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[andor25]

It seems like my boyfriends parents (and all other family) has been around so much lately due to various things. (Easter, Mothers Day, and my boyfriend getting hurt at work) We are seeing them so much I am beginning to feel like they are smothering me, as I am NOT a people person anyway.

I know after the baby is born it's only going to get worse, because my boyfriend is the baby of the family, and his mothers favorite. A couple of weeks ago his mom invited herself to the ultrasound we had last week and I felt like I couldn't say no while we were sitting in the ER for her sons severe work injury. Whatever.

That day she and the brother who lives at home came up, and another brother and his 3 children came up. I sat out on the deck until it was time to leave for the appointment because I find the little girls really annoying. Plus, they were naughty the day my boyfriend was in the hospital. They came to our place for a while after we saw him in recovery and they managed to write on the walls and carpet in our bedroom, rip a bunch of my mail open, and perfume boxes. Naughty! Ugh. They're not allowed in there again.

My boyfriends 3rd brother gets out of jail next week and we are supposed to travel to his parents to see him, which is fine. We also planned on picking up the crib that brother is giving us sometime soon as I am 28 weeks. This is the second time my boyfriend has suggested for one reason or another that they put the 3 girls in my car (ages 4, 2 and a half, and 1) and go there. I cannot stand the idea of them making a ridiculous mess in my new car and refused. (even though I'm aware I will have my own mess maker at the end of the summer) He got upset with me, but it's my d@mn car. Grr.

I guess one of the main things bothering me is his mother talks about being at the hospital as soon as I go into labor, and how she was even in the room with one of the daughter-in-laws. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Honestly, I don't even want them there in the hospital while I am in labor. The thought of them hovering like hawks while I'm waiting to push a baby out of my hoo-ha p!sses me off.

I mentioned to my boyfriend that we call our family when I go into labor, but they (his family) need to wait to make the one hour drive until I push her out officially. All he said is, "I can't do that." Well I can right? But how do I go about telling his family that? I am horrible with any sort of confrontation as it is. :(

PS- All I have left in my family is my Dad, I hardly get to see him as he lives 3 and a half hours away.

What should I do?

[teyrnon72]

In some ways i know how you feel...as i love my alone time and hate being crowded...so i would have a major crap attack if i were in your shoes!
I know it's hard to tell them to back off but that's exactly what has to happen...it's your life...your baby and not a circus!
If i was in your situation i would pack my bag and run for the hills on my own...i'de seriously lose it. Maybe you should go see your dad for a while..stay with him or even consider moving his way. I know how you feel about only having one parent and if i couldn't be near my mum right now i'de feel so empty. If it would make you happier to have more space then consider a move.
Your boyfriend is putting too much of his crap on you and not listening to you at all...he seems self involved. If he cared about your wishes he would tell everyone to back the efff off!
You can talk to him about this...but if he doesn't listen to you then you have to stop him right there and say "okay shut the eff up and listen...i need my damn space or im gonna lose it and you will all go down with me" (or something to that effect).
You don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to...it's your body and your life too so do what makes you happy.
Good luck with it all and i hope they start respecting your wishes :)

[salvadore94]

explain yourself to the family, tell them how you feel about everything.

[banys]

i would ask for a c-section! my doctor is nice like that i asked him if i could have a c-section he said YUP its your choice. Tell the nurse that you dont want alot of ppl in there before they get there. and tell his mom be like.... I know how much you wanna be in the room when your granddaughter is born but im going to feel very uncomfortable trying to push her out with everyone in the room. i just want your son in there

when the baby is out your more then welcome to come in and hold her.

[hurst]

Have you considered embracing them as your own, since you admittedly don't have much family around to speak of? I know it's hard, because it's HIS family, and not yours, but are you planning on spending your life with this man and raising your own family with him? Because his relatives come with the territory! It sounds like they are just trying to be involved, which means you're lucky...a lot of pregnant women don't have that kind of support from their SO's family.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and he has nephews that annoy the crap out of me. His mother is also SUPER involved...like with you, she has insisted on being there for my 20 weeks ultrasound to find out the sex, which is something I was looking forward to sharing with just my boyfriend. But also like you, I didn't know how to say no because I know that she's only doing these things because she cares. I can't find it in myself to turn away someone who I know is going to love my child unconditionally and wants to share in the adventure of bringing it into the world.

[piaras91]

Do yourself a favor-- just be a total B*^#H and tell them tht they are not to show up until you call and give them the official OK. Later on you can apologize and tell them you were in labor and hormonal. Anyway, once the baby comes, the attention is off you and all grudges are forgiven.
I am big on sharing with family etc, but giving birth is a VERY private time. They will spend time with the baby in the days afterwords. My sister in-law did this to my mother-in-law. I think she went to far and didn't even let them come visit until the baby was already a few days old. But today they all have a great relationship.

[egan]

Just tell them, your baby, your labour, your way and his mum has to accept that.

I'm engaged to the biggest mummy's boy on earth, and she wanted to be there for everything.

I love her to pieces in small doses, but she drives me mad if I have to see her for more than two hours at a time.

I stood my ground, I hate fighting with them, but I felt that my labour should be about me, my fiance and the baby and she had no right to be anywhere near me or the hospital until she had a grandchild.

The fight was constant for a couple of weeks, not just between me and her, but between me and him and him and her, she thought he needed to control me better, he thought I was being rude and I thought he needed to stand up to mummy for once.

I won but it wasn't easy.

If you don't want her there tell her. Obviously if you want your dad to see your child after the birth, you'll have to let him know before you let his mum know because he's further away.

You can tell them both at the same time, but let them know that you would rather not have either of them there until after there is a grandchild to see.

If she's not happy with that, just tell the hospital you don't want them to be let in until after you give birth, they can and will stop them getting anywhere near you.

[taryn31]

My husband's family is sort of like that--his WHOLE family (and both his parents are remarried, so this includes step-family too) all live within a 10 mile radius of each other. Any time anyone has a baby, EVERYONE goes to the hospital and waits and waits--doesn't matter if it takes 24 hours, they'll still wait. I told my husband that it would NOT be like that, that WE made the baby, and WE (along with the doctor and nurses of course) would be the only ones in the LDR when the baby was born. I told him if his family wanted to show up, then they could show up and sit and wait until their hair turned grey, but that the hospital staff wouldn't let them back until *I* said so (which is true, by the way--unless you say so, nobody is allowed into the room). Your boyfriend could tell everyone who will listen to let visitors in, but they won't listen to him--you are the mom, and your word is final.

My husband (thankfully!) agreed with me, and he told his family that if they wanted to respect our wishes, they would stay away until the next day to give us some time to bond with our baby, get used to the idea, etc. They did, thankfully.

In your case, I'd just tell him like it is--YOU and HE made this baby--his family did not. They wont' be feeding, clothing and supporting it, and they damn sure won't be delivering it, so if he wants his whole family there, HE can go get pregnant and invite whoever the hell he wants into the LDR. His family has the rest of their lives to spend with your kids--all you're asking for is a measly day (maybe even just a few hours, for Christ's sake!) to be alone in what is quite possibly the most private, personal experience of your married lives. Tell them this, and ask if they think it's okay to go on a honey moon with a newly married couple. When they say "no" (of course) tell them that the birth of your child is even more personal, private and wonderous than being a newlywed and on your honeymoon, and it's something that's just not shared with anyone who feels like waltzing into the delivery room.

I'm telling you though--in order to keep people away, all you have to do is tell your nurse NO VISITORS, NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS and they'll respect your wishes...believe me. :)

[jordi]

No no no!!! Put your foot down NOW. This is YOUR pregnancy, not his mother's!! Politely tell your BF how you feel---say that his mother's intrusive behavior is making you uncomfortable and stressing you out, which is NOT good for your pregnancy. Her just showing up for your ultrasound is unacceptable. A doctor's appointment is a doctor's appointment, and should be treated as a personal, confidential thing whether you are pregnant or not. I am so sick of people acting like pregnancy is just one big open book that everyone is entitled to knowing about! If your BF is not understanding, then unfortunately you will have to put your foot down with him. Tell him YOU are the patient, not him. Explain to him that you tried to include him in the decision but that he may not understand how you feel because it is not his body that is going through all these awkward changes. Make it clear to everyone NOW that no one besides you and your BF will be in the delivery room. Trust me, labor is stressful enough without a bunch of IDIOTS hovering over you! My MIL tried to pull this crap. She was SO nosy and invasive and thought she was entitled to knowing everything about my pregnancy. First I tried handling this through my husband---she didn't listen to him. So then I handled it myself. My mother to this day is still pissed that she was not in the delivery room when I had my son---I say she can just get over it. Pregnancy and delivery is not some spectator sport! It is private and people should respect that and back off! I was so happy to have only my husband and myself at the hospital. It pissed a few people off, but oh well. If you are not the mother or the father, it is NOT your pregnancy!

EDIT: And in regard to the "embracing them as your own" thing, don't feel obligated to. I have a bad relationship with my family, and they were very unsupportive of me during my pregnancy. My MIL seemed to think that this would benefit her and make her into the "primary" grandma and that she could just move right in and start acting like she is my mother. Her overbearing behavior offended me---Just because I don't have a relationship with MY mother doesn't mean that this nutjob automatically becomes my mother instead. If they offend you, they offend you regardless of your own family situation. You shouldn't have to accept this behavior just because your dad is the only family you have.

[danil70]

I sorta see where your coming from. Some of it came off a bit much. I don't talk to my family at all so all I have is my boyfriends family. I get along with some, but not all. His father and step mother I love to death. His mother and I just do not see eye to eye but I let her in here and there. But that is also my boyfriends choice. When I got pregnant with our first child; they were so mad about it and didn't really have anything to do with me my entire pregnancy until my third trimester (how convenient right?) so it was very easy for us to not call anybody until after I pushed out the baby.

If I were you I would try to talk to your boyfriend and just say.. Look when I'm in labor I understand how you want to tell your family and that is very fine. But I've been reading and doing research, watching shows and I know how I am with pain and I just do not want anybody but you and the doctors there when I am going through this. You can call them- but I would really appreciate it if you would understand what I am going to be going through and ask them not to come till after I push and what not. Its just going to be way to much and I want to be alone while I'm in that kind of pain because I don't know the mood I am going to be in and I don't want to say anything out of pain via labor. I just really need that time for myself. They will have plenty of time after the baby is born but that labor period is just for me and you.