to be the ones who buggar off to south Africa and leave their child behind!) but the aim is to do what is best for the child, which means that even if the two parents hate each other and you think her mother is an evil *****, if it is better to have her in your daughter's life then the courts will award visitation rights. So with her decision it means that her life will not be improved with her mother in it and so it will harm her welfare.

I've been in this situation myself with my parents, and I know that as long as you fully co-operate with the lawyers and the courts, they will never be able to say that you are trying to poison your daughter's mind. You should be the one who encourages them to speak her rather than hiding her away - although you want to protect her it might look as though you are manipulating her. Don't be pushed into arguments, however tempting, and always emphasise that this is her choice, not yours. You shouldn't need to spend any money on legal help as, like I said, on the off chance they award visitation, your daughter is old enough to not be forced into anything, so don't worry.

[therron57]

Personally, I think Stephanie is old enough to decide for herself. The courts will certainly take her opinion into account.
My father abandoned me as a baby and left my grandmother to raise me. He showed up with his mother one day when I was four like, "Ok, we are here to pick her up." And my grandmother was incredulous. "Do you think I've been babysitting for the past 4 years?"
I absolutely did NOT want to visit with him. But the court forced me to visit every other weekend. I hated it. On the second visit I was mauled by his dog. I had to have 16 stitches and 3 plastic surgeries. I still have the scar. Even after that traumatic ordeal I was still forced to visit him, but my dad had to put the dog in the kennel while I was there.
For some reason, the system really favors biological parents. It sucks, but it's the truth. Eventually my dad lost interest in seeing me. He wrote me a letter when I was 6 saying not to visit anymore & that he didn't want to be a father. I tried phoning him numerous times over the years, but he refused to come to the phone. Maybe Stephanie's mom will leave her alone eventually too [though hopefully not in that way as it was very hurtful].
Best thing you can do is be proactive. Try to get sole custody & state how her mother is unfit and abandoned her for all that time. Make sure the judge hears from Stephanie too. They may take her opinion into account more than mine since she is older.