How/when do I tell my kids that my ex/their mother has Borderline Personality Disorder?

by **barraq** » Fri May 25, 2012 2:36 am

While she's not the worst compared to the information I've read on BPD, it is clear as day that she suffers from it. I read the stories and thought, "My God, that was my entire marriage." Because I was laid off and we had to file bankruptcy, we moved in with her parents. Things were always rough, but it finally got to the point where I couldn't take it any more, and kicking her out obviously wasn't an option. So I left.

We got divorced, and I accepted joint legal custody and parenting time equal to two weekends a month and a week during summer for vacation, trying to maintain some sense of normalcy for the kids and to make things as easy on them as possible. I moved for a job (within the 100 mile radius per law) and only see them on my days. I would call to talk to them each day, but that means having to talk to her, and the less I talk to her, the better. Right now they are fairly young, 8 and 5. I'm finally getting settled in the area for the new job, and focusing on getting my affairs in order. She still lives with her parents, has no job, and continues to float from one educational program to the next. I'm scared as hell as to what those kids will go through if one of her parents should pass away, not because of the loss of a grandparent, but their mother's reaction to such loss. Physically, she's not abusive, but I know how she treated me both verbally and emotionally during our marriage, and I hate to think about my kids going through that.

I don't know when/how to approach the subject with them. See, when she's not having an episode, she calls me a caring father who would do anything for his kids. But during those occasions? I'm everything but a white-boy. When I think about the future, I picture her telling the kids about emancipation, only to find them deciding to come live with me. But what if she doesn't? I'm afraid if I approach the subject too soon, it will get back to her, and she'll claim I'm trying to take the kids from her, to turn them against me. I don't want to take them from her; I want her to get the help she needs.

Links to resources or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

by **gillivray5** » Fri May 25, 2012 2:40 am

You need to speak to a medically qualified person about this before you tell your children something like this. Think on...

by **eilis** » Fri May 25, 2012 2:55 am

You need to speak to a medically qualified person about this before you tell your children something like this. Think on...

She isn't. She has never been diagnosed with ANY mental disorder.

What you should do is move back closer to the kids and work on a shared custody arrangement so you can see them more. Talking to them every day would be nice...you don't have to have lengthy conversations with your ex - just call and ask to speak with your children.

I think it's great that you want to spend your time pointing fingers - but really, what good is that doing for your kids?

by **dacy17** » Fri May 25, 2012 3:03 am

My dear friend,you are best person to take care of her.You are wonderful person,helping your wife.No need to tell your children anything.Children are intelligent.They will understand as they grow up and they will help you.

by **urian27** » Fri May 25, 2012 3:10 am

Time to give them their first life lesson.

Point at her, point at her Mother, point at her Sister(if she has one) and explain they are women.
Then point out perfect strangers (women also) and even your Mother and Sisters..

Then tell your kids the truth.

They're all nuts!

Why?

They're women!

by **lifton** » Fri May 25, 2012 3:12 am

You've met one that doesn't? Dude, chicks are all like that if you know them well enough. In any case, don't get into this with the kids until they're like 16 or so. They'll figure it out on their own.

by **claudius** » Fri May 25, 2012 3:20 am

Your wife has been diagnosed with BPD by YOU!. I can fit almost everyone I know (probably even you) into the characteristics of a BPD. Only a trained psychiatrist can make this diagnosis. Concentrate on your kids. They are the ones who need you most. Keep those phone calls going even if you have to talk to her. Keep that part "nice day out" and away from personal issues. Your kids are young, it is up to you to maintain that relationship or you will lose them. They can't be expected to make it happen. Don't project into the future so far, you need to be there NOW for your kids. They still need you.

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