At What Age Can A Child Decide Custody?

[Cenewyg]

I am a resident of the UK and have primary custody of two young sons 9 and 12. I was divorced in the state of Iowa.

My ex who lives in Iowa has joint custody with me and the boys go visit him each summer for 4 weeks and every other xmas.

My question is as time goes on my sons who have lived in the UK for 7 years have expressed they would rather stay in England and do things over the summer holidays with their friends. They express their father doesn't do anything with them for the 4 out of 5 weeks they get off school in the summer here in England. The younger of the two boys also gets very anxious about visiting his father and spends a lot of time crying and throwing up. Their father often shouts profanities at them and forces this poor kid to eat which causes more anxiety. It's also a major concern for me because this little boy also has epilepsy.

I have been to court and spent thounsands of $$$ working out a visitation plan but the kids are just plain miserable and my ex won't hear of anything about it except what's best for 'him'. He insist's the boys need 'street smarts' and he's the one to give it to them. The boys tell him they would rather stay in England over they summer and his response is "too bad. You're my kids too and if you don't come your mother will be in a lot of touble and can even go to jail" This is very upsetting for them.. It's all very disturbing!

I guess I'm hoping the boys will soon be able to decide for themselves when they can't decied whether or not they want to visit their dad and for how long. What is the legal age in Iowa for the kids to decide? I've sifted through the Iowa State Code but haven't had much luck. Also is there something I can do in the UK such as take my younger son to the doctor and have him express his anxiety about seeing his dad? The boys are leaving in 10 days for their summer holiday with their father and already the tears have started. This isn't healthy at all.

What can I do?

Kind regards

Pebbles

[Woodman]

Quoting pebbles



It wasn't mentioned because he was still on the normal side when we went to court. The kids didn't have the problems with their visits like they do now.
He was still active duty military and showed up in court in his full dress uniform. After he retired he just sort of snapped and went totally off the rails. What constitutes a change of circumstance? Isn't it always the case of what's best for the kids? Shouldn't that override any calendar?

I wanted to mention just a snippet of what the kids are going through. Last Christmas was his Chirstmas to have the boys. My then 8 year old son was very upset to see his dad didn't have a Christmas tree and started to cry. His father replied, "Stop crying and grow up. It's just a f**king Christmas tree!" This is how he was over last summers visit also. He had the boys sweeping and mopping his house while he watched TV. He also locked them out of the house and told them to "Go play" so he could have time with his girlfriend. I hate the thought of them going back there!! These boys are being raised in a very stable and structured loving home. They can't possibly understand why their father acts this way toward them. And what makes it even more difficult is I'm 4000 miles away.







All of these things began to occur only after he was discharged?

Was he in combat at all?

If so, it's possible that he may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, which is apparently becoming very common among the military today.

If you have proof of your allegations, you might be able to file for a temp modificattion and ask the court for supervised visits and ask the court to order a full mental health eval on your ex.

[Maynor]

Quoting Xena



Why wasn't this addressed at the recent modification hearing?

Since a modification has recently been done, it's very doubtful that you will be able to get it into court, unless you can prove that there has been a change in circumstances that wasn't known at the time of the hearing.







It wasn't mentioned because he was still on the normal side when we went to court. The kids didn't have the problems with their visits like they do now.
He was still active duty military and showed up in court in his full dress uniform. After he retired he just sort of snapped and went totally off the rails. What constitutes a change of circumstance? Isn't it always the case of what's best for the kids? Shouldn't that override any calendar?

I wanted to mention just a snippet of what the kids are going through. Last Christmas was his Chirstmas to have the boys. My then 8 year old son was very upset to see his dad didn't have a Christmas tree and started to cry. His father replied, "Stop crying and grow up. It's just a f**king Christmas tree!" This is how he was over last summers visit also. He had the boys sweeping and mopping his house while he watched TV. He also locked them out of the house and told them to "Go play" so he could have time with his girlfriend. I hate the thought of them going back there!! These boys are being raised in a very stable and structured loving home. They can't possibly understand why their father acts this way toward them. And what makes it even more difficult is I'm 4000 miles away.

[Bemabe]

Quoting Another Demise



it doesnt matter what they decide but it does matter what he does. You could only attack his "abuse" at most.







Certainly there must be an age according to state code where a child can start making decisions regarding this matter?

[Torry]

it doesnt matter what they decide but it does matter what he does. You could only attack his "abuse" at most.

[Avrum]

Quoting pebbles



I recently had our modification hearing. The 'abusive' attitude my ex has been expressing is only recently adopted. He, witin the past year has just retired from the military and I believe he is having a difficult time adjusting to life in the 'real world'. He is a completely different person since his retirement. I want to explain I am NOT ever planning on denying him visitation. He has parental rights but I believe the situation isn't a healthy one and maybe supervised visition would be better for everyone. The boys are happy when they spend time with their aunt (his sister) but recently he had a falling out with her and he said she is not to see the kids.

I seriously doubt I can afford to fork out another several thousand dollars for court and I do realise that the courts look down upon putting children on the stand so I have to be careful how I handle this. If my ex were a reasonable, caring, nourturing person we could probably work this out ourselves but he isn't any of those things.







Why wasn't this addressed at the recent modification hearing?

Since a modification has recently been done, it's very doubtful that you will be able to get it into court, unless you can prove that there has been a change in circumstances that wasn't known at the time of the hearing.

[hjortur]

Quoting pebbles



Certainly there must be an age according to state code where a child can start making decisions regarding this matter?







18, Although if you want to modify the order a court MAY listen to their preference at 12 or 13. Please note the word MAY!

[Tohias]

[QUOTE=pebbles;113576]Nicely he is a vet of the very first gulf war but did not notice any motion. However itis not uncommon as numerous understand for military 'lifers' to truly have a challenging period changing alive away from military bubble. Additionally the very fact he's a brief history of psychological disease in his household might have a little related to it. I questioned my attny in regards to a court-ordered psychological analysis and he explained it'd be very costly and we ought to attempt the change first and observe how things work-out. Simple to state once theyare not his children,eh? <br />
But returning to my initial issue. I am sure there has to be an era whenever a kid may choose for him/himself once they merely do not wish to attend whole summer appointments using the non-custodial parent.[/QUOTE]<br />
That era is 18...until you possess a change of custody. You might want to go over having a WOMAN for that kids. I simply do not understand how that will function since you have been in another country...But consult your lawyer about it.

[Edwardson]

Estimating Xena<br />
<br />
Many of these issues started to happen just after he was released?<br />
Was he in fight at-all?<br />
In that case, it is possible he might be struggling with post-traumatic anxiety condition, that will be evidently getting common one of the army today.<br />
When you have evidence of your accusations, you may be ready to apply for a temperature modificattion and have the courtroom for supervised trips and have the courtroom to-order a complete psychological wellness eval in your ex.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Well he is a vet of the very first gulf war but did not notice any motion. However itis not uncommon as numerous understand for military 'lifers' to truly have a challenging period changing alive away from military bubble. Additionally the very fact he's a brief history of psychological disease in his household might have a little related to it. I questioned my attny in regards to a court-ordered psychological analysis and he explained it'd be very costly and we ought to attempt the change first and observe how things work-out. Simple to state once theyare not his children,eh? <br />
But returning to my initial issue. I am sure there has to be an era whenever a kid may choose for him/himself once they merely do not wish to attend whole summer appointments using the non-custodial parent.

[Cartere]

Estimating Baystategirl<br />
<br />
18, Though if you like to change the purchase a courtroom MIGHT pay attention to their choice at 12 or 13. Take note the term MIGHT!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I recently had our modification hearing. The 'violent' perspective my ex continues to be indicating is just recently used. He, witin the previous year has simply retired in the military and that I think he's having a hard period changing alive within the 'real life'. He's a totally unique individual since his pension. I do want to clarify I'm never thinking about questioning him visitation. He's parental rights but in my opinion the problem is not a healthful one and perhaps monitored visition could be greater for everybody. The guys are pleased once they spend some time using their cousin (his sibling) but lately he'd a receding together with her and he explained she's to not observe the children. <br />
I really doubt I will manage to spend another thousands of bucks for courtroom and that I do understand the surfaces appear down upon placing kids about the stay and so I need to be cautious how I manage this. If my ex were an acceptable, patient, nourturing individual we might possibly work-this out ourselves but he'sn't some of these things.