Advice for the first part of my story?

[byron92]

Tell me what you think, what I need to improve and maybe rate it out of 10 (with reasons) Thank you! Oh and their names aren't actually Jane Smith and John Doe, I just haven't named them yet, so I put in subsitute names!

The sharp clicking of high heels rang through the jailhouse halls. It was an odd sound to John Doe. The guards quite obviously didn’t wear heels and visitors were never allowed into the prison block. The clicking sound came closer. John looked up from his smooth hands to inspect the mysterious visitor. She was already standing outside his cell, flanked by two bodyguard type men. The woman was tall, thin and pale? extremely pale. Her long hair cascaded past her shoulders in firm waves, but most shockingly it was white, even though she appeared to only be thirty years of age or less. Her crystal blue eyes created a piercing gaze. The woman was very beautiful? model like, with high cheekbones, and large eyes. And though she appeared youthful and naive her damper expression and grey pinstripe suit betrayed that image, creating a formal and business-like exterior.

“Mr. Doe my name is Jane Smith” The woman said sternly.
“I’m not interested in a Lawyer, miss.” John said, turning his face dismissively
The woman persisted, “I am not a lawyer, but I can certainly help you.”
“I don’t need your help, but thank you.” The prisoner concluded, tossing himself on the jail cot and feigned sleep.
The woman took a step closer, placing her left hand loosely on a bar and leaning back nonchalantly as if to test its strength. Her demeanor was taunting, she seemed to be saying, Look at me —I’m free as the wind. And just look at you, cooped up in a cage like a lion in a zoo. Pathetic.
“Mr. Doe, I do not think you realize who I am.” The woman continued despite John's lack of enthusiasm , “ I am here to offer you a deal.”
“A deal?” The prisioner enquired, his stance going unchanged.
“Precisely.”
“Look ma’am,” John said rising to meet the woman face to face, “I’ve had cops offer me a lot of deals in the past few weeks, I don’t think yours will be any better.”
The woman half smiled, her eyes inspecting the cell’s moist concrete walls, “What if I told you I could get you out of this jail this very moment. I have that power Mr. Doe.”
John pursed his lips— considering, “I’m listening.”
“This little excursion would also be erased from your permanent record.” The woman said, “Actually, your criminal record would be destroyed altogether.”
John face changed to a shade of mischievous “What’s the catch?”

The woman smiled.

[hagaleah]

Ok so i seriously love the beginning of this story i give it a 9.9999999 ;) i always say that if the beginning doesn't catch my interest im not reading it, and i this really did catch my interest. if you finish this story i would really like to read the rest of it. email me at [email protected] thanks so much :D

[kalvin71]

Ok so i seriously love the beginning of this story i give it a 9.9999999 ;) i always say that if the beginning doesn't catch my interest im not reading it, and i this really did catch my interest. if you finish this story i would really like to read the rest of it. email me at [email protected] thanks so much :D

i think its decent. i think one thing that helped my sister when she started writing her books was putting word limits on the stories . actually she entered contests that had word limits . it forced her to edit what didnt work or to substitute things that were more economical . i think its your call to determine what moves the story and what doesnt.
i think you have a lot of skill in writing. most people including myself arent as good with grammar or general writing skill. one of the reasons i wanted to respond was to share with you some actions you could take now to further your writing career. my sister entered several writing contests including flash fiction which helped evolve her writing. she also entered nanowrimo. thats national novel writing month and its world wide and a good exercise. they have their own website if you want to read about it. i would also suggest checking out create space. my sister has already self published several books with more in the works. it can be very cheap to do and they are published ot order. you might also consider writing an ebook for amazons kindle. your writing is certainly better than others i have read there.

[baigh75]

I would add a few more words to the girl's description. I really love while reading to see the picture in head and here I don't have enough details for this picture. Of course, it leaves much place for imagination ... But...


This is just my piece of advice.