My sister just left an abusive relationship... how do I comfort her now that she left?

[chika]

My sister is going through an incredibly hard time right now. She just left a 2 year relationship with a guy who is a real psycho. He's emotionally abusive and physically abusive, he's suicidal and has threatened to kill them both if she leaves him. We're talking like, the movie "Fear" with Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon (she also comes from a life time of emotional abuse from her father and our alcoholic mother abandoned her when she was 7). She left him less than 2 days ago and she seems to be trying to detatch herself and remind herself that he is truly a monster and she's doing the right thing. She seems surprisingly calm about it (she hasn't really cried about it yet) but she doesn't want to make any plans in regards to what she's going to do. She's staying with a friend for now. She is safe for the time being (away from him and he doesn't know where she is) but I don't really know how to console her and remind her that what she's doing is the right thing. I feel like I can't come up with the right things to say to her. She is currently about 1500 miles away from me right now and as much as I want to drop everything and come to her rescue again (I've already flown out to her rescue once this week which was a complete failure by the way) I just can't; I don't have the resources. She said at first that she wants to come live with me but now she just wants to visit to see if this is a place she could call home. I don't think she truly wants to come live with me, I think she is just saying that to pacify me because she knows that's what I want. She has admitted that she doesn't ever want to see him again but the other part of her just wants to go running back into his arms. She states that she knows that would be incredibly stupid of her and she is going to do everything in her power to stay away from him. Personally, I would love to go all Gerard Butler in "Law Abiding Citizen" on his a$$ and send his family a video tape of it all (forgive my reference to all the movies). But I have kids and cannot risk my going to jail for that. Honestly, I feel like no one can take care of her the way that I can, and I feel like a control freak because I want her to do what I think is best. I know I should just let her figure things out on her own, but it's hard, I don't think I will truly feel that she is safe until she is with me. I know, that's incredibly selfish of me. In a really dumb way I sort of feel like I am in the abusive relationship too and there's not a thing I can do about it. I feel like I just have to stand by and watch her suffer. I feel helpless, useless and unwanted but I worry that these feelings I'm having are just simply because she's not doing what I think is best for her. I have nothing but good intentions and the last thing I want to do is hurt her or do/say the wrong thing, I just want to help her the way that she needs to be helped. I need some support through this too. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't know what to say to her. Any advice??

[winwood]

My sister is going through an incredibly hard time right now. She just left a 2 year relationship with a guy who is a real psycho. He's emotionally abusive and physically abusive, he's suicidal and has threatened to kill them both if she leaves him. We're talking like, the movie "Fear" with Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon (she also comes from a life time of emotional abuse from her father and our alcoholic mother abandoned her when she was 7). She left him less than 2 days ago and she seems to be trying to detatch herself and remind herself that he is truly a monster and she's doing the right thing. She seems surprisingly calm about it (she hasn't really cried about it yet) but she doesn't want to make any plans in regards to what she's going to do. She's staying with a friend for now. She is safe for the time being (away from him and he doesn't know where she is) but I don't really know how to console her and remind her that what she's doing is the right thing. I feel like I can't come up with the right things to say to her. She is currently about 1500 miles away from me right now and as much as I want to drop everything and come to her rescue again (I've already flown out to her rescue once this week which was a complete failure by the way) I just can't; I don't have the resources. She said at first that she wants to come live with me but now she just wants to visit to see if this is a place she could call home. I don't think she truly wants to come live with me, I think she is just saying that to pacify me because she knows that's what I want. She has admitted that she doesn't ever want to see him again but the other part of her just wants to go running back into his arms. She states that she knows that would be incredibly stupid of her and she is going to do everything in her power to stay away from him. Personally, I would love to go all Gerard Butler in "Law Abiding Citizen" on his a$$ and send his family a video tape of it all (forgive my reference to all the movies). But I have kids and cannot risk my going to jail for that. Honestly, I feel like no one can take care of her the way that I can, and I feel like a control freak because I want her to do what I think is best. I know I should just let her figure things out on her own, but it's hard, I don't think I will truly feel that she is safe until she is with me. I know, that's incredibly selfish of me. In a really dumb way I sort of feel like I am in the abusive relationship too and there's not a thing I can do about it. I feel like I just have to stand by and watch her suffer. I feel helpless, useless and unwanted but I worry that these feelings I'm having are just simply because she's not doing what I think is best for her. I have nothing but good intentions and the last thing I want to do is hurt her or do/say the wrong thing, I just want to help her the way that she needs to be helped. I need some support through this too. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't know what to say to her. Any advice??

The Other Guys is such a gret movie. Yay more mark wahlberg!

[nemausus36]

The Other Guys is such a gret movie. Yay more mark wahlberg!

[wal49]

The Other Guys is such a gret movie. Yay more mark wahlberg!

Merci Mark Wahlberg davoir pass le week-end Paris, a nous a permis de lui dire un bonjour et nous a fait plaisir de le revoir.

[delton]

I'm really sorry to read this, and the reason I answer this is because I was in this situation at a much younger age. I was 15 when in an abusive relationship. Now I will tell you up front that you saying that you feel like your in a abusive relationship with her, you can't... It's hard to relate unless you have been there. But I will do my best to try to help you cope with it as well as your sister.

I'd first like to address what stood out to me... Her want to run back to him. This is very common in abusive relationships. It's because in an abusive relationship the guy almost creates a hook on you, where you feel like you need to be with him and you feel guilty for things that arent your fault at all. Most likely your sister won't go back to him but she will always remember him. The way she loves any other guy will be defined by this man. Why? Even a sting woman knows that her biggest weekness is love and it's hard to be with another guy after. Because she will become edgy on subjects and will become very prone to apologizing for things that she shouldn't be apologizing for. Or at least that's what I notice. The best thing you can do... Be a support, be an open ear. She doesn't need you to run to the rescue... She needs you to remind her that it's going to be okay, and that it's not her fault. You don't need to talk about him.

I'm impressed she told you about him, and you reacted normally. The reaction of I want to kill him is almost a slight comfort to your sister even knowing you won't in reality. Your giving her hope outside of him. It will take her a while to get back on her feet and it's a healing process. Stick with her, make her smile. Thats all she needs.
Best of luck
-lil leahs