How does this sound so far?

[blaisdell]

This is just the beginning of a rough draft for a story I'm going to use for an entry in a competition, and I just want to make sure I'm not wasting my time with this one. Let me know what you think and how I can better it. Thanks!

There was a time when no one was crazy. When odd thoughts were seen as divine. ’Hallucinations’ were the celestial visions. And there was such a thing as monsters.

Important leads were born. The young girl, loved dearly by her father-her mother estranged. Something shifted as she came of age, an evil step-mother was in place, and things went down hill from there. Until one day, a prince emerged. They meet, the world tries to keep them apart, but in the end, against all odds, there is a happily ever after.

The twenty first century, though, is a different story. Doctors have labeled the different as psychotic. Love doesn’t last. And there is no such thing as fairy tales.

I knew this well.

“Hanna banana!” Celeste Powell, my oldest step sister called from behind my bedroom door. She was seventeen, only a year older than me, but had quickly taken charge after moving in with me and my dad a year earlier. It had been Celeste, Sophia, who was my age, Haven, who was only eleven, and their mother Isabel.

Within a month, Hanna banana was my established nickname for all of the Powell’s. I hated it. “What?” I called back to Celeste, not bothering to invite her in, knowing fully well she would let herself in anyway.

She pushed through my door and dropped down onto my desk chair and narrowed her eyes at me, sprawled out on my bed with my psychology book in front of me. “Are you looking up symptoms for insanity? Well, no need, seeing as it runs in your family, its probably safe to assume you are.”

She was referring to my mother, who had died when I was ten. She had drown in the river outside of the city. What she had been doing out there, no one had ever figured out. But up to her death, she had been, admittedly, going a little nuts. My Aunt Selma had let me in on the secret after having just a little too much sherry at my mother’s funeral. Mom had been claiming to see things move in the shadows, and that she was being stalked. When I’d asked who had been stalking her, Aunt Selma had wrinkled her pencil drawn eyebrows at me and said, “Not who, but what.”

How Celeste had found anything out, I had no idea. I knew my father hadn’t told her. We never spoke of my mother. “For your information, I’m doing homework.” I snapped at her, shoving the book aside. “Now, what do you want?”

“God, Hanna, that is so like you. Doing your homework on a Saturday night. You should be out on the town, meeting boys, buying cute clothes, having fun.” She went on, ignoring me and checking out her perfectly manicured nailed, which were painted bubble gum pink and as long as my grandmother’s.

“Which brings me to the point-What are you doing in my room?” I asked pointedly.

She rolled her eyes, dropping her hands, “Well, I actually wanted to know if you wanted to go to the movies with me and some of the girls tonight.”

I sat up, surprised. She never asked me to go anywhere with her, especially with her friends along. “What’s the catch?” I asked her, narrowing my eyes.

She widened her baby blue eyes, a trademark of the Powell girls, feigning shocked hurt. “What makes you think there’s a catch?” After I didn’t budge for a moment, she dropped the act. “Isabel won’t let me go out tonight if you don’t go too.”

I gave her a bitter laugh and got up from the bed, opening the bedroom door wide and motioning for her to leave. “Oh c’mon, Hanna! Please! Brad’s going to be there tonight and you know how much I like him. If I don‘t go, Ashley‘s going to steal him right out from under me.” She begged. It was actually pretty fun to watch. “Look, if you do this for me, I’ll owe you a favor. I’ll even buy your way in.”

“You know the only reason why Isabel wants me to go with you is because she thinks I’m a loser who doesn’t have friends of her own.” I said to her, still leaning against the door.

“And? It just means she cares, Hanna banana.” She shook her head, moving to the hallway. “So you’ll go?”

I sighed, “Fine, but just this once.”

Celeste let out a sigh of relief and threw her arms around me, the closest we’ve ever gotten to any sign of affection for each other. “Oh, Hanna, you’re the best! Thank you!” She said before releasing me from her neck hold she had on me and dancing back to her room.

I shut and locked my door behind her, already regretting saying yes.

[melville]

it sounds really good i dont even know ehy your panicking but the begining is a little jumpy fix that

[sampson]

I like it! I want more! Keep going see how it works out. seems like a good idea and an interesting back story with a bit of a cinderella twist. I will be waiting to see this out at barnes and noble!
best of luck from one young author to another!