Why am I so sensitive to criticism?

[jarel]

I am in a real estate training class. It's pretty intense and there is some kid (maybe 26?) beside me with a degree in "international affairs" who is a genius and picks up on everything. I have been out of college for 10 years and came to this from law enforcement.

He picks up on everything and I am not used to books and nonstop tests. Today, I was to read how to close a loan on the phone aloud in front of everyone. He was gawking at everything I did and writing the entire time. The instructor actually had him read aloud all of my mistakes after I messed up. I almost cried in front of everyone. What is wrong with me? I feel like I can't go into work tomorrow. This is the same kind of stress that got me out of working in corrections. Is this anxiety or am I just sensitive?

[fenwick]

Your teacher is a dunce.

Yes, you are anxious and sensitive. But, that is not uncommon. Most people would be anxious and sensitive, to varying degrees, in that situation. There likely is nothing 'wrong' with you, at least, not that you couldn't fix with a little work.

1) Recognize this: Mr. Genius is highly insecure. That is probably part of what has driven him to be good at things, and likely more so than any great level of intelligence. If he were a secure person, he would have no need to build himself up by tearing you down. A secure person would, in this situation, be using his skills to help support and encourage you. He doesn't feel that he is 'good enough', or he wouldn't act this way. He probably has internalized a critical parent, was raised in an environment of conditional love (perform or we leave you on the street); because of that, however good he becomes will never be enough. He will continue to feel inadequate, no matter how much he accomplishes, and will continue to try to compensate for those feelings by pointing out how much better he is than whomever he is around. It really isn't about you as much as it is about him.

2) Your teacher is, IMHO, a dunce for not managing this better. Unfortunately, there are a lot of teachers who are really good at doing the subject matter, but are not so good at teaching. A good teacher does not set you up to fail, and this one did. Everybody has different confidence levels, and different levels of sensitivity to negative reinforcement; it is the teacher's job to scope that out, and arrange your academic life so that it is a series of small, building successes, not failures. The teacher does not understand this, or does not know how to implement it.

I teach for a living. I teach people how to do something that many are scared of, and not without cause; you can get killed doing this. I have learned to create success with clients who are discouraged, failing, ready to give up cuz the last six teachers told them they 'just don't have what it takes.' I never fail with those people. They all succeed once they start into my process.

A teacher has all the power to set the expectation as to what defines 'success' and 'failure' in today's lesson. When a student is discouraged it is usually because his current level of performance has been, overtly or covertly, defined as 'failure.' Nobody likes to repeat failure experiences. Let your student fail, consistently, and you soon will have an ex-student.

On the other hand, the teacher that takes advantage of his power to define expectations, and defines 'success' at a level that you can achieve--today--creates a series of success experiences. It is highly motivating; people *like* to repeat success experiences. They want to try more, risk more, succeed more. Students who are having failure experiences just want to quit...kind of like how you feel right now.

Your teacher isn't going to become better at this right now. You will have to manage your own psychology of learning. You can isolate yourself from Mr. Genius' negative evaluations partly be recognizing that they are a sign of his internal weakness. You will have to help yourself by defining success, for yourself, at a level that you can achieve, each day. You need to find support from others who value you for your intrinsic worth, as opposed to the instrumental worth process you are getting from Mr. Genius.

Reframing: re-define the problem as one in which you can succeed: i.e. the first level of success is *showing up.* Define your success as showing up in spite of Mr. Insecure Genius and Mr. Dunce Teacher. Define success for yourself as having tried today at whatever level you are at, even if it is not the level that Mr. Genius thinks is ok (BTW--you will *never* get to that level; it doesn't exist!)

You are perhaps overly sensitive to criticism probably because your self confidence is down. Build it up by learning and doing new things, by proving to your self that you can. Set up success experiences, step by step, and build an internal resume of things that you couldn't do before that you have proven that you can do now.

DON'T QUIT THE CLASS. SHOW UP, NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL, AND DO IT ANYWAY!!! Avoidance makes you weaker. Showing the courage to show up and keep trying will make you stronger.

BTW...if the two of you ever become teachers, you will blow Mr. Insecure Genius' doors off. He will be *terrible.*

[beacher]

Give him the finger and tell him to stick up his A$$! Life is tooooooo short. Man oh man! Tell the teacher you didn't appreciate being made fun of. Make the teacher look like an A$$. Grow a back bone.

How do you know this little jerk off has a degree in international affairs? Was he bragging. Put him in his place. Ask him out loud WHY IS HE IN THIS CLASS? Why can't he do something with his degree? DON'T let punks bully you physically or MENTALLY!

[gillian59]

I think you're used to being on top,and a guy half your age doing better than you is ruining you self confidence.stop worrying and looking at the 'genius' because it'll only get worse,everybody has bad days and that day was really bad.just focus on doing better tha you did yesterday and I'm sure think will get better.

[bellden]

sounds like low-self esteem and anxiety. see a doctor

[vemados]

Foo, I don't know to what extent this person is doing this and not sure how out of line he is being but it sounds like he needs to focus on his own work and not yours. Being "book-smart" and getting good grades is entirely different from closing deals in the real world.

Think of the critique, particularly from the instructor, as a way to learn how to close deals and avoid many pitfalls. As a salesperson you need to learn not to take any of it personal because you are going to have to learn to take LOTS of rejection out there and if you wear your emotions on your sleeve then perhaps another line of work might be better. After all, how are you going to handle it if you make a mistake on the job and some customer goes off on you for setting them back or messing up their loan?

Myself, I don't fair well with students who want to help run the class. I enroll in classes to hear the instructor talk. But of course, there's always this talkative "know-it-all" that always wants to talk and explain every thought that enters their mind. If it bothers you that much then politely tell the person that you prefer hearing it from the instructor and that you'll get it at your own pace. Above all, get a tougher skin or consider finding something different that suits you.

[joachim]

Maybe you're just not used to it. That's not necessarily negative, but it takes a while for someone to get used to criticism. Honestly, reading out all of your mistakes was pretty harsh, there's a difference from healthy criticism and destructive criticism I think. Just start fresh tomorrow and don't let him get under your skin.
You're probably more vulnerable since you're already uncomfortable. You're sort of expecting something to go wrong because you're out of your comfort zone, and that makes you more anxious. If you weren't like this before, it's probably just because of your new situation. No one really enjoys criticism, just look on the positive side and realize someone with criticism has more to gain than someone without.