How would you rate my lyrics?

[larenzo]

This is something small I wrote a few minutes ago because I had a lot on my mind and writing is usually the only way I know how to blow off steam. Sorry for venting to whoever reads this, but I appreciate it.

I honestly don't care about my family business,
'cause this ain't family. We aren't in any pictures.
Family gathering, they can't forget us. We weren't invited.
Older sister graduated, but they weren't excited.
We were so close to living out of an Escort,
with a bank account amount sittin' lower than test scores.
What did they do? They sat back and laughed,
at the fact we had no home and were strapped for cash.
My uncle became my aunt's sister-in-law.
Start crying whenever we don't listen to y'all.
Y'all complained about how we weren't visiting y'all,
We throw parties now, but you keep missing them all.
I know I'm not supposed to put family on blast,
but let's face it, my extended family is trash,
with the acception of a few cousins,
Renetra and Trina, two of my true cousins.
I remember when you made my mama cry on the phone.
She didn't care about your feelings, so she told you her own.
How you always loved her bro and sister and favored them.
I know you used to talk about my daddy, you hated him.
You never gave him praise. Hope you know that it angered him.
Put to good use all the hate that you gave to him.
Love the state of Maryland, but never really cared for them,
After you die, I'll never ever visit that state again.

So the question is, how would you rate these lyrics?? This IS a rap to a song called Family Business by Kanye West. (Kind of ironic considering the makin purpose of his song was to talk about how great family is). Any way, thanks for reading and I appreciate it.

[delron]

As a write it is pure gold-
I got the entire emotional range behind it -
it`s seriously, seriously good as a write.
For a lyric
you will need something to let a few real light moments in
especially close to the summarising lines
but th write is so serious you could flaw it.
Can you have some kind of soft one-liner repeated
)maybe in a different voice or tone like a gentle
one-liner chorus, repeaTED AT INTERVALS?
oR SELECT A LINE FROM IT, TO LIGHTEN IT AND `INTERVAL` IT?
iS MY PRACTICED SUGGESTION.
i LIKE IT GREAT
BUT IYT IS TOO TRUE, BIEF , HEAVY TO ENJOY AS IT STANDS, FOR RAP -
IT WILL PUSH PEOPLE`S BUTTONS AND NOT BE THE EFFECT YOU WANT/ NEED.
i HOPE THIS IS USEFUL - IT`S DEFINITELY FROM THE GUT AND HEART
SO LIGHTEN IT -ARTFULLY.


8.7/ 10 :) (:

EXCUSE CAPS - am unwell, not too able to focus on screen and keyboard, sorry.
But yes - try these suggestions - this is too good to blow. Good good luck yay`