Constructive criticism for the first part of my story? Rate it out of 10?

by **crosbey** » Mon Jul 30, 2012 4:48 pm

Tell me what you think, what I need to improve and maybe rate it out of 10 (with reasons) Thank you! Oh and their names aren't actually Jane Smith and John Doe, I just haven't named them yet, so I put in subsitute names for you all!

The sharp clicking of high heels rang through the jailhouse halls. It was an odd sound to John Doe. The guards quite obviously didn’t wear heels and visitors were never allowed into the prison block. The clicking sound came closer. John looked up from his smooth hands to inspect the mysterious visitor. She was already standing outside his cell, flanked by two bodyguard type men. The woman was tall, thin and pale? extremely pale. Her long hair cascaded past her shoulders in firm waves, but most shockingly it was white, even though she appeared to only be thirty years of age or less. Her crystal blue eyes created a piercing gaze. The woman was very beautiful? model like, with high cheekbones, and large eyes. And though she appeared youthful and naive her damper expression and grey pinstripe suit betrayed that image, creating a formal and business-like exterior.

“Mr. Doe my name is Jane Smith” The woman said sternly.
“I’m not interested in a Lawyer, miss.” John said, turning his face dismissively
The woman persisted, “I am not a lawyer, but I can certainly help you.”
“I don’t need your help, but thank you.” The prisoner concluded, tossing himself on the jail cot and feigned sleep.
The woman took a step closer, placing her left hand loosely on a bar and leaning back nonchalantly as if to test its strength. Her demeanor was taunting, she seemed to be saying, Look at me —I’m free as the wind. And just look at you, cooped up in a cage like a lion in a zoo. Pathetic.
“Mr. Doe, I do not think you realize who I am.” The woman continued despite John's lack of enthusiasm , “ I am here to offer you a deal.”
“A deal?” The prisioner enquired, his stance going unchanged.
“Precisely.”
“Look ma’am,” John said rising to meet the woman face to face, “I’ve had cops offer me a lot of deals in the past few weeks, I don’t think yours will be any better.”
The woman half smiled, her eyes inspecting the cell’s moist concrete walls, “What if I told you I could get you out of this jail this very moment. I have that power Mr. Doe.”
John pursed his lips— considering, “I’m listening.”
“This little excursion would also be erased from your permanent record.” The woman said, “Actually, your criminal record would be destroyed altogether.”
Johns face changed to a shade of mischievous “What’s the catch?”

The woman smiled.

by **aswynn81** » Mon Jul 30, 2012 4:50 pm

I'll give it a 8. I adore the writing style, but it is very choppy, especially in the first paragraph. Add a bit more detail between "John Doe" hearing the footsteps, perhaps add some onomatopoeia. Maybe describe emotions John was feeling as he heard Jane coming. It seems like you jumped right into the story- which is understandable, but try to add some interest in the beginning to catch the reader's attention.

by **bothan** » Mon Jul 30, 2012 4:52 pm

7..make me wondering what is the jane deal

by **kyledyr** » Mon Jul 30, 2012 5:08 pm

7..make me wondering what is the jane deal

10. I am quite interested. Could you please add me as a contact and tell me the rest?

by **stein74** » Mon Jul 30, 2012 5:17 pm

Was I reading the first page of an award winning novel?? It caught my interest for sure, and it made me want to continue reading. I give it a 10.

by **tahmelapachme33** » Mon Jul 30, 2012 5:27 pm

I would give it a 7...or an 8, depending on how it plays out.
You have a nice technique and writing style, and you have few mistakes. However, the happenings are a little fast and the beginning is a little like an info dump (maybe you could help by not saying his name until the woman addresses him? If just seems like the information is given before it is necessary).
Otherwise, I think you have a nice story on your hands. Good luck!

by **francisco** » Mon Jul 30, 2012 5:30 pm

I would give it a 7 or an 8.

It was okay. The first paragraph almost started to get too flowery with the description, in my opinion, and there were several punctuation mistakes in the dialogue -- I've been saying this to a lot of people lately, so I'll just toss you a link that should help: http://reenajacobs.com/blog/2010/01/dialogue-tags-versus-action-tags/

The excerpt itself was intersting, though, so well done.

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