Do not want to attend Thanksgiving dinner...?

by **chepito** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:42 pm

I do not want to attend Thanksgiving dinner at my in laws home. Every year since my husband and I have been together we've always had to go to his parents house on Thanksgiving. They are rude and always putting us down, and frankly I'm sick of it.I've wanted to make Thanksgiving dinner since we now have a family of my own,but my husband still wants to continue to go over to their house. We now have children and my son's birthday is Thanksgiving week, so is my husbands, so we always celebrate it on Thanksgiving day. Every year I've made my son a birthday cake with the character of his choice, but my in laws always buy an ice cream cake and tell me my cake is no good. This year my mother in law told me I couldn't bring a cake over. That pretty much pushed me over the edge and I told my husband that I wasn't going to dinner this year. And the thing is, the dinner isn't even homemade. They buy it from the same place every year and it's never that great.They all eat and I'm left stuck clearing the table and hand washing all the china. My mother in law helps to, but I have to listen to her mouth the entire time. I'm just tired of going over there year after year and listening to them putting us down. My husband never stands up to them, I'm always the one defending us, and by the time dinner is over I'm wishing I was the turkey. The situations is so bad that my sister in law never even goes over there. I told my husband that I didn't want to go to dinner this year and he's already being irritated with me. I know this will turn into an argument and I don't want it to. I just feel like I have so few days off of work and this is one of them. I'd rather stay home, cook a t.v. dinner and enjoy my day off with no drama. Is that asking to much?

by **talbot** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:45 pm

I do not want to attend Thanksgiving dinner at my in laws home. Every year since my husband and I have been together we've always had to go to his parents house on Thanksgiving. They are rude and always putting us down, and frankly I'm sick of it.I've wanted to make Thanksgiving dinner since we now have a family of my own,but my husband still wants to continue to go over to their house. We now have children and my son's birthday is Thanksgiving week, so is my husbands, so we always celebrate it on Thanksgiving day. Every year I've made my son a birthday cake with the character of his choice, but my in laws always buy an ice cream cake and tell me my cake is no good. This year my mother in law told me I couldn't bring a cake over. That pretty much pushed me over the edge and I told my husband that I wasn't going to dinner this year. And the thing is, the dinner isn't even homemade. They buy it from the same place every year and it's never that great.They all eat and I'm left stuck clearing the table and hand washing all the china. My mother in law helps to, but I have to listen to her mouth the entire time. I'm just tired of going over there year after year and listening to them putting us down. My husband never stands up to them, I'm always the one defending us, and by the time dinner is over I'm wishing I was the turkey. The situations is so bad that my sister in law never even goes over there. I told my husband that I didn't want to go to dinner this year and he's already being irritated with me. I know this will turn into an argument and I don't want it to. I just feel like I have so few days off of work and this is one of them. I'd rather stay home, cook a t.v. dinner and enjoy my day off with no drama. Is that asking to much?

I would inform him it's your life too and you get a say-so. If he can't stand up to his family and tell them to treat you better, he has contributed to the problem. A tv dinner does not sound like a good solution, though. Stay home and give everyone in the family their own option, with you or with the inlaws. I would be completely honest with the inlaws, not making up any excuses. Why shouldn't you be honest? Why should their bad behavior make you lie?

by **josephus** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:47 pm

I might have some experience with family problems!!

by **maddox** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:56 pm

Buy a turkey, cook it, cut the back bone out and give it to him. Tell him to take it with him to his mother's house because he has none.

by **jerrick** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:57 pm

turkery dressing cranberry sauces pie

by **jarel** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:01 pm

Go for the dinner and let them clean up! Agree to go with your husband for the meal and compromise on how long to stay. Sometimes we have to decide what is my part in making my day go well. Not always easy in some situations. I would celebrate your son's birthday on the day of his real birthday! Let him enjoy the occasion as if it were not a holiday also. Offer to take something which can be part of the meal and a dish you will enjoy.

by **dasco** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:13 pm

Your husband needs to grow a backbone and stand up to his parents! I remember hearing of a time when my father's mother started disrespecting my mother and my father was the only one of her 4 sons that had even balls to stand up to his mother and tell her that she WOULD NOT talk about his wife like that. This year give your spineless hubby an ultimatum to either stand up to his mommy and defend you as you ARE his WIFE or you and the children aren't going and he can go to mommy's and daddy's alone and be a chickensh*t!

by **advent** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:18 pm

My guess: your husband thinks the issue is the food. You may need to explain things to him -- that you don't feel welcome. This isn't about making him choose between families -- it's about your kids and their memories about Thanksgiving ( They're not getting the same warm feelings he was as a kid, they're seeing their mom being left out)

by **reid** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:25 pm

My guess: your husband thinks the issue is the food. You may need to explain things to him -- that you don't feel welcome. This isn't about making him choose between families -- it's about your kids and their memories about Thanksgiving ( They're not getting the same warm feelings he was as a kid, they're seeing their mom being left out)

I'm wondering-- does your husband want to go, because-- as dysfunctional as the day feels for you-- for him this is what a "family holiday" is and he wants to share it with his kids?

Or is he afraid his mom is going to give him hell if he backs out?

This year it is a little late to cancel... if I were you I'd have your family b-day cake with friends over the weekend, and let your MIL have her Thanksgiving as she likes it. Sit down and smile and just grin & bear it.

But it looks like a big talk is in order to come to a new agreement-- whatever his reasons, he has to understand it's not fair that you have to spend every Thanksgiving, what is supposed to be a nice holiday, somewhere that makes you feel unwelcome and awful.

Maybe alternate years so he gets his family one year and you get to plan something else the other year. Let them know WELL ahead of time that you won't be there on T-day... don't wait until November.

Either that or, if he doesn't like his family T-day either and he's just going to appease his parents, maybe you can convince him that your family needs to start your own T-day traditions at home, and his parents are going to have to deal with it.

Or at least agree to him giving you a free pass like your sister in law and start spending the holidays apart.

by **adusa37** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:28 pm

This is a tough one. You're stuck in the 'Debra mode' as in the tv show "everyone loves raymond". Too bad. Of course, you're 100% right, but BUT, you don't want to create a bigger problem between you and your husband. It's big enough already! And your son doesn't know any better. He just doesn't want to miss out on the possibility of a birthday give from grandma and grandpa. I don't blame him. After all, he's just a kid anyway. So the idea of you boycotting the in-law dinner could spell disaster. Here's what I'd do. I'd go to the in-law dinner with my family. Obey their "no-cake" rule and any other rules that they employ. Behave. Keep my mouth shut. And Next weekend, make a thanksgiving dinner of your own. Let your husband and son experience good, home cooked thanksgiving. But don't tell them why the turkey dinner. If they ask, just tell them that you were thoroughly inspired my the in-law meal. A lot of work, but I think you can pull it off. And when you do, I truly believe that next year will be quite different. Good Luck.

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