So depressed..when will it end? Anyone with lots of life experience please respond?

[cuartio52]

My whole life has been a roller coaster. my mom was addicted to drugs but now rarely does it. My dad n me never close. I went crazy n suicidal when I was 12 but thankfully met some great girlfriends but we did a lot of drugs together. I lost one of them when she met her man because he never liked me so we arent close at all anymore. I said hi and wished her the best on facebook, she did the same. My other bestfriend helped me through my suicidde of my first love. I was only 16 and her dad did it so she helped me. We were so close, all of us. Til I met this a$$hole when I was 17 and was with him for almost 2 yrs on and off letting him mentally and physically abuse me which I never let anyone do in my life. NEVER. My first love cheated on me a lot before he died but i looke dpast it cuz I realized he jus wanted to have fun before leaving this world. The second guy though I gave my heart too and he literally stomped on it and now I am an angry person. I hate everyone. I don't mean to but everytime I loook at someone I find someone wrong with them. I used to see beauty in anything, I had the biggest heart and smile and was no f*cking happy. Until I took all the mental n physical beatings from my x. I left him and put him in jail 2 yrs ago on Christmas. I hate him. He just seems happy. He has friends. Now my x bestfriends dont really like me anymore because I took out my hatred on them from my x and got mad at them a lot. But I said sorry so many times and one of them became my friend again over a month ago. I was so happy. Until she starts playing games and acting weird and pretty much rubbing it in my face that shes so close with my other x bestfriend and whatever and ignoring my calls and acting fake. I decided today to delete her from facebook and not be her friend because it isn't the same and she just seems to really not see me as the same person. but nor do I, but I am trying to make myself happy so hard but I cant. I miss my closeness and my beauty and positiveness, I feel like my x broke it and ruined me.

I tried counselling, I tried looking at the good things in my life. YAY.. I am in college, wow great. I still have no friends and no closeness to people like I used to. I would rather b working at the gas station with good friends rather than working in law wasting my life just to make a lot of monney. I hate money I think it is evil and I feel like as long as I can support myself and have good friends that all that matters. But I decided the go to school to ground myself and to do something to be proud of myself since I made so manystupid choices in the past. I am not proud though I hate the person I have become because I dont see people or myself as people anymore I have turned so negative. I turn to God I pray every night but this world is so corrupt. Everyday I walk around and all I see is barbie dolls. I feel so out of place and like an outkast. Atleast before I had good friends but I messed it up by choosing a woman beater over them at one point in time. I thought that if they were really true friends they would understand but I guess I am the one that is a bad person and screwed everything up, or else they would still want to be my friend. I am so sad. I dont see the point in living anymore. I dont c the fun or love in working for my whole life. I alreay experienced intense love and relationships, as well as so much fun when I was younger. I feel like I am well beyond my time and am just sitting here waiting for a change but its really not happening.

Any thoughts..

Thanks.

[gillian59]

Holy Crap girl..you have been through a lot. This may sound weird right now but that is almost a positive. After going through all this hell, your still here aren't you? You have made it. You can start listing all the cliche's.."what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", "You have to go through hell before you get to heaven". whatever you choose, but realize you have to begin liking yourself before you can be truly happy and love the one your with. It is a long road sweetheart, it really is. I have been on it too for a long time...trust me...it gets better. You have to believe it.