Wedding location advice?

[gedalyahu]

Back story: My fiance moved here to go to school but his home town is 3 states away (12 hr drive). He moved back home because he couldn't find a job here. 8 months later he transferred within his company to move back here so we could be together. The agreement was that since he moved back here, we'd move back to his home town after I've finished college.
I've really been thinking about a destination wedding because I've just recently been in 2 weddings within 4 months time (the planning and little details turn me off) and I love the all inclusive deals destination weddings have to offer (since I'm in school and work full time) and because of expense! I've dreamt of my wedding and what it would be like since I was a little girl and it was a wedding at home. We talked to my father about a budget, apparently money isn't an issue and he told me not to make my decision on location based on expense. So I'm thinking if hiring a wedding planner is an option, then I'd like to have a wedding at home. BUT the thing is my fiance doesn't want to get married here; this isn't his home town, he doesn't really like this city, and none of his family is here and regardless of where the location is, very few of his family and friends could make it because of the travel expense. My family in the area consists of my mother, father, step-mother and her family, and my mother's parents. My mother's parents are extremely important to me and it would make me very very happy if they were there.. but they are sick and I just don't know where they would be health wise in a year and if they could attend. We've thought of having a luncheon after the wedding for those that can't make it but that's extra expense.. why not just have the wedding at home?
I am going to marry this man and I love him to death. I don't want to make him do something he doesn't want to do. I don't think that's fair. He doesn't think it's fair to make his family travel for a wedding and mine don't (except all my aunts/uncles and cousins are traveling out of state). So destination wedding is another compromise. I would like to have a wedding at home but I would also be okay with a destination. I've asked for my mother's advice and her response was "Sorry weddings are about the bride!!" and I've asked for my soon to be sis-n-law advice and she agreed with her brother.. and my co-worker agrees with my mother and asked me to tell my fiance to stop pretending to be the girl. I need a third party opinion! Do I do what I really want to do or do I start compromising?

[crom]

Any advice you're getting that this is all about the bride is horrible advice, even coming from your mom. Sure, the bride generally does most of the basic planning, but major decisions like when and where should be made by you and your fiance together.

However, your fiance needs to understand something. If your Dad is paying for all of it, then he's the host, and this technically gives him more say than anyone, including your fiance. So, while you want to find a compromise, the person who needs to agree with any plans you make is the one paying for all this.

Personally, I'd do it at home and find a way to help his immediate family with plane tickets. That's what I did for my destination wedding. But we paid ourselves so my fiance got equal say.

[chiram97]

Tradition and etiquette is that the bride and her family[if they are helping with or dealing with all the finances] pick the site, and plan the wedding. In that respect, your Mother is right, weddings are about the bride. See, in the past, the bride's family paid for everything. And the bride married straight out of her parent's house.
All the trouble and confusion started when couples started living together before the wedding, parents stopped paying for things, and couples started paying.

And someone decided along the way that the groom should get an equal say in the planning. Even if the groom does not have a clue how to plan a wedding. Even if the groom wants to tromp all over the rules and traditions and etiquette concerning a wedding to get what he wants. And I'm not saying your groom is guilty, just saying that usually, all the groom wants is a big beer bust reception, and the bride to wear a very revealing gown. Give him those two things, and peace might possibly be yours.

And I would think that your family would get some extra consideration, since their travel is restricted.

In your case, I think eloping, or having a destination wedding might be the thing. If you wish, invite whoever you want to the elopement/destination.
Another compromise is to make the wedding half way in between the two cities, and everybody travels.
Some people have two weddings and receptions to accommodate the two families. Rivers thinks that is just ridiculous to spend all that money twice.

It sounds like the families are already at war over this, the groom's sister should know better about the etiquette, and where is his Mom in all of this?

If you can't find a compromise, then it would be sad, because it sounds like if he does not get his way, it is a deal breaker for a marriage.

If it were Rivers, I would put my foot down, quote etiquette, have my parents put up some money for the wedding[sounds like they are already going to host the wedding at their house] have the wedding where I wanted to, and if it is a deal breaker on the marriage, so be it. Better I find out a year before the wedding, than a year after.