Would you read this book based on my description?

[ammi]

I know I've asked this already, but I didn't get many answers. It took me a long time to think of this so thoughts are much appreciated.

In the country called Bethany, there are four cities. The king rules over them all, and the king's four brothers each have a district that they lord over. The smallest city is home to the youngest brother, who is yet to be named. He married a 'native' woman, Cariss -- natives were the original people to inhabit the land, they used to practice things that are now considered witch craft.-- Cariss had two children with her husband, the oldest a boy, and then a few years later, a girl, Alberta, which is where the story begins. Alberta is 13 at the time the story begins, and feels out of place in the city, which she figures is due to her native blood. She longs for adventure, but shoves away the feelings and pretends that she is perfectly happy. Eventually, she starts to believe that, too. Until the day when she overhears two older teenagers talking about a revolution. She confronts them, and they decide that she isn't safe to leave running about with that information, so they offer that she could come with them. She agrees (her immaturity is her downfall)

The revolution is based out of an old boarding school in another city's farmlands, and is focused on teenagers and children, trying to get them to use their minds instead of just doing as they are told. Renaldo, the leader of the revolution, hopes that they will eventually dethrone the king, but in a peaceful way. Unfortunately, Renaldo is becoming more than a little stir crazy living in that old boarding school, housing stray children and runaways, and never seeing other adults. He does what I think many people would do, and begins to fancy 19 year old Bernadette. She is urged by the others to appease him, so that he can stay better focused on leading them. So, Bernadette becomes Renaldo's personal lover, and, understandably, grows more and more unstable as the months and years go by.

Unbeknownst to any character, except for Cariss, the king isn't the one making oppressive laws. Something is controlling him, and is posing as his daughter. The thing, which remains unnamed, consumes the souls of people who are chosen at birth, but only after they are 'done.' The thing can appear any age it wants to, despite being immortal, as long as it has souls. At the time, the thing is called Jinny, and is pretending to be the princess. Cariss knows that Jinny's next victim is Alberta, and has put a protective charm around her daughter. But the charm is only effective while Alberta remains in her city. So as soon as Alberta leaves to join the revolution, Jinny can finally get to her, and does. She pretends to be just another run away, and 'joins' the revolution as well.

The king, hearing about the revolution, calls some of the members to court to discuss their grievances. Jinny sees this as her chance, and causes the guards and other members of the court to go mad, and begin attacking each other. Marco, one of the minor characters who is part of the revolution, is killed. Bernadette, having loved Marco even through her time with Renaldo, is heartbroken. Just as Jinny is about to take in Alberta's soul, Bernadette steps in and begs to be taken instead, to save her from the terrible things she has been forced to live with with Renaldo. Thus, The thing is appeased, Alberta returns home to her family, and Bernadette lives on within what used to be Jinny.

Obviously it will be written better. Thanks.

[muata2]

I must say this a well thought of plot. I enjoyed reading, I would definitely read this if it were to be a book. Also, the plot is great, I haven't seen something unique as this, and is a potential story. You have a interesting hook and you obviously did a lot of research on the background of the book, bravo! :) The summary is great ( I know its not you actual summary like on the back of the book summart, just to show what its about in general) it wasn't bouncy and choppy. Great job in catching the public eye.

There is a site called Figment (Once was called Inkpop, but they switched over and united with Figment) where writers like you can post this and ask what writers think, they can comment, like it and follow it to where it shows up in the Libary for all the members can easily view it, its already going to be easily viewed if you introduce yourself on the Forums, and you can have followers following you (Basically your friends) yeah, well its a way to get noticed as a writer.

Anyway being there, people can help you out alot. Also, your work is safe from being Copywrited and being stolen. Its safe to know that your idea is safely viewed for the public.

Obviously, there isn't anything to critique on this because its not the actual, so if you were to sign up for Figment, and post the actual book on there, people can critique what they like of your speech in the book and and the plot.

So awesome job, its totaly a keeper and I would watch out for this when there is more! XD