How Do You Tell Your In-laws They May Never Be Grandparents?

[alburt]

My husband and I have fertility issues that we have been very private about. As it becomes more and more unlikely that we will have children, how do we tell his parents? They have not pressured us to have children, but will comment about "when you have kids." I am making my peace with our situation, but don't think I can handle the suggestions that are sure to come from my MIL who thinks she can solve everything.We have looked at the different medical and social options for having a family, but have eliminated most of them for different reasons. I don't want to have to explain the gritty details or justify our decisions, but I feel like they need to know that they may not ever have grandchildren from us. Do we just let them figure it out for themselves as the years pass, or what?

[audwine]

Have him tell them Have him tell them the situation and lay it out.  And he should tell them that this is something very sad and painful for you both and that you really don't feel up to discussing it with them.  They may not figure it out and meanwhile it will continue to be unintentionally upsetting to you.  You say you don't want to justify your decisions to them, but before your husband talks to them, be sure you are definitely on the same page about those decisions.  They may ask for justifications and he can give them or not as he sees fit, but you don't want him to say it is just because you don't want to. He should use a lot of we's in his discussion so they don't try to place any blame.  And since they are not pressuring, they are just talking about the future assuming the someday sort of scenario, try to realize that they will be sad too.  Though it is a private issue between you and your husband, it is still an issue that does involve them to some degree. If/When your MIL brings it up, just politely tell her, "This is something very personal and difficult for me. I appreciate that you want to help and you have suggestions and ideas. But I promise you, we have tried for years and I have looked at all of them.  It is painful for me to talk about this, and I really would prefer if you didn't bring it up again.  I am sorry, but I really just can't talk about it."  Then ask your husband to reiterate that you don't want to talk about it.  I hope you find the peace you are looking for.   shaelyn's Recommendations Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility Amazon List Price: $14.95 Used from: $2.59 Average Customer Rating: 5.0 out of 5(based on 5 reviews) shaelyn 74 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[Justain]

We flat out told everyone in our family that we were never having children. We are very happy with out them and we prefer our time to ourselves nad plus most our firneds have children and we can take them spoil em for the day and return then to mommy and daddy hyper as hell and not have to deal with them. We told my mother inlaw we'll have a puppy at some point and that will be our child...like our fish! She every now and then hints that she wants a baby around but then i say so you want to change poopy diapers? and she gets the idea out of her head.

[Sketes]

They might ask for more information, but you don?t have to give the details(such as the specific medical problem) if you don?t want to. I think it?s best for them to know. Plus, if down the road you do find a solution(medical or otherwise), they can have the pleasant surprise of your success, as opposed to just assuming it would happen eventually, and then being in a "why didn't you tell us???" situation. On the other hand, if your in-laws have the tendency to hear what they want to hear, they might mutate your statement like a game of Telephone and tell other family and friends incorrect information. Still, in general, I think honesty is the best policy.

[Wilburn]

Have him tell them the situation and lay it out.  And he should tell them that this is something very sad and painful for you both and that you really don't feel up to discussing it with them.  They may not figure it out and meanwhile it will continue to be unintentionally upsetting to you.  You say you don't want to justify your decisions to them, but before your husband talks to them, be sure you are definitely on the same page about those decisions.  They may ask for justifications and he can give them or not as he sees fit, but you don't want him to say it is just because you don't want to. He should use a lot of we's in his discussion so they don't try to place any blame.  And since they are not pressuring, they are just talking about the future assuming the someday sort of scenario, try to realize that they will be sad too.  Though it is a private issue between you and your husband, it is still an issue that does involve them to some degree. If/When your MIL brings it up, just politely tell her, "This is something very personal and difficult for me. I appreciate that you want to help and you have suggestions and ideas. But I promise you, we have tried for years and I have looked at all of them.  It is painful for me to talk about this, and I really would prefer if you didn't bring it up again.  I am sorry, but I really just can't talk about it."  Then ask your husband to reiterate that you don't want to talk about it.  I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

[Hekli]

sit down with them and be honest We have a daughter and son-in-law in this position, probably for reasons different from yours, but nevertheless, even though they would love to have a child, it will probably never happen.  I don't know if they will adopt.   But they told us quietly, straightforwardly, and we appreciated that so much!  It increased our respect for them immensely that they had the courage to tell us the way they did.  Our daughter is adopted, so yes, they are considering that option, but they are still coming to terms with their medical facts as well,  so I think it will take some time for them to decide what is the best for them to do.   I'm  proud of them and love them dearly.  They are a TERRIFIC aunt and uncle, by the way!      tuppence 74 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[Wiellaby]

tell them We flat out told everyone in our family that we were never having children. We are very happy with out them and we prefer our time to ourselves nad plus most our firneds have children and we can take them spoil em for the day and return then to mommy and daddy hyper as hell and not have to deal with them. We told my mother inlaw we'll have a puppy at some point and that will be our child...like our fish! She every now and then hints that she wants a baby around but then i say so you want to change poopy diapers? and she gets the idea out of her head. SheweeGirl 74 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[Chao]

Just say "We can't have children". They might ask for more information, but you don?t have to give the details(such as the specific medical problem) if you don?t want to. I think it?s best for them to know. Plus, if down the road you do find a solution(medical or otherwise), they can have the pleasant surprise of your success, as opposed to just assuming it would happen eventually, and then being in a "why didn't you tell us???" situation. On the other hand, if your in-laws have the tendency to hear what they want to hear, they might mutate your statement like a game of Telephone and tell other family and friends incorrect information. Still, in general, I think honesty is the best policy. Sources: my opinion UltraNurd 74 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.

[ellsworth6]

We have a daughter and son-in-law in this position, probably for reasons different from yours, but nevertheless, even though they would love to have a child, it will probably never happen.  I don't know if they will adopt.   But they told us quietly, straightforwardly, and we appreciated that so much!  It increased our respect for them immensely that they had the courage to tell us the way they did.  Our daughter is adopted, so yes, they are considering that option, but they are still coming to terms with their medical facts as well,  so I think it will take some time for them to decide what is the best for them to do.   I'm  proud of them and love them dearly.  They are a TERRIFIC aunt and uncle, by the way!     

[Keondre]

We are in a position with a similar end result for a different reason. and while it is not the in-laws we have concerns about, still we have to gently but firmly remind some people that we will not be having any babies.    I would think the best option might be to sit down with them and let them know that you have discussed your parenthood options, and have determined that at this point in time you are thinking that you will probably not choose to have children of your own, but that you are keeping the option open for the future.   If your husband is an only son, there may be dynastic concerns with your in-laws, so be prepared for that. If MIL starts prying, you can use similar quotes to what I have used, including the wealth of other perfectly good children in the world that may need new parents, and the dramatic impact children will have on your life.(I think the last conversation with the pushy person in my circle of friends mentioned how close I was to exhaustion without children)   Definitely form a strategy together with your husband, and determine if you need to use it proactively, or defensively.   TheLightWorks's Recommendations Cheerfully Childless: The Humor Book for Those Who Hesitate to Procreate Amazon List Price: $10.99 Used from: $92.06 Average Customer Rating: 3.5 out of 5(based on 14 reviews) The Childless Revolution: What It Means to Be Childless Today Amazon List Price: $15.00 Used from: $0.01 Average Customer Rating: 4.0 out of 5(based on 35 reviews) TheLightWorks 74 months ago Please sign in to give a compliment. Please verify your account to give a compliment. Please sign in to send a message. Please verify your account to send a message.