Why is he doing this to me?

by **starling** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:36 am

In March, I went though a very painful and messy divorce in which my husband cheated on me, then eventually left me for his ex wife, the woman he cheated on me with. My husband fought me tooth and nail for full custody of my children, and lost his battle. So since he's lost his battle, he's not come to see my children at all. Obviously, as much as this hurt me, it hurt my two girls even more. no matter how much I begged him to see them, all I got in return was spite and malice. So I stopped asking.

Around a month ago, I started getting my things together, getting ready to move out of the state. Well that didn't happen. According to the law of the state that I live in, the legal custodian of a child cannot leave the state if the other legal parent doesn't consent to the move. So my ex decided that he didn't want me to leave the state with his children, therefore effectively keeping me from moving. Sigh. Bastard.

Friday evening, he graces my doorstep with his presence unannounced, coming around to beg for me to allow him to see his daughters for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now I'm not so bitter and cold-hearted as to say no to what he wants. But my fear is that the resentment will return after all of the holiday cheer has ceased. Am I reasonable in my fears?

So we talked. I didn't think it would happen, but we did. We talked about a lot of things, though it mostly pertained to the children and his asking me why I needed to move to New Jersey, which I then proceeded to tell him why it was really none of his business.

The mere idea of my ex ever even making any effort to see me or my girls was something that was placed far from my mind. But now that I've seen him again for the first time in moths, and hearing him talk about his ex/new wife, and their incoming baby and their happy little family while I work and work and take care of two girls on my own...it makes me sick on the inside. I see him and remember all of the wonderful times we had together as husband and wife, and how I always thought that we could work through anything, infidelity included, and how I knew that I never "believed" in divorce, even though I was forced to face it when he filed for it. It's confusing and sickening at the same time. I miss my family. I miss everything we had, and I keep wondering where I went wrong. What did I do to make him not want me? I could never understand it.

So before he left, I asked him why he left, why he walked out on me and my kids in Christmas morning last year and why he did everything he could to drag me through the mud during our divorce. He simply said "I loved you, but it wasn't enough to suffice." And then he told me that he still loved me. Now I'm confused, and I don't know what to think anymore.

What is going through his head? Why is he doing this to me?

by **gedalyahu** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:39 am

You can't spend your time wondering what you did wrong. It takes two to make a marriage work. It doesn't sound like there was much you could have done. Although you don't believe in divorce, he obviously did. That's not your fault, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. He cheated on you and went back with his ex-wife. So what you need to do is move on with your life, completely. Forget him, find another partner in life. He wasn't able to stick it out with you, or his first wife for that matter. I'd be willing to bet it wont work out for him this time around either. But that is not your problem, love your girls and move on. Good Luck. P.S. you can still be friends with the guy, he's your daughters father but never take him back.

by **joachim** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:50 am

"According to the law of the state that I live in, the legal custodian of a child cannot leave the state if the other legal parent doesn't consent to the move." Constitutionally speaking, maybe you can fight that state law. It is unfair.

by **arber47** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:52 am

Well I have his two children. He lives in the same state that I live in and doesn't want me to leave. I don't know, I think it may be a control factor. But yes, it's the law. I'm not sure that I can get around it because he DOES pay child support. He just doesn't pay them any attention.

by **winfrid12** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:54 am

men can only do to you what you let them do. You need to ask yourself why do you let him do those things to you!!

by **denys** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:00 am

You need to talk to an attorney. It may state that you can not leave the state but there are questions that only an attorney can help you with. Is he paying support, for example?
If he hasn't been or isn't paying support and you can show that you need to move to another state for a good reason, the court may allow it. Also, depending upon how long you were married, the attorney may be able to explore the possibility of annulment rather than divorce and that would bypass the law.

by **bedyw25** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:10 am

Why ask why. Move on, put him behind you for you and your children's sake. I went though the same thing 12 years ago, he is not happier with his new one. I am. I sometimes get angry at how he ruined our home but then I put it away. I have a great new husband and we are very happy.

by **charlot22** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:16 am

This man cheated on his wife with you and you expected him to be faithful to you?

Sounds to me like he is playing with your emotions to keep you around.

Where did you go wrong? I think getting involved with him when he was already married was where you went wrong.

by **seme22** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:28 am

He is doing this to you because he can't make a decision and stick to it. Your ex husband sounds like mine, mine also left me for his ex wife, crazy I know but it happens. Get away from this guy, you did nothing wrong, he did. This guy is an idiot. Concentrate on your 2 little girls and yourself. Good luck !

by **bing49** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:33 am

Get a lawyer. He maybe able to do something with the fact that he abandoned the kids and didn't visit when he was supposed to. If there is a legit reason the court can let you go too. Is he paying support? Maybe you can make a deal on that if he lets you go.

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