What to do about financially irresponsible mother-in-law?

by ji » Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:01 pm

My (soon-to-be) husband and I are, once again, faced with the issues that come from the wake of his mother's poor financial management.

She is 50. She has been making irresponsible money moves for many years now... severe enough to have declared bankruptcy some time ago and lose a house. And she has a habit of mooching off of her grown children. I have explained to my hunny - and he agrees - that "bailing her out" is only enabling her so over the past year, our financial assistance to her has been minimal.

She has two masters degrees (aka: capable). She had a job, and back in September she was notified that her company was going out of business as of the end of December. With all of her experience and education, and four months of advanced notice, she had plenty of time to look for and get another job (even if it wasn't the exact job she wants). But, as we predicted, she hasn't. She says that she hasn't been able to find a job because "no one will ever hire her because she is overweight and has health problems." (Note that she always has an excuse why she *can't* do something - every time.)

So last night, we learn that her rent is due tomorrow (today) and she can't pay it. Between us and his younger brother, we end up giving her the money to pay her rent (against our better judgment, but we can't have her being homeless... or living with us - oh god no!). But now our concern is how we are going to handle the upcoming "needs" from her. Besides, this is HER problem - and it already makes us mad enough that it's becoming "ours." We don't mind helping out when needed every now and then, but we absolutely cannot afford to support her. She's going to have her car payment, insurance payment, etc. (yes, she drives a brand new car... even though she can't afford it), and other bills. "Well I need to have a car so I can get a job!" She has managed to get food stamps and power/heat assistance. And her rent is extremely cheap already.

I can just see where this is going. And we are trying to come up with a plan to deal with these issues together. She needs professional help, but is too "proud" to get it. And how do you help someone that doesn't want to help themselves? You just can't.

by **dennie18** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:05 pm

HI BEEN THERE GOT THE TSHIRT,,honey,you need to show her some tough love,stop helping her,and once she sees she cant run to u both,for help,she will help her self,i no its hard to tell her,no,but if you dont she will b begging all your lives,PEACE

by **lalla3** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:15 pm

you answered your own question with your last sentence. but let your husband make the final decision to keep him from becoming bitter with you

by **ern** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:19 pm

It's your husbands mom so he needs to make that call.

by **slaine** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:30 pm

you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, but you can take the burden off yourself. Remind her of the bills she has coming up, and let her know you all can't afford to pay these or support her anymore, she's cut off. Explain paying her rent interfered with your own bills (even if it didn't) and you guys aren't willing to do that again. once you cut her off, she may be willing to get some help. sometimes human nature doesn't make us want help when we need it until we are on the verge of losing everything. good luck to you.

by **herald** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:32 pm

You can help her downsize and design a new budget that will afford her to live on unemployment and disability ,

Show her the bleak future of living out of a Public Storage unit or a RV and see if she is willing to explore more productive options.

But I have to agree that it's pretty pointless to help someone who makes no effort to help themselves.

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