Please read my college statement (for UW Madison) and give me some tips / suggestions?

[eoforwic]

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Ever since my dad and I started going to the men’s basketball games when I was six years old, attending UW-Madison has always been my foremost goal. The electrifying atmosphere the campus provides motivated me to do whatever it would take to help make my dream possible. One trait that I value the most is my hard work ethic. Whether it’s homework, sports, or just doing a favor for someone else I’m always going to give it my all. This attribute was recently put to the test. Over the past year I have become a devoted runner, waking up at seven A.M. every morning to train for cross country. I was on fast track to earning first team all-conference honors and being a state qualifier after earning second team all-conference honors my junior year. Everything seemed to be fitting into place when I suffered an injury that not only changed my life but also the person I am today. When it first occurred I assumed I just strained a muscle and thought nothing of it, but then reality start to set in. Every time I ran after becoming injured I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my side. After about a month into the season, the side pain became so bad I had to drop out of a race. Prior to the race my season had been going terrible; I hadn’t even broken my personal best from the previous year. After dropping out of the race I questioned if I would be able to continue running and finish the season. I went to the doctor where they told me I should take a month off. I took this pretty hard and ended up convincing the doctor to let me take the month off after the season if I could withstand the pain. Was the pain worth it, knowing I wouldn’t accomplish any of the goals I had set due to the injury? Then it came into my mind that I couldn’t let my team down. Even if I wasn’t able to run as quick, I could still contribute for my team. As a captain, I also felt like I needed to run for my teammates, especially the underclassman. If they knew I was battling through pain, I knew they would give it their all for me too. So, I managed to battle through the pain and finish off the season. This experience helped teach me an important life lesson: sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to achieve what’s best for everybody. I could’ve taken the easy route and been done for the year, but I felt that wouldn’t represent the kind of person I am or want to be known as. I will bring this hard working committed attitude to the University as I face new challenges in life. Using this trait, I will continue to stay involved within the community through various service projects. During my high school years I have stayed involved within the community by volunteering and participating in events such as Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA) fundraisers (fun walks and telethon). At the MDA Labor Day Telethon I took calls for donations at a local news station which was being broadcasted live. In Madison, I have volunteered through my parish at a homeless shelter where I prepared, served, and ate meals with homeless people. More locally, I was involved in a week long project where I helped to build a community park by laying down the foundation and assisting with the building process. As I further my education I will continue and expand upon my volunteerism to help enrich the community. With this wide array of experiences, talents, and interests, I will not only be focused on my academics at the University of Madison but also on doing whatever I can to further ameliorate the community.

[erwin]

A personal statement usually includes the following. You need a good attention grabber. In general you want your essay to follow this order:

Paragraph 1-2 attention grabber. Think of an experience in your life that really showcases who you are. Be detailed. Discuss something significant in your life. It could be anything. Or discuss why you want to be in your profession or what story inspired you to study what you are studying.

Paragraph 3-4. Highlight your academics: GPA, classes. What skills you learned in class that will help in succeeding in college. Awards and honors that you have received. Sports or clubs that you are in.

Paragraph 5. Jobs that you have had that relate to your major? Any other things about yourself that you want to include

Paragraph 6: Conclusion. In this conclusion you may want to re-state your main qualifications. You can also include any of the following statements: My goal is.... I deserve this scholarship because....

I will edit it for you if you email it to me