Future Son In Law

[Gallagher]

We are going through a difficult situation with my daugther and future son in law.  We feel he is very controlling over her and tends to belittle her.  Her self esteem is low.  He has said he feels he can't trust her because she lies to him.  He makes everything sound like it's her fault.  She is going to seek counseling to help her with lying and he seems to act like he is perfect and it's all up to her.  We have tried to talk her out of the marriage, at least for now, to get her self esteem up through counseling and rethink the situation.  She refuses and says if she doesn't marry him she will be devastated.  We feel it's a "train wreck" but can't make her decisions as she's an adult.  We are all in a major disagreement over this and feel the wedding is a total farce.  Any suggestions?

[lawly1]

Hi Joan - you sketch a difficult situation. From your description, I suspect both your daughter and her partner are psychologically-wounded - and you and your husband may be too. See these:http://sfhelp.org/01/gwc.htm  and  http://sfhelp.org/01/gwc_means.htm

and http://sfhelp.org/Rx/wounds/shame.htm

Lying is usually a sign that the person fears that telling the truth will bring significant pain - internally and/or from others. Where true, lying is a surface symptom, and counseling should aim at identifying and reducing the underlying fears. My experience with "Grown Wounded Children"(GWCs) in denial is that they will act self-destructively until they hit personal bottom - usually in mid-life. Sometimes that includes divorce and other traumas.

I suggest the best thing you can do for all of you is:

1) give your daughter, her partner, and her counselor - a copy  of the two articles above, and these:http://sfhelp.org/07/nc/dangers.htmhttp://sfhelp.org/Rx/recovery1.htm

2) you and your husband study and patiently apply these:http://sfhelp.org/prevent/intro.htm  and http://sfhelp.org/basics/wounded.htm

If I'm right, I compassionately urge you to redefine the problem - it is not your daughter's controlling partner or her lying - it is the toxic effects of the[wounds + unawareness] cycle you and your husband probably inherited without knowing it.

3) Give up trying to persuade your daughter to change - logic *rarely* works with GWCs in denial.

4) I encourage you all to use a patient glass-half-full outlook together - discovering and reducing your wounds together can yield a MUCH better life for you all and any young people in your family over time!

Thank you for your question, Joan.

If these articles bring up new questions, please ask.

Respectfully, Pete