My MIL literally called me a bad mother for not breastfeeding... What to do?

by **adamka** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 3:31 pm

My first baby is 3 months and we feed him Simlac formula which works well for us. I don't want to breastfeed, which is my choice. But my mother in law always gets all tight-lipped when I bottle feed around her, which I have always just dealt with to not start problems. It's also a fact that she doesn't like me very much and I think she thinks I am not good enough for her son... HOWEVER, last night she was at our house, and she really crossed the line. I was prepping his bottle and realized we were running out of formula, so I passed off the baby to my husband to feed and said I'd just run to the store, which is very close to our house. My MIL asked why I needed to go to the store, and I told her we were out of formula... well, she was all over me like a rash. She said something along the lines of "If you breast-fed your son like you're supposed to you wouldn't need to be going anywhere!" to which I said "It's our choice what we feed our son, he's healthy and that's what matters." And THEN she said "I always knew you'd be a bad mother." I could NOT believe it, I just stood there holding my purse like a dummy. But it seemed like she'd been looking for a reason to snipe at me all night. And then she got both a little embarrassed and angry at the same time so she and her husband, who looked like he wanted the ground to open up, went home. My husband did tell his mom he thought she was crossing the line, and they had some hushed words I couldn't hear, so I took the baby upstairs to be fed and so I could have a bit of a cry in peace.

Anyway, my question is, what the heck do I do about her? I obviously want us to be a family and for my son to have two sets of loving grandparents... But I also don't particularly want to see her again or invite her over. My husband is trying stand up for me while not hating on his mom, which I understand, but I wish he would have stood up for me more. I think she was so rude to call me a bad mother. I LOVE our son, and he is a very healthy happy little baby. If there's one thing he gets too much of, it's love... So I was VERY hurt by my MIL's accusations. This is so frustrating! Do I try to move on and be civil to her or cut her out for my own sanity?

by **baigh75** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 3:41 pm

Tell her to shove it. You'll be doing this a lot over the next few decades ... until she kicks the bucket at least.

by **ring** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 3:55 pm

Tell her to shove it. You'll be doing this a lot over the next few decades ... until she kicks the bucket at least.

Cut off ties with her.

by **choviohoya** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:00 pm

I would not invite your MIL over again, at least until she apologizes. I support breastfeeding, but choosing to use formula does not make you a bad mother. If she asks about it, tell her that you see no reason to invite someone who insults you in your own home. At least you have manners. Apparently, she does not.

If she does not apologize, if you take the baby over to their house for a visit, limit your visit to an hour or so at best. If they ask why you are leaving so quickly, simply say that you are going to go feed the baby. Don't overlook this. I'm sure there are other things that you do that are different than what she does and making a point of this will get it across her foolish mind.

by **said99** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:01 pm

I would confront her...if this is ongoing nothing is going to change until whatever problem it is she has with you gets into the air and either gets resolved or makes it where she cant come around anymore cause like you said you have never felt like she likes you.... Your husband needs to stand up for you too. Yes this is his mother but you are his wife and that is his child and no one should be putting you down for how you feed or anything else....

I commend you for not smacking her upside her head!!

If she cant be courteous in your home i would tell her she isnt welcome..

by **achimelech51** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:06 pm

I applaud you for not attacking her verbally or physically cause I lose my cool if anyone even hunches that im not being the best parent I can be . Obviously she is very strong opinion about breastfeeding being the healthiest and most natural things for your son which is true but choosing to formula instead doesn't make you a less caring mother. I breast fed my first born but it was so hard to wein her it took two yrs that with my second im doing a a lil of everything so don't feel bad . I agree that all you want is a safe and loving home and family for your son right there that tells you that your a good mom if your worried about being one. your mother in law crossed the line and I don't blame you for never wanting to see her again and punishing her by not letting her see her grandson but that will only give her more fuel to use against you. I would talk to your husband about how u feel about his mother talking to you like thay and set ground rules that she must follow if she is to ever cone over again.

by **parnell** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:12 pm

U cut ties with her to an extent... U tell her as long as you and your husband feel good and agree on.the.decisions u make its noone else's problem. As much as u would like to cut her out of ur life forever it is not possible. U have to remember this is your husbands mother and u dont want to put him in a tough situation....however that does not mean u take her insults. U speak up.and tell her u.dont question the way she brought up her son so she has no right to question what u do with YOUR son. Say "you have already raised your kids, u were a.new parent once too and u learned how do it.... Now its my turn to raise my kids and to learn. Your advice is appreciated as u are wiser and have experienced this but u cant expect me to be insulted and keep quiet. I dont want problems with u because i dont want to put (ur husbands name) in a bad possition. U are his mother and I want u in our life as our baby's grandmother...but I dont mess with ur parenting skills please dont judge mine. im talking to u now and making things clear so it wont happen again because next time it can turn into a bigger problem and like I said I dont want ( husbands name) to feel he needs to choose between,us because its not right. But if it comes to the point that it is necessary so be it and the only one who will suffer is him"

by **pascoe69** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:15 pm

Your husband should have defended your choice to formula feed his son. Sorry, but he needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother!

by **giulio** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:16 pm

Tell her your a mother not martyr. If she can't accept that she don't need to be in your life. Tell your husband to grow a pair.

by **treasigh** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:23 pm

Ugh, I can't stand meddling inlaws. My MIL isn't bad about parenting issues, but she's irritating in other ways. So I'm sorry.
That being said, this is your baby you are mothering. Who cares how you feed him as long as he is being fed, nurtured, loved. I would have a serious talk with your husband about how she is being rude and disrespectful to you, the mother of her grandchild. He can say something to her and she will *hopefully* shape up.

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