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[bernie]

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I'm in the process of planning a wedding, and I know that family relations all over the place tend to get strained. I am probably way too open when I'm annoyed with people and I tend to clear the air right away, but I can see a lot of people letting these small annoyances build up until they resent the other person. That sounds like it could be the case here. Honestly, the first thing I'd do is have a private chat with a third party who can be objective. If it's your son, great, otherwise pick someone you trust who knows both you and your daughter in law very well. Does this person witness the conflict between the two of you, and do they - honestly - see any behavior on your end that could be improved? I mean sure, from your description your daughter in law is severely misconstruing your intents; why is this happening? What is she reading into your actions and is there anything you can do to clarify your feelings and intentions? Are you over there too often? Do you often give unsolicited advice? Do you get along with her family? Etc. After that, if you think she'd be receptive, I'd suggest a one-on-one girls' day with you and your daughter in law. Pick something that she likes to do and feels comfortable with, be it brunch, a spa day, shopping, whatever. Tell her straight up how much you love her, how glad you are that she's in your life, and how you'd like her to know that she can come to you with any concerns, even if they're about your relationship with each other. See if you can talk it out - or at least get some insight into why she feels this way. At the very least, you can point out that you'd prefer if your grandson treat you - his grandmother - with the respect you deserve. It's not going to be an overnight change, but opening paths of communication is a great start. And unfortunately she just might have a conflicting personality, in which case you'll have to let it go and try to spend as much quality time as possible with your son and grandson, and try to be cordial with your daughter in law. Good luck!

[Mayo]

There is something very strange and mysterious about the relationships between in-laws. I have decided that it just isn't meant to be. It seems to me that we are perceived as threats to the spouses. Even intruders into their little kingdoms. Maybe because they know how much we love our children and they feel the love can't be shared or that there is only one kind of love. It also seems that they know we see where they are short-changing the spouse and are afraid we will make our child aware of it. That would be a threat. It is hard to swallow, especially when it affects the relationship with the grandchildren. In my opinion, all you can do is suck it up and bear the pain, because it won't change. And it will keep on hurting. Keep trying with your grandson and just let him be for now. He doesn't know what he is saying. As he gets older he will learn to appreciate you on his own. When I go see mine I always take them a little gift, like a book, maybe a pinwheel or a musical toy or something I saw that I think they would like; just so they look forward to my coming. I know it's a bribe, but they don't. It builds a bond between us. By the way, inscribe the book so when they get older they can look back and see how long you have been "loving" them.

[Werner]

Thank you, Pattiann! That makes me feel like maybe there is some hope going forward! I'm so glad to hear that you feel more welcome in their home - I hope your little grandson is getting to know and love you. It is bewildering to me that there is this lack of respect and family feeling with these young women - like you, I have tried so hard to show her how I welcome her and how happy I am that my son is gaining the family he has wanted for such a long time. There should be joy enough for both sides of the family. And no, I don't take those responses about blame to heart at all - I know I didn't do anything to deserve this and I believe you when you say you haven't either. Sometimes there are reasons I guess we don't understand - somehow we're perceived as a threat? Good luck to you and I'll pray for both of us as well.(Where are you from? U.K. or Canada maybe? "Responce vs Response"! :) Thank you again!   Gmashoefly 30 months ago

[orson19]

I wish I had some answers for you - I'm in a very similar situation. Before I was in this situation I would have said that it always takes two - that there are always two sides to the story - but now I think that's not necessarily true. I was thrilled when my son got engaged and thought I was really good friends with his girlfriend. I truly loved her. But as soon as they were engaged, it was as if someone flipped a switch. I wasn't allowed to have anything to do with the wedding - I was told she didn't want the shower I was planning from our side. At the wedding our family's table was put far in the rear of the banquet hall while hers was all up front. Every holiday is now spent with her family. My other child, my daughter, lives out of town so I'm not always able to spend holidays with her and her family. My son lives close by but this last year I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Mother's Day and Easter alone. They have a new house and entertain her family frequently - none of my family has ever been invited even to see the house in the eight months they've had it. I've beaten myself up frequently wondering what in the world I did - I thought my son and I were close but have a hard time understanding why he could let this go on. I know he loves her very much and I know she made several comments after they were engaged about making my son "choose" between us. Somehow that seemed to be important to her. I love my son and if that's what it takes for him to be happy, then so be it. But my heart is pretty much broken. They are expecting their first baby in a few months - I know I won't be able to be much of a part of his or her life. All I can do is be here and love them anyway.Good luck to everyone in a similar situation. And all I can say is if you have examined your actions and motives and you truly know you've done nothing to cause the friction you find yourself in, then just let go and don't make it worse by beating yourself up as well.   Gmashoefly 30 months ago