Controlling/Manipulative or Caring Boyfriend?

[taryn31]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (last two years in college). I moved in with him after one year. We are no longer living together since we both graduated college. We get along very well and understand each other. You can say that we are very much in love. We resolve a lot of small issues quickly. However, I am starting to question if he is controlling and manipulative. I see subtle actions and things that make me worried.

1. When we first started dating, he wanted to be with me all the time. After the first week, I tried to be forward and communicated the fact that he is moving too fast and I need space. However, he still wanted to be with me ALL THE TIME.

2. We met through a business fraternity, where I met most of my friends in college. My roommate was in the same fraternity. However, he quickly expressed how he didn't want me to associate myself with them. He said that they party too much, and do not give me a good sense of direction in life. He said that by hanging out with these people, I will give myself a bad reputation and put myself in danger with guys that could hit on me or touch me the wrong way. However, most of the friends did have goals and didnt party all the time. I mean it was college...who doesn't? I started leaving that group of friends and we both left the organization on pretty bad terms. But I did it because he didnt think it was safe for me and a good environment for our relationship.

3. Before moving in together, we usually spent most nights at one another's place. He was the to first bring up moving in. I was hesitant about it because I knew my parents would be against it and I was scared that they would find out if I decided to move in. However, he persuaded me saying that we spend most of our time together anyway, so it would be the most logical thing to do. So, although hesitant, I really loved him and thought it would be fine to move in. (During this time, we trusted each other, and always thought we would get married one day)

4. I started to loose most of my friends since I spent most of my time with my boyfriend. It made me worried that a lot of my friendships were drifting away. However, we were so immersed in each other, I didn't really care too much.

5.He lets me go out with friends from home. However, if he is in town or around the area, he usually comes with. If he isn't there, he trusts me and doesnt ask too much. He is genuinely concerned about my safety since he always drives me around, goes with me too class, goes grocery shopping. However, he always wants to be with me ALL THE TIME.

6. I expressed how much I need some alone time where I get time to do stuff by myself. He insists that I already get alone time. Most times, when I express what I need emotionally...he manipulates it and twists it in a way where I can't explain any more what I need.

7. Even when I started to intern at a few places in college. He wouldn't let me go. I wanted to be a waitress, and he insisted that I would be treated poorly and that I could get something better. However, I wanted that experience and I knew I could learn something. I got an internship with a start up but he insisted that I quit since I had to wake up early and spend some weekends doing work, which would cut into spending time relaxing and being with him.

He always says "i love you". He bases our relationship very much on emotions. He reiterates how much i am "the love of his life". Every time I bring up breaking up, he insists that we are meant to be and that we can work on the problems. However, I still feel very suffocated to follow his wishes and it gets manipulated.


I am so in love with him as well, but I am afraid he is controlling and manipulative more than caring...what do you think?

[osbourne]

every single one of your bullet points indicates he is trying to control you. i don't need to go over each one in detail, suffice it to say that your life currently is being directed by him. saying you love someone, and actually loving someone are two different stories. if he truly loved you, he would unequivocally trust you. he would not tell you who you can see, nor where you can work, nor demand you quit a position simply to be with him. he is controlling, but you also have enabled him by allowing him to dictate what you do. you need to take charge of yourself, stand strong and be the person you need to be on your own. bf's don't own their gf's after all.

[jorel]

Let's sort this out number for number.

1. Wanting to be with you all the time at the beginning of a relationship: Mostly harmless.
2. Wanting you to distance yourself from your friends: Not normal, definitely concerning.
3. Pressuring you to move in with him: Considering number two, I'm going to say that this one isn't so great either.
4. Losing your friends because of your boyfriend: Bad. That's just bad.
5. "Letting" you go out with your friends under close supervision: Very, very bad.
6. Ignoring your feelings: Super bad.
7. Not letting you work: Ok, seriously? Why are you dating this clown?!

Get out as soon as humanly possible. This isn't going to get better.

[calin]

Wow he sounds very emotionally manipulative. It sounds that you truly do care for him though so I say have a good talk with him. Maybe write down everything that you feel negatively about the relationship on a piece of paper, sit him down and kindly ask not to interrupt. Make sure your tone is caring and not judgmental so that he isn't threatened.

[achban]

This sounds terribly familiar. A guy did this to me and ruined my life. Ditch him if you can. He is clearly too manipulative for any good to come out of it. He wont let you do anything he doesnt like which is a good indicator of what kind of man he is.

[fychan97]

You should re-read what you just wrote. I don't think he's manipulative, probably controlling. But the most importantly it seems that lack the confidence to stick with the things you really want. Him saying negative things is only part of the problem. You lacking the confidence to say, No! This is what I want," and sticking with it is important. If you lack the confidence and the conviction for your decisions, so will he.Therefor you will feel undermined at every turn, which will more than likely turn to resentment in the future. When you realize the importance of your needs, one day you're going to say to him, " Hey, are you going to be negative or supportive?"