How can I stop feeling that I was robbed of my grandparents?

[modraed]

My mothers parents died before my birth.

Her mother died in her early 50's due to a (probable) preventable stroke had she taken her medication. She likely could have been saved but due to medical malpractice she died (this judgment was rendered by court in a wrongful death suit). My grandfather took the loss of my grandmother very hard. He hit the bottle to cope & my aunt regularly found him drunk, passed out, sleeping, or crying at my grandmother's grave. He drank himself to death after what happened to my grandma.

I've spent a lot of time learning about them from other family members. The overwhelming feeling I got was how they were deeply loved by so many. It makes me angry that I never had the chance to experience & understand that myself.

Often I wonder, after what happened to my grandma, had never happened I might have known her or in turn have known my grandfather. Seems like I'm constantly playing a mental game of 'what if'. I really feel like I was robbed of the opportunity to know them. How can I stop feeling that way?

[hyun-su]

I feel the same :( I've never really "known" my grandparents. My dads dad died when I was around 4. My dads mom doesn't really like my mom... Even though dad and mom have been married for 30 years already!! And my mom doesn't like her back... So I feel like she's not even a grandma to me because ive been over at her house literally like 10 times in my whole life (I'm 23). My moms parents live on the other side of the country and I've seen them about 4 times total in my life... Grandpa died two years ago... So it's like I've never had actual grandparents that I could go visit and grandma would hug and kiss me and make cookies and tea... I guess it's just a void in our hearts that needs to be filled with love from others that surround us? Idk but I get sad every time I think about it :(

[avikar76]

Wow. You realize that this was not your choice and not under your control, and it happened in the past so there is no use in speculating over it.

You also realize that the people who are telling you these stories have their own particular spin on things, and their own view of what happened - and you are getting their spin on things and not the "truth", if you follow me. Life is made up of a series of events. Getting stuck on some event in the past and speculating on how you THINK it might have gone is pretty fruitless and is a distraction from the business of living your own life. Everyone has some kind of personal tragedy or loss - how you choose to deal with it says a lot about who you choose to be. Staying focused either on some fabled past, or some missed opportunity (real or perceived ) is just a trap and a way to avoid dealing with your own present and future as it is now. If you think about it, that's kind of what your granddad did; only he went one step further and self medicated with alcohol to avoid dealing with his present and future. You see where that got him. Focus on your OWN story, not theirs.