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[siwili]

No matter what I say my children want me to tell them all the details of my divorce. If not they stay mad at me. It has been several years, And a lot of people think they will eventually figure it out for themselves. That is not the case. I have gone to my lawyer. I have talked to the kids and told them it wasn't their fault. I have explained that some things are adult business. But almost daily I am accused of numerous accusations from my ex ( via our kids). No offense to anyone but I only want suggestions not metaphors. I have taken the kids to several therapists. I have taken several parenting classes for suggestions. Including a co parenting class. All of which insinuate not to tell the kids the details of the divorce. I have seen a therapists for ideas. Please don't suggest an of these things. I would really appreciate some helpful suggestions. No rude comments please. Thank you.

[adelphos]

Since it has been several years, time to put your foot down. You say they want details and stop talking to you when they don't get them? That is them manipulating you to get their way. Tell them that there will no details given and why. Make the expectations VERY clear. Then, if they cross the line or get mad because they don't get the info, start taking away privileges. First, time no tv for a day, etc. Soon they will learn. Because right now they have control of the situation and they shouldn't, you should.

[curney13]

You should tell them that it is a very difficult time for you right now to discuss all the details of the divorce and that you dont want to hurt them anymore than it already has. Tell them that you will discuss details when they are older or when you feel that they will be able to handle it.They may look at you like the bad guy now but the kids always figure out the truth eventually. Trust me they know more than what we think they know.

[treasigh]

You say you've gone elsewhere to get an answer and they all say not to tell the kids. Deep down I think you want to tell them because you know it's what they want but you won't do it until someone tells you they think it'd be a good idea. I'd suggest telling them because you don't seem to want to accept someones telling you not too. Just seems like you need someone to tell you it's ok. Swear I'm not trying to be rude. Good luck.

[ryscford]

You aren't really giving enough information to give much advice. Obviously, it is best not to share too much detail with your children...Unless it is information they need to know in order to be safe.

Poor kids. They always suffer because of their parents inability to work out their problems.
Just give them lost of love instead of information. Tell them that some day when they are much older, you'll tell them the basics.

It is their family, I understand their desire to know.

[pannoowau]

Instead of giving them details, you should ask them what do you want to know specifically - and just answer the question. They have to be specific in the question if they want an answer.

[thom]

It sounds like you are doing the right things. I would not succumb to the emotional blackmail of my kids (I am the mother of teens). They may not truly realize what they are doing (not sure how old they are?).

They can be mad all they want, but you do what you know is right. If your ex is saying bad things he is acting in a horrible, horrible manner and is not considering the damage he is inflicting on his own children. That will catch up to him and bite him in the rear and unfortunately does hurt the kids (I am sorry about that).

I have a friend who divorced about 4 years ago (and they were separated for a year before that) and her ex said horrible things about her. She acted as you are acting and I spent hours on the phone with her lending my support.

Currently - her children have figured things out and have almost zero contact with their father. She and the kids are close now (they are ages 19, 17, 14). But it did take a LONG while.

BTW - She never said a bad thing about him to the kids. She did let them figure it our for themselves and they did as they got older. It took awhile. Your kids are young and they will figure it out eventually. You can't actually make this any better other than being there for them and being their parent. Telling them will not help - be there for them and let them talk when needed.

[calvert]

First, I don't know how old your kids are, but if they are 6 or younger I would say that I will tell them when they are older. Secondly, I have no idea what could be so terrible that you shouldn't tell your children. If you were afraid he would kill you, why couldn't you tell the children that? If they would ask why he might want to do that and it was because he caught you cheating on him, I would certainly admit that I did a bad thing which made him mad. If we divorced because I fell out of love with him, I would tell my kids that. If you divorced him because you didn't like his way of making love, I would find a way of explaining that to the kids, maybe by an analogy. For example, I would compare love making to cooking for someone; if they never liked what I cooked, I would simply say that I want to live my life with someone who appreciates my cooking, because I find cooking to be an expression of my artistic self and I need someone who appreciates that. I would tell the kids to extend that idea to lovemaking in the bedroom. In short, I believe in explaining everything to my kids honestly, although sometimes you have to simplify your explanation. I believe your children benefit from learning the truth. My daughters were in their teens when I divorced their mother. My younger daughter said she just assumed that I had a good reason. The older one I told I divorced her mother because her mother never enjoyed sex and I felt mutually enjoyed sex was an important life experience which I didn't want to miss. Bottom line, though my older daughter has been angry with me about the divorce, I have always valued the truth - good or bad.
I just saw your mention of a court order. There must be a reason (which I don't know) why there is a court order to that effect. In that case, I think you told them the right thing - that you are allowed to tell them when they become adults. At that point you don't have to prove to them that you are telling the truth; they have to make up their own minds about that and they do so from their witnessing your being truthful or not on so many other occasions.

[tate8]

It seems wholly clear, from the outside looking "in" ??? That these children have a BIGGER "axe" to "grind" than the divorce itself...Whatever led up to it? Whatever went on before that they witnessed, saw, heard? Is definitely impacting their determination. I would submit, you are either oblivious to this, or simply? Not paying attention as a parent due to the issues with your husband consuming your life. No crime commited here, just observation of what seems obvious.

The bigger problem appears to be your ex dissing you in front of the children...You say you BOTH went to therapy? Hm. Not much came of it, that is for certain. This continues to be the biggest problem it would appear - his attitude TOWARD YOU, coloring his verbal interactions with the children. He is the man you should be talking to - he has much power but indeed, as the children age? They may find out for themselves, who "poisoned" the situation further...I'm guessing they'll know it was their Dad. Then again? If you haven't told this man how damaging what he's doing is? You haven't done the rest of your job here.

You now want "ideas" to change this situation that has been growing, brewing, festering for some time...All you can do as an ADULT? Is live your life and do the best you can and not succumb to their childlike inquisition UNTIL such time they are older and more mature and are WILLING TO LISTEN and ACCEPT what you have to say.

Grace

[urian27]

This would be easier to understand if I knew the details of the divorce and the reason for why you won't tell them. I don't know how old your kids are but mine were 10 and 12 when we decided to split. They were furious that we decided to get a divorce and they blamed me for it since she had been telling them that I had cheated which I never did. I simply fell out of love and I noticed myself looking at other women more than my own wife and before I acted on it I ended our relationship. I basically sat my kids down and talked to them. They were understanding I asked them if they had any questions and I answered them. A lot of therapists haven't been through the stuation that you have been through. Basically you pay them for their advice on a matter they have learned through a book. Do what you think is right. Im not saying telling them is the best solution for you because I don't know your situation. Im just letting you know that it worked for me. Good Luck to you