Could you help me with my essay...?

[darrick34]

Hi, I wrote a pretty short one page essay. It started out as a college admissions essay, but after reading the first paragraph, I changed it into my 'inspire someone' journalism essay. What do you think? Don't be too harsh!

There were so many times in my life where I simply stopped and paused. I would daydream about certain things- lunch, my mother’s supposedly homemade cookies, college, what to do after school. That’s right; I used to group college in the same category as lunch and a possible basketball match against my arch nemesis (a girl who had stolen my red crayon). I believed that I had an ample amount of time before the college process began. Many times, I would laugh off my teachers’ lectures of the real world and no late work. When I was younger, fun and play were all that mattered.
As I grew a bit more, I became more and more interested in school, but I dared not show it. I knew that the second I showed a bit of interest in a particular sport or club that my parents would say those awful words- we’re moving.
I never comprehended that there were children competing for places in the finest institutions at the seemingly modest age of eight. I never once took into account how my actions would look upon a transcript; I did everything out of convenience and a bit of childlike naivety that today astounds me.
The world was a strange place by the time I reached puberty. Life was different. I had gone from living in what some would call the ‘ghetto’ of Seattle to living in a wealthy upper crest part of town in a middle class neighborhood. My mother was continuing in her absolute ignorance, trying to fit in with her rich friends by buying out furniture stores. I once inquired as to why she bought all of these expensive things when we were making $14,000 a year and paying rent, and she responded quite bitterly, “Why do you complain so much? I’m buying us nice things; you should be happy.”
My family was not very realistic. My sister had been going in and out of the house, leaving at all times of the night. Every time she did this, my parents would plead for her to come back. They would say it was because they loved her; they wanted her car. I knew that they didn’t want her for the reasons they said they did, and I exploded at them. Why did they hate the girl in the family so much? What was wrong with them? Later that day, I heard my brother telling my mom that I was useless, a tramp, and that I probably wanted my sister to leave so that I could have her room.
Happiness was a foreign word to me at that point. I continued to feel sorry for myself, hoping that someone would compliment my work in order to make me feel more worthy. I threw myself into games and fanfiction; I drew away from reality. My life became a world of fantasy where everyone’s problems could be solved with a peck on the cheek or an ‘I love you’. I then came across the profile of a fellow writer. Her sister had just lost her job, her parents had kicked her out, and she was still as optimistic as a child (she was 23.)
It was after scanning her life story that I had an epiphany. Life wasn’t difficult; it was simply there.
People can make whatever they want of their lives. It is your choice whether the two story house you currently reside in is an open paradise of wonder in a peaceful village or a prison thrown in the middle of the suburbs. It is your choice.
This realization was enough to jolt me to my core. I was free. Although it seems like an unbelievably exaggerated thing to say, it is the truth. I had spoken to everyone I could, I had taken life in my own way, and I had shaped my destiny. I did not have to lie in the bed that I had made simply because I was still willing to stand.
These realizations have brought me to where I am today: a straight- A student, ranked first in the class, with several different clubs and activities listed in the hobbies section of my Harvard application. The point is, ladies and gentleman, the world is not out to get you and others cannot dictate your future. Although it may not seem plausible, you can make whatever you want out of what you are handed. It is up to you to shape your destiny; what you shape it into is up to you. I am not saying carpe diem, seize the moment; I am saying carpe secularism, seize eternity, seize the lifetime.

[bearchan]

Hi, I wrote a pretty short one page essay. It started out as a college admissions essay, but after reading the first paragraph, I changed it into my 'inspire someone' journalism essay. What do you think? Don't be too harsh!

There were so many times in my life where I simply stopped and paused. I would daydream about certain things- lunch, my mother’s supposedly homemade cookies, college, what to do after school. That’s right; I used to group college in the same category as lunch and a possible basketball match against my arch nemesis (a girl who had stolen my red crayon). I believed that I had an ample amount of time before the college process began. Many times, I would laugh off my teachers’ lectures of the real world and no late work. When I was younger, fun and play were all that mattered.
As I grew a bit more, I became more and more interested in school, but I dared not show it. I knew that the second I showed a bit of interest in a particular sport or club that my parents would say those awful words- we’re moving.
I never comprehended that there were children competing for places in the finest institutions at the seemingly modest age of eight. I never once took into account how my actions would look upon a transcript; I did everything out of convenience and a bit of childlike naivety that today astounds me.
The world was a strange place by the time I reached puberty. Life was different. I had gone from living in what some would call the ‘ghetto’ of Seattle to living in a wealthy upper crest part of town in a middle class neighborhood. My mother was continuing in her absolute ignorance, trying to fit in with her rich friends by buying out furniture stores. I once inquired as to why she bought all of these expensive things when we were making $14,000 a year and paying rent, and she responded quite bitterly, “Why do you complain so much? I’m buying us nice things; you should be happy.”
My family was not very realistic. My sister had been going in and out of the house, leaving at all times of the night. Every time she did this, my parents would plead for her to come back. They would say it was because they loved her; they wanted her car. I knew that they didn’t want her for the reasons they said they did, and I exploded at them. Why did they hate the girl in the family so much? What was wrong with them? Later that day, I heard my brother telling my mom that I was useless, a tramp, and that I probably wanted my sister to leave so that I could have her room.
Happiness was a foreign word to me at that point. I continued to feel sorry for myself, hoping that someone would compliment my work in order to make me feel more worthy. I threw myself into games and fanfiction; I drew away from reality. My life became a world of fantasy where everyone’s problems could be solved with a peck on the cheek or an ‘I love you’. I then came across the profile of a fellow writer. Her sister had just lost her job, her parents had kicked her out, and she was still as optimistic as a child (she was 23.)
It was after scanning her life story that I had an epiphany. Life wasn’t difficult; it was simply there.
People can make whatever they want of their lives. It is your choice whether the two story house you currently reside in is an open paradise of wonder in a peaceful village or a prison thrown in the middle of the suburbs. It is your choice.
This realization was enough to jolt me to my core. I was free. Although it seems like an unbelievably exaggerated thing to say, it is the truth. I had spoken to everyone I could, I had taken life in my own way, and I had shaped my destiny. I did not have to lie in the bed that I had made simply because I was still willing to stand.
These realizations have brought me to where I am today: a straight- A student, ranked first in the class, with several different clubs and activities listed in the hobbies section of my Harvard application. The point is, ladies and gentleman, the world is not out to get you and others cannot dictate your future. Although it may not seem plausible, you can make whatever you want out of what you are handed. It is up to you to shape your destiny; what you shape it into is up to you. I am not saying carpe diem, seize the moment; I am saying carpe secularism, seize eternity, seize the lifetime.

That was beautifully written and really served it's purpose! You have such a crystal-clear and unique writing style: it's formal, yet colloquial at the same time...I could totally imagine this as a speech.
I dunno what this is for, but whatever the subject you'd better get an A*!
Just a tiny thing: that list at the beginning:
lunch, my mother’s supposedly homemade cookies, college, what to do after school.
Should have semi-colons b/c it's a complex list.
Aside from that, no other errors that I can see and keep on writing, you have a refreshing style!